Why couldn’t he have just been honest?
In this article Emma addresses the significant others of crossdressers.
If you’re stumbling across this article because you are feeling lost, lonely, confused, frightened, or frantic due to the discovery of your husband or significant other’s hidden crossdressing needs I would love for you to pause and take this article in. I will try to help you dissect this situation in a loving, if not logical, manner.
I spent nearly the entire scope of all of my relationships as a heavily closeted crossdresser, and when I finally came out to my most recent significant other she could not understand why I didn’t divulge at the very beginning of the relationship. She felt as though she could have made an entirely different set of life decisions that did not anchor her to a person that was harboring such a HUGE secret. A whirlwind of questions tore through her head: “Is my husband gay? Does he want to become a woman? What will this do to our family? Will I find another man if we split? Will he lose his job if he wants to be more open?” She had absolutely no clues beforehand, and one catastrophic hypothetical scenario evolved into another, she reacted as though someone had set her dream house ablaze. For a very long while I felt as though I had done it…
I came out of the closet to my wife in my mid twenties. I know that some of you may be getting this information much later in life. I guess I am a little different, I knew in the back of my mind that I was going to eventually transition and I had to let that cat out of the bag way sooner than later. Now you’re probably asking yourself: “Hey, whoa! That’s bad! Why would you even get married and start a family?!” Well, I won’t justify my case, but I will help you step through the labyrinth that is the mind of a trans* person in the closet by presenting a few of the things that I was thinking that pushed me well into marriage and family life, and why it was that those ways of thinking failed.
Love will keep me happy and satisfied.
Why it failed: It is a fact that love alone is NOT enough. Anyone who has been through the relationship ringer understands that they have ups and downs, and certain contingencies must be met for things to work in difficult times. Some of the cornerstones of a successful relationship are: You must accept each other for the people that you really are, you must attempt to remain attractive in the eyes of your significant other, and you have to live honestly with each other. These foundations of a relationship are compromised by harboring such a pervasive secret.
I am supposed to start a family, get a job, pay taxes, and then die.
Why it failed: This was a simple belief that was passed on to me by my parents. I knew I wanted a child of my own blood, but I also understood that I was in no way the best candidate for fatherhood. I would dismiss my doubts by asking myself something like, “Well, trans people in the past must have been successful at suppressing their feelings and leading a ‘normal’ life, adhering to societal expectations, right?” It turns out that that was not always the case, and trans people aren’t the standard bearers of societal expectation.
(Continued below...)If I say anything, this will all fall apart.
Why it failed: I eventually began to feel more selfish for keeping my secrets than being honest about whom I really was. After coming out things did actually fall apart. Everything falling apart is likely the perpetuating worry behind continuation of the misinformation, sneaking around, and covering up. I know it was the reason for all of mine. I wanted the best of both worlds, and it turns out that you can’t always have it all (duh!). After coming out we concluded that I was not the person she married. You must take a very long while to reflect upon the person you married and the person who confronts you now. Has it been a while since you found out? Has he changed? Is he a she? Is he just a he that sometimes dresses like a she to blow off steam? Has this made him a better person? Worse? Even though my situation has ended rather badly, I have to say that we do both now look forward to our separate futures.
I can just die with my secret.
Why it failed: Harboring such a secret is an incredibly toxic practice. Every day I thought about being a girl. Your husband or boyfriend may think about dressing as a girl, or enjoying the sensation of silk and lace every day as well. There is no safe way to stifle something that so consumes a person every day.
Society will reject me.
Why it failed: Although there is a stigma on trans people, “They’re perverted, they hate their fathers, they can’t be trusted…” I had no actual real life points of reference. I would very rarely steal away at night to the local gay clubs so that I could freely express myself, but that is hardly a test of my identity in everyday life. I simply could not say this to myself and believe it to be true.
In conclusion:
There are many thoughts that are capable of keeping a trans person in the closet, and though we only touched upon five I can probably create a novel sized list of them. I guess many of the fallacies I clung to can be attributed to societal expectation, family pressure, and religious upbringing. I truly did feel a ton of guilt regarding my early life choices. I, as many trans people do, wish I would have come out young and stuck to my guns, but life can take you places that aren’t always best, and successfully dealing with difficult change almost always makes someone better.
Image credit: calmenda
This just about sums up my situation to the tee! It did destroy my first marriage, but when I came out to my second wife about two years into the marriage, she was devistated at first, but she is so wonderful, and took the time to really understand. It’s been a rough ride, but she now accepts me for me!! The key is communication.
I’m very happy you were able to find an accepting partner 🙂 They’re hard to find, latch on tight!
For myself, I’ve attempted to come out at least 5 times, and fell on my face every time. But the need is still there. The need was there when I came out to my parents at age 9. The need was there when I tried to warn my first wife before we were even dating. And, twenty years later, the need is still there and it is the one thing that keeps me going. I want to be the Real Me at least once before I die.
Courage is being afraid, and doing the thing anyway. You WILL get to be you one day, just set some goals and keep moving forward.
I know you’ve heard stories quite similar to mine, but this is all so very new to me. I never though I would have to deal with this in my life. Having said that, I’m the significant other of a crossdresser. See I only met my boyfriend almost 5 months ago. We didn’t even know each other a week before we started dating. He even told me in the beginning that at certain times he likes to dress in women’s clothes. he wears them under his regular clothes out in public. he says he likes the adreneline rush of maybe getting caught. Now I’ve accepted this from the get go because I myself am a Tomboy. I LOVE sports, and hate shopping and “girly” stuff. i also don’t wear girly clothes, but i don’t want to be, feel, or desire to be a man. I’m very attracted to men! I’m not bi-curious either. Sure I’ve kissed a girl or two in my life but it did nothing for me. what bothered me was he would hide things from me. He used to get clothes from other women that he knew before me. and i saw some inappropriate texts on more then
occasion. and i told him how i felt and he says it’ll never happen again. and to my knowledge it hasn’t. I love my boyfriend more than anything in my world. we both truely believe we were made for each other. but it’s hard for me to get over the whole crossdressing thing. he wants me to pick out “sexy” clothes for him to wear, but just can’t brring myself to do it because I don’t want to be with a woman. and he recently has started to wear more makeup, and then being around “friends” that would ridicule, bully, harm, and do who knows what if they knew what he does. and then i feel they will all look at me like I’m a freak as well. so it upsets me when he leaves the house with “racoon” eyes from mascera and just tries to hide behind a hat pulled low rather then washing his face. we’ve recently had 2 of our close friends ask him if he was wearing makeup, and i covered super quick with the lie that i drew on him while he slept. i just don’t know what to do or how to feel. I love this person with all my heart,
Jackie, it is hard. I am very familiar with that story because I have lived a slightly different version of the other side of it. Embracing him for who he is may make him the happiest person in the world, but do you trust that he is not still keeping things from you? Hiding clothes and makeup is typical behavior, simply because there are many things a crossdresser would have to address in the many conversations following being found out, but the texts bring up other issues that may need to be addressed 8-/. Aside from that, you need to make him be honest with you in a heartfelt conversation. It is very likely that crossdressing is a huge part of what makes him who he is. There is no such thing as a slippery slope here, he is what he is, even if he tries to compromise for you (which won’t be any good down the line, trust me). I have to say that him radically changing his behavior is unlikely, so you have some choices: embrace him for who he is, make him your friend and tell him you can help him dress (but not as a couple), or leave. This is your life too, you absolutely have a choice regarding the people you have a relationship with.
But don’t want to deal with all the drama and narrow minds of our “friends” if they found out. I also am like many women who’s comments I’ve read, and have low self esteem. i’ve never been a pretty, or poular girl. guys wouldn’t date me cuz i was like ‘one of the guys’. but now that I’ve met my boyfriend, I’ve found myself wanting to be more feminine, but feel unsexy, and that he’s thinking of other women when he crossdresses. please help anything will help. sorry rambling on, and my only rescource is the internet on a cheap phone!
Thank you so much Emma. You’ve taken a huge stress off my shoulders. I haven’t talked to anyone about this and don’t know how either. but one more question what if I do embrace him for who he is but also tell him that I’m just not comfortable with picking clothes out for him? because it’s hard enough just to do it for myself! Thanks again 🙂
Jackie,
Just be honest with him, there are plenty of people who hate shopping for clothes. An upside is that by being open and honest on such a simple issue, it will show that you mean to stick with him even on difficult issues. That is one big fear we all have, that the person we love will still walk out because we dress differently.
As for those “friends”, they were never really friends to start with if they would be cruel regarding such an issue.
As for the texts, that’s a whole different issue, not sure what to tell you.
Tell him to shop for his own clothes. That may sound abrasive, but there would be no reason to hide it, should you support him.
first be honest to yourself, and you feelings, be honest with your other, accespt him as he is or not! he is likely to be a kind peson at heart… but above all, please forgive ,that is who he is…peace
I recently discovered that my husband is a cross dresser. He had told me before we got married that he did it once when he was younger his parents caught him and he never did nor wanted to do it again. Since then I have found that he had watched youtube videos on it I would question it and he would say it was nothing and life would go on. Most recently I have found the youtube videos again. I asked him about them again and this time he was honest (mostly) and told me that he was a cross dresser. He said he doesn’t get to do it very often because he is not home alone very often. When he does he only puts on one of my dresses and nothing else because I would notice. My initial reaction was tears. I just cried. I didn’t know how else to react. Then when I calmed down we talked about it. He told me that he did not know how to explain why he felt this why. He couldn’t really explain much of any of his feelings to me. So we together decided that he would go talk to a therapist about it. So he went for his first visit last week. Nothing really happened the therapist just took down his history and talked to him about some things and tried to explain to him what was going on and how they would proceed with future sessions. Then on Monday I found an email account my husband had. He deleted all the inbox messages and emptied the trash folder to completely get rid of everything, but he did not empty the sent folder. So I was able to find messages to people. Two were canceling subscriptions to places. The rest were communication between him and another person with a problem like his that dresses people up to fulfill their cross dressing fantasies. He was discussing meeting this person in a hotel room and getting transformed. It cost a good amount of money plus reimbursement for fuel and all. I simply asked him what this account was and he told me he did not know. So I told him I was logged on and reading messages and then he told me about it. Then I get logged on to his youtube account and see all the videos that he has watched in the past year. He is getting mad at me because he says he doesn’t want me to leave and then accuses me of leaving and going and finding someone else. I try to explain to him that I love him and I do not wish to leave. He is seeing his therapist so he can better understand himself and to help me better understand what is going on. He just expects me to “get it” and I can’t. I have never been in his situation and I can’t just know how he feels. Plus I have to think about how I feel. I am not sure if I honestly could spend the rest of my life with a man who occasionally wears women’s clothes. I am trying to not make any rush decisions tho. I tell him that what I want most right now is for complete honesty. He says he is being honest but I feel that since he tells me this then I discover something else and that he is not being honest that is hurting us more. I do not trust him at this point, to tell the truth. I told him I wouldn’t get mad I am just trying to understand. I am at a loss. I do not know what to do anymore. To me it seems that he just expects me to leave and makes me feel that maybe he honestly does want me to leave and he just doesn’t know how to tell me that. I know I said that I’m not sure if I could spend my life with a cross dresser, but I do not understand what makes him this way, how it makes him feel. Maybe if I come to a better understanding with that I can find some peace with it so I could spend my life that way. I do love my husband and I do not want to leave but he is just pushing me away. This seemed like a good place for advice. I need something.
Mrs. Confused Wife, you find yourself in a predicament that many crossdresser’s wives find themselves in. I have to say that after living a life of hiding a very HUGE secret it is quite hard to come clean straight away. My wife had almost the exact same response that you did, however, I was a bit more forward since I had been out in some manner for a long time. Trust me when I say just stick to your guns and the truth will come. If my family experience is worth anything, I can say that you both have very difficult roads ahead, and yours is probably even harder than his. I advise you to seek private counseling to keep your head from exploding due to the overwhelming mess and stay hungry for the truth.
Someone, anyone please help with this! I have known the love of my life is a crossdresser almost since the beginning of our relationship. I have always accepted this part of him just like I accept the color of his eyes; it’s just part of who he is. I have been supportive by shopping for him, sharing my things, helping him dress, etc. Until recently. I am still loving, supportive and accepting but he has completely shut me out. He no longer touches me when he is en femme or talks about it at all. He orders things he wants and hides it from me. This is breaking my heart. When I ask if I have done something to make him feel like he needs to hide and/or withdrawal he says no. I can’t take being banned from a large part of who he is. Anything someone may be able to offer would be great. I have no one to talk to because I am the only person who knows about this part of him.
Dear SupportMy#1,
I’m really sorry to hear that your partner is withdrawing from you. I guess it strikes me that this kind of thing happens to a lot of couples, where one of them sort of goes off on their own, or the romantic aspect falls on hard times. It’s hard to know if this is because of crossdressing specifically, or if maybe his behavior is a symptom of other things going on in the relationship (and thus this is just his outlet). In any case, I’ve said before that being trans or a crossdresser is not any excuse for not being a good partner to someone. Relationships are a two way street and you should also be able to have your needs reasonably met.
I would strongly recommend you find a couples therapist who is familiar and comfortable with LGBT issues who can help you both navigate this. If it is something related to him and his identity then that can be addressed, but it’s also possible that what you’re dealing with is something that most couples deal with. It’s just that instead of going out and buying a new sports car and cruising the streets looking for new friends, he’s losing himself in a different hobby.
No matter what, I hope you are able to work things out.