Father’s Day Alone
Not all of us share the same context. I mean by that something different than “not al of us share the same experience.” Because it’s not only the case that a particular event, like say coming out to your parents, goes differently for some than for others (a different experience of the same basic event) but it’s also true that not every trans person even has the chance to have the experience of coming out to their parents (they lack a similar context). What I’m about to write obviously only applies to those among us who share the proper context.
Some trans women are blessed in ways others can only envy. Some of course fall somewhere along the spectrum n between. Some among us are so blessed that they were not only able to transition and stay close to their offspring, but some even are honored by those children alongside their spouse on Mother’s Day. Still others, while not meeting that description still enjoy the privilege of a loving Father’s Day with their kids. For them, those in either category, today is a day of blessing perhaps on par with Christmas.
For others, it can be a day of depression and despair. Far too often, a parent who transition is severed from a relationship with their child either by an estranged spouse, or by the child themselves if they are old enough to make that choice. As much as Father’s Day is, like Mother’s Day, a contrived manipulative occasion which serves the bottom line of Madison Avenue more than it does anyone else – it still draws a bright red circle around the pain of those loving parents who’s heart cries out for the attention of their child.
I am aware of trans women who go so far as to give up and detransition, even post-surgury, in order to regain access to children from whom they have been cut off. For them, words do not exist to describe the depth of their pain on occasions like today. As bad, those who know, or fear, that to transition is to pay that price and so they don’t – and all too often the pressure cased by that choice leads to severing that relationship in some other way. Some, quite irreversible.
If you are one of the lucky ones today, spare a thought for our suffering sisters.
But I’ll say one thing further. I know that this blog is, for the most part, read only by trans women or those with similar interests. But I also know that Google works in mysterious ways and I cannot assume that’s the precise limits of my audience, so as I am known to do on rare occasion, let me say a word to those who may have stumbled in here via some inadvertent search term:
When you hear someone say that being trans is a “lifestyle choice;” that it’s done for fun or kink or whim, and just as easily quit; when they say we could resist “temptation” if we really wanted to…think about those trans women who wil spend this day, as they have many others before, crying bitter tears that they had their own children ripped from their lives because they came to the place where they could not wear the mask any longer.
Those women would like to offer a counterpoint to this whole “choice” meme.
Photo by: Pierre Guinoiseau