Me me me me me!
Okay girls, total self indulgence time!
On the first day of September, I will note the fifth anniversary of having come out to my wife and declared my intention to transition. You who come here for crossdressing discussions just kind of forgive me this one, okay? Because I’m in a philosophical mood.
Space here (to say nothing of decorum) prevents a full on autobiographical post, but there are some things relevant to the tone of this site I think worth touching on. I grew up in the deep south in the 60’s and 70’s, it was not until the advent of Renee Richards that I had any concept that I was not the only boy in the world who felt as I did, and who was always looking for a chance to slip away and slip into the clothes of a cousin or neighbor or, eventually, my mom’s stuff. Crossdressing was a funny thing for me in that it was only of interest to the extent that I could completely lose sight of “him” and see only my girl self. So the size had to be right to create the illusion. Once puberty set in, with the accompanying curses (most notably massive amounts of body hair) that was forever lost, as I was never again in a position to compensate for these burdens.
So i’m the rare transsexual who didn’t ever really crossdress before transition as an adult. Within a few years after graduation, I fell for the “pray it away” lie and spent the next two decades chasing that rabbit. I got married, had kids, tried to be an upstanding Christian man while always betting the house on the idea that god would someday “fix” me and my wife would never need know about my ugly “perverted” secret desire. But as I passed the 20th year since I bought into that myth, my illusions on that score were crumbling. I spent a couple of years researching every angle over again (I’d always tried to keep up as much as I could with the subject, including tirelessly checking the Scriptures in search of a clear answer on the subject) and came to the conclusion I’d been lied to and in so doing had lied to her.
Now we both are dealing, still, with the consequences of that. So much unnecessary pain is abroad in our culture because of the lies I believed because so many others still believe them. So many years of my life I spent in misery, letting the clock tick away, because I didn’t know any better and that’s not fair to anyone. Now I use that background and I never fail to challenge the claim, when I see it, that the trans person is immoral or “perverted” or sinning. After all, there ought to be some good come from my experience.
In any case, as I have my quiet celebration of my fifth birthday, I realize that I’m not at all where I want to be (thanks to being forever impoverished) but thankfully, I’m ten thousand miles away from the dark place I was in five years ago.
Original image: Len Matthews