For some people, finding out that their spouse or lover is a transgendered person or a crossdresser can be a shock. People who have been married for years, say 20 plus years, can feel betrayed and disappointed. For others, it can be a small deal or even a positive outcome to what might have been an emotionally charged first conversation.
You may have already been told that your loved one is a crossdresser, but if not – if you suspect it – here are ways that you can react or cope with the news.
Listen. This is one of the most stressful conversations your significant other will likely ever have, let alone that it is with you. By telling you this they are likely telling you their last secret, the final thing that you may not know about them. This is about them. Yes, it is about you, too, but you have not had to live with the lifetime feelings of guilt or “otherness” that they may have likely experienced their entire lives. Make sure you respect that and listen to what they need to say to you.
Try not to be accusatory. You may feel like you have been betrayed. This is normal. At the same time, though, it doesn’t help you or them if you make accusatory statements and say things that you will later regret. Instead of asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” say, “I am hurt that you did not tell me sooner, but I appreciate knowing.” It is important that they understand how you feel, but ultimately it is your choice how you choose to let that information affect you, there will be plenty of time for both of you to express your feelings. They are not telling you because they want to leave you, they are telling you because they trust you.
Ask questions. This will likely be one of the most revealing and memorable moments of your relationship. Just know that these first conversations can end up making your relationship so much deeper so ask them if they are comfortable with you asking them questions if you are curious about their reasons for crossdressing. Again, make sure your questions are not accusatory and respect them as a human being.
Understand that they are not gay (or straight if you’re already in a homosexual relationship). There is a definite difference between someone being transgendered or a crossdresser and being gay. Often “transgendered” is lumped into the same category of gender issues as gay, lesbian, and bi-sexual (LGBT = lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, and transgendered), but transgendered is not about a person’s sexual orientation. It is about how they view their gender and what sex, if any, with which they identify. True, some gay people are transgendered, and some transgendered people are gay, but it’s more than likely that this person loves you and is telling you because they love you, are attracted to you, and want to be with you. Less than 1 in 10 of crossdressers have any interest in the same sex, the vast majority are hetereosexual.
Ask for some time to adjust. If this news makes it hard for you to see your lover in a different way, tell them that you need some time to adjust and accept your new reality of knowing this information. They may have just changed your perspective on what may or may not be culturally acceptable for gender, so ask them to show you the same respect as you have shown them by letting you think about this news and information a while. It is okay to take it slow – you deserve that and they will likely be willing to go slow with you.
See a counselor, and seek more information. If you feel that you need to talk to someone else about this, you can talk to a trusted friend first, but you may want to seek out a counselor instead. Be sure that you see a counselor that specializes in gender issues, because just like medical specialties, there are psychiatric/psychological specialties and some doctors will be more knowledgeable than others on crossdressing and transgenderism (look for words like “gender dysphoria” as well). It may also be advantageous for the two of you to go see a counselor together. There are also numerous websites, support groups, and books that can help you gain a better understanding. It’s worth taking some time to become knowledgable on the subject.
Make an effort to accept. Even if you are uncomfortable, try to take baby steps. Don’t be afraid to ask your spouse to take it slow, but be open to seeing this person dressed how they like, or to assist with manly or womanly things that you have typically thought was solely yours in the relationship. Understand, though, that you both have different tastes and they may not have the same style or approach you do as a man or woman. There’s a tendancy to think that “this changes everything”, but most of the time when it comes right down to it only a few small things change – most people realize that it isn’t as big a deal as they originally imagined.
Find out if this goes beyond crossdressing. Some couples experience crossdressing in their relationship in a very minimal way. It can be weeks or months before your partner chooses to crossdress again. There are other couples that experience this more frequently, and yet others who come to the realization that this is not just about crossdressing – this is a need to actually become the other sex (only a tiny fraction of cross-dressers truely want a sex change). If you both want to stay in this relationship, you need to determine if you are willing to stick it out. If you are a woman and you find out your husband wants to be a woman, staying with her will not make you a lesbian, and vice versa if you are a man. You married this person for sexual reasons, but you also married them because they (hopefully) fulfilled you intellectually and emotionally – your connection is deeper than just the surface. These kinds of relationships work for some people, and not for others – but it will take time for you to determine if it works for you. You can learn to broaden your horizons if you want to stay together for the rest of your lives.
Be supportive. Whether it is helping them pick out makeup or clothes, or just being their rock, you should be there to support them. What they are looking for is acceptance, and more than anything they want to know that they have your support and can depend on you. It may not be easy, but eventually you may be able to offer them all the support they need.
Understand it is okay to leave. You may feel a lot of guilt at not being able to accept this new situation, if it is truly different than what you are used to, but for some people it is hard to marry the idea of what you are comfortable with in a relationship with what has fundamentally changed for you. It is not easy to leave this person behind, but make sure you are doing it because you have tried your utmost to make it work. It is unfair for you to leave if you haven’t tried to understand or make it work. At least put your best foot forward and give it some time genuinely trying to understand your spouse.
Crossdressing is most of the time a private matter. Realize that your spouse likely doesn’t want others to know about their cross dressing. There is an immense pressure especially put on men who act in any way “girly” their entire lives – your spouse likely does not want others to know, and honestly you probably don’t either because of the social stereotypes. Whether or not you choose to stay with this person, it is important that you do not talk to anyone else about their transgenderism or crossdressing without talking about it with your spouse. Both of you should respect the privacy of the other and keep this information to yourselves (with exception to a counselor) until and unless you both feel it’s appropriate to tell others.
It’s easy when spouse comes out to think that they have betrayed you, but this isn’t necessarily the whole picture. In a way, a spouse coming out to you reveals a level of trust and love for you that they’ve never experienced with any other person (including their own parents). It’s true, they have held something from you, and it’s fair for you to express any frustration you have with that. But you can also use this conversation to explore a side of your spouse that they trust you enough to see. Many couples say that their relationship improves after the conversations they have with their spouse about crossdressing. Most people are fearful that this means that their spouse doesn’t love them, or wants to leave them – the opposite is true. Your spouse likely has lived with horrible guilt for not telling you, but tremendus social pressure to make sure nobody knew.
The main thing to remember throughout this discovery period is that you and your partner are both human, and that your partner is still the same person. They have likely lived with this aspect of themselves for their entire life and they probably haven’t shared this with anyone else before they shared it with you. Take it as an honor that you have been entrusted with this information, and do what you can to understand them, transgenderism and/or crossdressing. Education is one of the surest ways that you can more fully appreciate them, and be the supportive person that you both need you to be.
Image credit: malias.
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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
My wife knows I crossdress, but cannot stand being in the same room as me when I am enfemme. It is hard for her and me as I want to share that side of me with her and she cannot. It is driving me to abuse alcohol and other destructive behaviors. What can I do?
Hi Michelle,
Thank you for your comment. In my opinion you (and your wife) could really benefit from discussing this with others. Please look around and see if there are transgender or crossdresser support groups – or if you can afford it or have insurance seek out a private practice psychologist who has experience with crossdressing and transgender issues.
Ultimately if the two of you can’t find some kind of common ground you just have to decide if the relationship is right for you.
Alcohol and destructive behavior will not make the problem better, only worse. Please seek help, there are constructive ways of dealing with these issues, and they are not uncommon.
I wish you well in your relationship.
When my boyfriend came out to me, he acted like we was going to tell me some horrible dark secret. Once he told me he was a crossdesser, I was relieved and I even liked it. You have to remember that crossdressing is not a bad thing so there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Now I love his crossdressing and the whole thing has brought us so much closer and opened a whole new world of fun and intimacy. Girls without that are missing out.
I must also say that my positive reaction was very much due to how and when he told me. Had I found out by accident or had he told me after 20 years of marriage, I’d not have handled things well at all.
I like your blog!
well Lucy your comments in your last paragraph about your reaction had i found out by accident or had he told me after 20 years of marriage, Well this has happened to me both of these things, i found out in May 2010 on mothers day to be precise wow that was a kicker to me, i found photographs, when i asked him about them, he lied saying he did them for me another lie,then another excuse and then finally finished that conversation by telling me he was thinking of putting them on the internet, wow, guess what these lies still have not stopped, my marriage to me was based on truth honesty and respect i have been with my husband since i was 16 and ahalf years old sex never been a strong point, i bought up this issue many times thinking it was a medical problem, he did nothing now i find out he is a cross dresser that explains it over the years he has lead me to believe that it was my weight gain although he denying this, obversely i believed i was not sexy enough , depression set in i was wanting to kill my self and still do sometimes for years now i have been seeing a shrink still believing it has been me all along, more lies guess what i hate people who lie, everyone says to be understanding of him what about a marriage built on trust and even when he knew he had these feelings about his gender issues, he should not have married me i have put my whole life into this marriage , see 12 months ago he denied that he was a cross dresser that he only tried it to see if it helped him with our sex problems along with some other stuff he got of the internet, i have tried to rebuild my marriage over this last 12 months, then to find out in a counseling session last week that he is still a cross dresser after denying it many times even to the councilor, the reason we were seeing her was because of this problem but he continued to LIE LIE LIE something that i cannot stand he says i don’t trust him no wonder way when he keeps LYING, what i believed my marriage to be has been false all along only problem is im in it too deep to leave so i sit daily crying feeling abused the list goes on
Ok so, this is hard for me to talk about but I’m going to say it anyway since apparently i’m not the only one in this boat. My fiancee cross dresses on occasion, I’ve known this for a while now, as he originally tried to stop, and it was working but apparently not for very long as this afternoon he told me that he still does/wants to. I know he is not gay, we’ve been together for years and the sexual aspect of our relationship has never been a problem. My main and really only issue with this is the fact that i find this a very hard thing to understand and accept, I love him dearly and dont wish to leave him, but the idea of him cross dressing makes me highly uncomfortable….its shocking and somewhat scary. Any advice on how to cope?
Samantha,
I completely feel for you, My fiancée is also a cross dresser. I found out about a year ago, at the time I was shocked and hurt that he didn’t tell me. Over the past year I asked him a lot of questions and did a lot of research. The #1 most important thing that I found out was that he CAN NOT stop cross dressing… what’s done is done. That fact alone helped me cope, once you except that it won’t change ( assuming that your totally in love with him ) things start getting better.
Ask him questions and talk about it….I still get freaked out every once in awhile…like when I find cross dressing chat rooms in our google history ( seriously…what are they talking about?) but that’s normal! and trust me babe, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, there are lots and lots of us ladies out there just like you…you might be surprised to find out how many!!!
good luck!
Red
I dont know if anyone read my comment but i thought i would give an update. Its been just over a week since I found out about my fiancee’s interest. I’ve begun to accept it and our relationship is stronger than ever
Samantha,
I just recently found out just as you thay my fiance is a crossdresser it has totally consumed me. Im glad to see that it can work. Thanks for your post.
My boyfriend told me right off the bat that he used to crossdress, and always had feelings about being a woman. He told me he had them under control n that he didnt think it would happen again. but now he wants to and hes going for hormone treatments in october. Im going to be there every step of the way, if he does decide to go through with the operation ill still be there holding his hand <3 I know he needs support and thats something hes never really had in the past, I wish I would have known him sooner, weve been dating for a month and Ive never been happier, neither has he. I started buying him makeup, nailpolish, you name it Im getting it for him. He deserves the best, and he deserves support, just like all the other men going through the same thing <3 He asked me to choose a name for him for when he does crossdress, and I felt so honored, and we decided if we ever have a little girl that his old crossdressing name will be her name <3
Hi, Im 35 married for 12 year with two children. My husband has just told me that he is a crossdresser, he has only tried the underwear and shoes, but is now telling me that he wants the whole lot. Im confused on how I feel about it all, I will be honest I feel completely sick of the situation I have been put into. Im hurt that he didnt tell me before we married, or had the children. Im not sure how this works, ie with keeping it from the kids etc….any advice would be great.
The imporant thing to note is that he may not have actually known about this before he got married or had children – or, if he did, may not have fully understood it himself and didn’t know at the time how much it would truly impact the marriage. Life is – among many things – a continuous journey of self discovery.
My own personal story (I am a transsexual woman) happened very much like that – I had been married for 3 years before I realized that I liked crossdressing. I only discovered this when I went in drag to a halloween party. That was the pebble that started the avalanche, however, and 4 years later, I was beginning hormone replacement therapy, and she asked me for a divorce. My wife asked many of the same questions : Why didn’t I tell her sooner? The only answer I had – because it was the honest one – was that I didn’t KNOW sooner than that, and I knew I had these feelings but I couldn’t identify them and certainly didn’t know what implications they had! After I realized what was going on, I then needed to try to sort those feelings out, and discover what they were leading to – I wasn’t going to tell my wife, “I like women’s clothes but I can’t answer any more questions then that.” If I dropped a bomb like that on her, I’d need to be prepared with answers, and that takes time.
Be patient. Be understanding. He most likely is just as frightened as you, and has probably spent many years of your marriage in denial, cursing himself for what he is and trying as hard as he can NOT to be someone who destroys the marriage. He’s also spent those years FAILING to stop himself from being this person, and feeling like a failure because of it. If the marriage fails, he will wear the guilt of being the person who destroyed it, all for something he could not help being.
Hi, I’m in the same boat with Kelly, I am 35, married 8 years and have 3 young children. My husband told me that he is a crossdresser today and he is considering HRT treatments. I was very supportive to the situation in our conversation but I am very scared and have no idea where our marriage stands. He is a bipolar alcoholic and recently started drinking again. I don’t want to push him over the edge with my reactions but now I feel like he got his secret out and I have to hold everything I feel in. I have know idea what to do, I also have trust issues with him, he is always on the internet, talking on porn sites and recently I caught him talking to other men on Craigslist. He denies ever meeting up with anyone. I just feel like my life is in a downward spiral and I don’t know how to handle it. ???????
Hi Lisa (and others),
First of all, thank you so much for your comment.
Of course I feel a certain degree of sympathy for your husband (and it sounds like you do too), but I also must say that the behavior you are describing (porn, drinking, flirting) is not really a “crossdresser” or “transgender” thing. There are lots of men out there who crossdress and don’t go into these other things, as a matter of fact many of them describe that they feel calmer, more engaged in their relationships, and more stable when this side comes out.
The fact that you say your husband is considering HRT treatments also is a bit concerning. One does not need female hormones to be a crossdresser, and if he is interested in starting hormones then there is a good chance there is more going on here – hormones absolutely modify the body, and change the mind, and should ideally be done under the care of a doctor. If he wants to go on hormones, there’s a good possibility he needs more than just to crossdress. He may also be dealing with other addictions or issues.
Being a crossdresser or being transgender isn’t a license to mistreat or withdraw from your partner. It’s not a license to go to bars, flirt with other people, and shirk your responsibilities as a parent, spouse and adult. You have needs in this relationship too, and those also deserve to be heard. The couples that successfully navigate this I believe find a way to remain true to each other, and support each other, and also respect each other.
If it’s possible I recommend you see a therapist, but if you can get your husband to see a therapist it’s all the better. If he refuses, then you should see one because it doesn’t seem like you’re dealing with someone who is treating you respectfully – this is a two way street.
It is good and right to be compassionate and understanding. Your husband wearing a dress isn’t going to end your marriage. But if he is cheating, avoiding proper medical care, and getting lost in addictions these things certainly can end a marriage – dress or no dress. Compassion and understanding needs to come back to you too though from him for the relationship to work.
Please be safe, and just know that the behavior you are describing is not typical crossdresser or transgender behavior.
Well I told my girlfriend about my cross dressing, she is having a hard time dealing with that issues. I think I did the wrong thing by telling her, I sometime wish I would have just keep it hidden form her. I really don’t know what to do now? I just think is easier for me to leave and try to fine someone that will expect for me
You certainly haven’t made a mistake by being honest and open with someone you care about. You should never be afraid to tell your loved ones your secrets, and keeping it bottled up does nobody any good. However, it is likewise important to be with people who accept you for who you are…
I found out that my husband enjoyed cross dressing a few years ago. During an intimate encounter somehow the subject of him putting on my panties came up..so he did, then he put on a pair of my open toed shoes and strutted around…I laughed and giggled and it was an enjoyable moment. After that he told me that he enjoys cross dressing and had done it in secret for many years. I was very supportive of him and decided that maybe it would be something we could incorporate into our sex life to spice it up a bit. The came the troubles. He was constantly pestering me to purchase him clothes and shoes and when I didn’t he then accused me of not being interested in it, or thinking he was gay…Well as a woman I know how expensive nice shoes and sexy night gowns cost. It wasn’t high on my priority list. On the nights that we did dress him up he would ruin the entire experience for me by getting completely wasted and constantly asking do I look exy? Do you enjoy this? I’m messed up aren’t I? Just getting completely self conscious. Now I know that this is a sensative situation and I was trying to be supportive I did his make up, shaved his body, did his hair etc. However the constant questioning of me and the situation took me out of it completely! I don’t want to be a part of it anymore, I don’t want to have to dress him up every time we have sex…can’t we just have sex? I just wanted to enjoy the experience with him, the journey. But he made it so much work and emotionally exhausting! I tried t explain to him that if this is what turns him on I would join in, but I still needed some attention affection and romance to get in the mood. I have no one that I can talk to and I m starting to shut down and push him away. Please help me!
It’s strange that its socially acceptable for a girl to dress in boys clothes but its not the other way around people immediately assume that he’s gay or a pervert etc… so unfair to judge a man like that just because of the fabric of clothes? At the end of the day they are just clothes, I’m a straight male married with kids and I love to dress up in sexy lingerie, it doesn’t suit me much i suppose but I like the feeling of the fabric and the thought of being totally exposed and vunerable in front of my wife its a liberating experience and the thought of being caught too is exciting and i have the best sex ever when i have nylons on honestly and my wife doesn’t complain because she sees how excited i am, I have never had the desire to go out in public fully dressed up and for me it just stops in the bedroom between me and my wife, she’s quite understanding about it as she knows its strictly restricted to our love making and there is no threat that i am thinking of being a full time woman, I enjoy being a man and quite a masculine man at that but the dressing up occasionally feels liberating and has a calming influence on my life its a huge misconception that cross dressers are gay or want to be women, but I can understand that a wife may initially jump to these conclusions such is the stereotype of a cross dresser but this sterotype is untrue. Don’t panic if you find out there could be many reasons behind it hope this helps
About a week ago, my husband of 9 years told me that he had dreams of wearing nylons, then they were dreams of dressing like a woman. It didnt bother me at first, but now he tells me that he’s worn my clothes and make-up, and he keeps going on about it. I’m trying to look past this, as I love him dearly. However, we also have two small children (eight and two) and I’m concerned about how this may affect them, if it ever came to light. I wish he would have told me about this years ago, as it’s hard not to feel a little betrayed, but since he didn’t, can someone please help me understand and maybe give me some advice. I would really appreciate it.
Nikki,
It is important to let him know how you feel. Make sure he understands that you still love him, but remember that it is okay to feel hurt that he kept this secret from you. But, understand that there are very likely many reasons he didn’t tell you sooner. A very likely one is that he may have been afraid of what it would do to your marriage, that he would lose you if you ever found out. Remember that he loves you very much and trusts you enough to tell you this.
As for the subject of your children. Help your husband as he explores this side of himself. That will help him to accept himself. Which, in turn, will actually benefit your children. When, or if, you tell your children is entirely up to the 2 of you. But your children seeing your marriage strengthened by this, and seeing their father able to be proud of who he is and supported by a loving spouse, will benefit your children more than you can realize. This can be used as a teaching opportunity for your children. Teach them that they can be proud of who they are, and love themselves for everything they are. I hope this helps. Remember though, therapy is never a bad idea.
Hi, well this is a good place to find myself. I am sitting here crying inconsolably, having discovered my partner is a cross dresser. I have tried to understand, but he says he only did it for a short while and no longer needs as he is in a good relationship (with me). But now I have found out he has a profile on a crodressing/TVgirl website, and has lots and of chats with others. He says he has never met anyone for real, but all this online stuff has been since he has met me, as well as before. I really just don’t know how to handle it, and would appreciate help and advice from other men who do it and women who have been in the same situation as me. I am such a strong and understanding person, but I cannot cope with the lies anymore. Please help