It is important to let him know how you feel. Make sure he understands that you still love him, but remember that it is okay to feel hurt that he kept this secret from you. But, understand that there are very likely many reasons he didn’t tell you sooner. A very likely one is that he may have been afraid of what it would do to your marriage, that he would lose you if you ever found out. Remember that he loves you very much and trusts you enough to tell you this.
As for the subject of your children. Help your husband as he explores this side of himself. That will help him to accept himself. Which, in turn, will actually benefit your children. When, or if, you tell your children is entirely up to the 2 of you. But your children seeing your marriage strengthened by this, and seeing their father able to be proud of who he is and supported by a loving spouse, will benefit your children more than you can realize. This can be used as a teaching opportunity for your children. Teach them that they can be proud of who they are, and love themselves for everything they are. I hope this helps. Remember though, therapy is never a bad idea.

My own personal story (I am a transsexual woman) happened very much like that – I had been married for 3 years before I realized that I liked crossdressing. I only discovered this when I went in drag to a halloween party. That was the pebble that started the avalanche, however, and 4 years later, I was beginning hormone replacement therapy, and she asked me for a divorce. My wife asked many of the same questions : Why didn’t I tell her sooner? The only answer I had – because it was the honest one – was that I didn’t KNOW sooner than that, and I knew I had these feelings but I couldn’t identify them and certainly didn’t know what implications they had! After I realized what was going on, I then needed to try to sort those feelings out, and discover what they were leading to – I wasn’t going to tell my wife, “I like women’s clothes but I can’t answer any more questions then that.” If I dropped a bomb like that on her, I’d need to be prepared with answers, and that takes time.

Be patient. Be understanding. He most likely is just as frightened as you, and has probably spent many years of your marriage in denial, cursing himself for what he is and trying as hard as he can NOT to be someone who destroys the marriage. He’s also spent those years FAILING to stop himself from being this person, and feeling like a failure because of it. If the marriage fails, he will wear the guilt of being the person who destroyed it, all for something he could not help being.

First of all, thank you so much for your comment.

Of course I feel a certain degree of sympathy for your husband (and it sounds like you do too), but I also must say that the behavior you are describing (porn, drinking, flirting) is not really a “crossdresser” or “transgender” thing. There are lots of men out there who crossdress and don’t go into these other things, as a matter of fact many of them describe that they feel calmer, more engaged in their relationships, and more stable when this side comes out.

The fact that you say your husband is considering HRT treatments also is a bit concerning. One does not need female hormones to be a crossdresser, and if he is interested in starting hormones then there is a good chance there is more going on here – hormones absolutely modify the body, and change the mind, and should ideally be done under the care of a doctor. If he wants to go on hormones, there’s a good possibility he needs more than just to crossdress. He may also be dealing with other addictions or issues.

Being a crossdresser or being transgender isn’t a license to mistreat or withdraw from your partner. It’s not a license to go to bars, flirt with other people, and shirk your responsibilities as a parent, spouse and adult. You have needs in this relationship too, and those also deserve to be heard. The couples that successfully navigate this I believe find a way to remain true to each other, and support each other, and also respect each other.

If it’s possible I recommend you see a therapist, but if you can get your husband to see a therapist it’s all the better. If he refuses, then you should see one because it doesn’t seem like you’re dealing with someone who is treating you respectfully – this is a two way street.

It is good and right to be compassionate and understanding. Your husband wearing a dress isn’t going to end your marriage. But if he is cheating, avoiding proper medical care, and getting lost in addictions these things certainly can end a marriage – dress or no dress. Compassion and understanding needs to come back to you too though from him for the relationship to work.

Please be safe, and just know that the behavior you are describing is not typical crossdresser or transgender behavior.