Stepping out
One of the ways in which the diversity among crossdressers most obviously manifests is the extent to which it’s a social activity. Seemingly, for every closeted crossdresser who’s wardrobe is well hidden and who’s dressing is done in a stealthy fashion, in solitude, there’s a CD who’s dressing centers around hooking up with their “girlfriends” for a night out on the town. In between, of course, are those with supportive partners who may go out to dinner with their significant other, or those who simply like to drive into the city for a day of girl-time shopping and maybe a movie.
To an extent, of course, going out depends on how “out” you are, but CD’s have a solid track record of finding ways to get away from judgmental eyes in order to get out of the house. The stories of those who travel for business and dress while they are on the road away from home are certainly legion. It’s also true that the extent to which you have a more urban area to be out and about in, the more opportunity you have. The CD who lives in a small town 200 miles from the nearest significant city has a lot fewer options. I’m a small town girl and I find that I might easily run across someone I know in pretty much any surrounding small town or city. If I want a better than average chance at complete anonymity, I have to travel 70 miles one way. Admittedly, for some that’s not a significant drive, but if you are sneaking then perhaps you have some difficulty explaining such a trip. Everyone’s situation is different.
On the other hand, CDs who are out and proud don’t need to cover their tracks so well. They either don’t care who sees or are accepted for who they are. These are the ones whom I tend to think of as being more likely to be doing the Girls Night Out thing. This, too, is a function of being more urban than rural. In my experience, small town t-folk are much more likely to try to stay under the radar, and that leads to less opportunity to socialize. Often you find yourself sort of forced into the awkward fit of places like drag bars in order to at least get into the ballpark of socializing with like minded people.
(Continued below...)Of course, there’s no place better to find like minded people, if you can afford it and if you can “get away with it” than the conferences. While they are ostensibly transgender conferences, the impression most get from events like the Southern Comfort Conference is that they are somewhat dominated by crossdresers. In fairness, probably many of those precived as CDs are, in fact, trans-girls in the very early stages of coming to terms with their condition, but even so, it can be fairly stated that it’s a rare opportunity for the CD to immerse themselves in the company of those like themselves.
Truth is, that’s probably a real good thing for one’s mental health. It’s probably true, at least from my layperson’s point of view, that too much isolation in this lifestyle leads to a lot of unhealthy emotion – guilt, shame, regret – and being able to get out “into the daylight” so to speak has to be good for anyone’s mindset. Here’s hoping that if you are deeply in the closet, you can find some ways to take “her” out for some sunshine (or moonlight even!).
Photo by: mafleen
The idea of stepping out is very difficult for me. That’s because I’m simply too old and fat to pass. All of my padding is in the wrong places. And I’m just too much of a hulk to be even a mature woman. But I find myself wishing that I could just go out with some of the women I know as a woman. I really wish that was possible. I’d like to be a girl with them.
I wish I could go to the grocery in a skirt and some sandals with a little lift in the heel.
When I look back, there were some clues in my past that suggested I might be TG. But there was nothing in my culture that supported that idea. So I just pushed it away.
Now, I’m approaching retirement. I was pretty as a teenager. No really – I was a beautiful boy. But I’m not pretty any more. I don’t know how to deal with this need I feel now to be feminine and pretty. Too late. No matter how much I spend on clothes and makeup, it’s just seems to be too late.
Anybody else dealing with this? I mean, I work from home, so I get to wear whatever I want almost every day. I have outfits that help me apply girl power to what I need to get done. But I can’t show them to anyone. And I’m constantly just a little freaked out by how I would handle someone coming to my front door. It’s happened a couple of times. I think my mailman knows.
I guess I’ve gone in a lot of different directions with this post, but I would love to know if you have any comments.
Renee
Hi Renee,
I too like you am older as well, and have for many years dinied myself the fact that not only am I female inside, but I no longer wish to be a male. It has taken me many years to reach that stage – but at 50, I have finally mad the decision to live the rest of my life as the woman I always should have been.
This was hard for me in the beginning as well, and I had the same opinion as you do – that I was too big to ‘pass’ – at 5’8″ tall and 230 pounds, I never thought I could do so. You would be amazed at how untrue that can be, really!
If you could see me today, both before and after, you would be quite shocked to learn that even bigger men can ‘pass’. I have a beautiful wardrobe of nice fitting clothes, and step out of my house every day. You just have to tell yourself that being a bit heavy can make you no less attractive…. I know both genetic girls and TG girls that are both heavy, and very beautiful – You go girl!!
Thank you, Beth.
This is very helpful advice.
You are so right Beth… I even live in a huge city with around 4 million people but I still have a mortifying fear of being “outed” by a friend or acquaintance. I’m slowly progressing, however, by showing off a little more of my girl side in public little by little which seems to ease my fears.
Also, I have met other great CDs online from practically everywhere that it would be a crime not to meet some of them and go out for an all-girls night.
well I dont think i will ever get a chance to take “Her” out into sunshine. But I am glad that I have exposed “Her” to moon light, by going out with my wife in the nights to the beach.
Thank you Beth for exploring this issue in detail. With so many blogs about people’s experiences going out and transitioning, you’d think that most people do eventually overcome their fears, but unfortunately that’s not true. I think the vast majority of CDs and TGs never see the light of day, or the moonlight of night. A lot of it is the safety issue, which affects genetic girls as well as TGs. That’s why genetic women find safety in numbers while going out, but many TGs don’t have a circle of friends that’s supportive. And if a group of TGs go out, they might attract attention–which again brings up safety issues. I hope there is more talk in this forum about how people deal with these issues.
On a more technical note, what is the best way to shop for things online, if you don’t have a credit card or don’t want to out your male persona?
some sites, such as e-bay, use paypal but if you don’t have an account under a female name, somebody at some point will associate your purchase with the male name on your bank account. I don’t know of any way around that. Still, such trade is so big and high-traffic that there’s no real loss of anonymity. No one is thinking about the nature of the purchase as related to the name and if they did the first instinct is to assume you are purchasing a gift.
However, in cases such as e-bay where you may be dealing with another individual, it might be good to have a female name and “persona” on that site just in case you need to ask questions of sizing or what not. That said, most sellers will not let judging you interfere with making a sale.
I have always been aware of my feelings and love the way I am dressing female.A sexy outfit brings out the person I want to be without going through all the changes. I try to enjoy girls night out every week and no one ever makes nasty comments because I just tell them it’s my life and that’s that.
Looking at 63 this year. And watching my 3rd marriage (and 5th long-time relationship) crumble…I was in process of coming out 13 years ago but thought I could sublimate to make it work.I had already joined a TG group and was getting more comfortable going out en femme. I will be looking for counseling & therapy this time and not looking back, except with sorrow for the years wasted. I also wish I could turn back time and say “yes” to the only woman who fully accepted, loved and encouraged my femme side…like a fool I told her “no” when she asked if we had a future. Two wives and two girlfriends later, here I am again. BTW, I was chemically abused pre-puberty by a Dr who gave me unmeasured doses of estrogen for two years to try to ‘force’ my testicles to descend.