Crossdresser SO FAQ
Writing this blog, while exploring my own thoughts and feelings around cross-gender expression, has given me the opportunity to meet a lot of people and educate myself quite a bit on the topic. I regularly see comments to stories that are posted here, and receive emails from both crossdressers and their partners looking for answers to their questions, or advice about their cross-gender feelings.
In this post, I want to address some of the questions and concerns I’ve come across recently, and try and give helpful answers.
Q: My husband is a crossdresser, should I be concerned that he might want to ‘go all the way’ and become a woman one day?
A: Generally speaking, no. A large majority of crossdressers do not identify themselves as transsexual, or being truly born into the wrong body. For the bulk of crossdressers, their feminine feelings and expression is limited to clothing, fashion, makeup etc. Unfortunately the society we live in prescribes very limited roles for both males and females, but when it comes to forms and modes of dress, males are much more limited. Some guys grow up resenting this, in the same way that some girls grow up resenting dresses and choose to never wear them. A lot of times guys (just like many women) get worn out by their prescribed role in society and just want to find some kind of “balance” by expressing something different than masculinity.
Q: Why aren’t there any “female” crossdressers?
A: There are! Simply walk do the street any given day and you’re likely to come across a woman that is wearing nearly exclusively “masculine” clothing. There are women that literally despise wearing dresses, and feel much more comfortable heading to the men’s section of the store to find clothes that feel right for them. The simple difference is that society deems it acceptable for such women to exist and express themselves publicly this way, whereas no such accommodation is made for men. This is one of modern society’s biggest double standards.
Q: Are crossdressers gay?
A: The simple way to answer this is NO. Less than 10% of crossdressers consider themselves bisexual, or homosexual. The stereotype that crossdressers must be gay, comes from the false assumption that femininity exists to serve masculinity. One has to first assume that the reason women wear dresses (or makeup, or heels) is to garner the attention of men, within this sexist framework one can then automatically assume that any man who dresses as a woman is also doing it to gain the attention of men. Of course this isn’t the truth at all. Of course it’s true that on occasion women do dress up to impress a man, but the vast majority of the time women dress to look nice for themselves, to feel better about themselves, or to impress each other. Crossdressers are the same; they dress up because it feels nice, not necessarily to attract the attention of men.
Q: Since my husband/partner is a crossdresser does that mean that he [insert behavior here]?
A: This is a near impossible question to answer and there’s a variety of forms of it. Since my husband/partner crossdresses does that mean that he: likes other men? is attracted to other crossdressers? is more likely to cheat on me? doesn’t think I’m beautiful enough for him? isn’t interested in sex? is a sex addict? is a pedophile? wants to get a sex change? is secretly gay? etc etc etc. No, it does not mean any of these things. There are far more non-crossdressing men who are pedophiles, cheat on their wife, are secretly gay, don’t think their wife is pretty enough, experience a loss in sex drive, or are sex addicts etc etc etc. Having an interest in feminine clothing does not make someone any of these things. Do we ask girls who like to unwind from a stressful day by slipping into their boyfriend’s boxers, jeans, and tee shirt if they are any of those things? Of course not, it’s silly. Girls do these things because it simply feels nice, so do men. But that doesn’t mean that if your partner is a crossdresser he cannot be any of those things, it’s just that the ______ you are wondering about doesn’t depend on your partner’s crossdressing, nor the other way around, any more than anyone else.
Q: I feel so alone, like there’s nobody to talk to about this. Where can I get help?
A: There are so many resources available to you. Check out our resources pages for great books and other sites that explore this topic. You can also seek out a gender therapist who specializes in dealing with gender identity issues or contact us if you need help finding one. At a minimum, you should try and be open and honest about your feelings with your partner and ask the same in return. Try and keep an open mind, and realize that while women may not be treated equally or fairly in terms of employment, or numerous other things, that men are not treated equally or fairly when it comes to gender expression (among other things). Your relationship with each other can grow much stronger, and your understanding of humanity and society much deeper through this. But you need to have open lines of communication, and mutual respect. At a minimum you can start with these rules.