Post image for Ten ways to handle “the conversation”

Ten ways to handle “the conversation”

by The Wife on July 12, 2008

For some people, finding out that their spouse or lover is a transgendered person or a crossdresser can be a shock. People who have been married for years, say 20 plus years, can feel betrayed and disappointed. For others, it can be a small deal or even a positive outcome to what might have been an emotionally charged first conversation.

You may have already been told that your loved one is a crossdresser, but if not – if you suspect it – here are ways that you can react or cope with the news.

Listen. This is one of the most stressful conversations your significant other will likely ever have, let alone that it is with you. By telling you this they are likely telling you their last secret, the final thing that you may not know about them. This is about them. Yes, it is about you, too, but you have not had to live with the lifetime feelings of guilt or “otherness” that they may have likely experienced their entire lives. Make sure you respect that and listen to what they need to say to you.

Try not to be accusatory. You may feel like you have been betrayed. This is normal. At the same time, though, it doesn’t help you or them if you make accusatory statements and say things that you will later regret. Instead of asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” say, “I am hurt that you did not tell me sooner, but I appreciate knowing.” It is important that they understand how you feel, but ultimately it is your choice how you choose to let that information affect you, there will be plenty of time for both of you to express your feelings. They are not telling you because they want to leave you, they are telling you because they trust you.

Ask questions. This will likely be one of the most revealing and memorable moments of your relationship. Just know that these first conversations can end up making your relationship so much deeper so ask them if they are comfortable with you asking them questions if you are curious about their reasons for crossdressing. Again, make sure your questions are not accusatory and respect them as a human being.

Understand that they are not gay (or straight if you’re already in a homosexual relationship). There is a definite difference between someone being transgendered or a crossdresser and being gay. Often “transgendered” is lumped into the same category of gender issues as gay, lesbian, and bi-sexual (LGBT = lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, and transgendered), but transgendered is not about a person’s sexual orientation. It is about how they view their gender and what sex, if any, with which they identify. True, some gay people are transgendered, and some transgendered people are gay, but it’s more than likely that this person loves you and is telling you because they love you, are attracted to you, and want to be with you. Less than 1 in 10 of crossdressers have any interest in the same sex, the vast majority are hetereosexual.

blue daisy

Ask for some time to adjust. If this news makes it hard for you to see your lover in a different way, tell them that you need some time to adjust and accept your new reality of knowing this information. They may have just changed your perspective on what may or may not be culturally acceptable for gender, so ask them to show you the same respect as you have shown them by letting you think about this news and information a while. It is okay to take it slow – you deserve that and they will likely be willing to go slow with you.

See a counselor, and seek more information. If you feel that you need to talk to someone else about this, you can talk to a trusted friend first, but you may want to seek out a counselor instead. Be sure that you see a counselor that specializes in gender issues, because just like medical specialties, there are psychiatric/psychological specialties and some doctors will be more knowledgeable than others on crossdressing and transgenderism (look for words like “gender dysphoria” as well). It may also be advantageous for the two of you to go see a counselor together. There are also numerous websites, support groups, and books that can help you gain a better understanding. It’s worth taking some time to become knowledgable on the subject.

Make an effort to accept. Even if you are uncomfortable, try to take baby steps. Don’t be afraid to ask your spouse to take it slow, but be open to seeing this person dressed how they like, or to assist with manly or womanly things that you have typically thought was solely yours in the relationship. Understand, though, that you both have different tastes and they may not have the same style or approach you do as a man or woman. There’s a tendancy to think that “this changes everything”, but most of the time when it comes right down to it only a few small things change – most people realize that it isn’t as big a deal as they originally imagined.

Find out if this goes beyond crossdressing. Some couples experience crossdressing in their relationship in a very minimal way. It can be weeks or months before your partner chooses to crossdress again. There are other couples that experience this more frequently, and yet others who come to the realization that this is not just about crossdressing – this is a need to actually become the other sex (only a tiny fraction of cross-dressers truely want a sex change). If you both want to stay in this relationship, you need to determine if you are willing to stick it out. If you are a woman and you find out your husband wants to be a woman, staying with her will not make you a lesbian, and vice versa if you are a man. You married this person for sexual reasons, but you also married them because they (hopefully) fulfilled you intellectually and emotionally – your connection is deeper than just the surface. These kinds of relationships work for some people, and not for others – but it will take time for you to determine if it works for you. You can learn to broaden your horizons if you want to stay together for the rest of your lives.

Be supportive. Whether it is helping them pick out makeup or clothes, or just being their rock, you should be there to support them. What they are looking for is acceptance, and more than anything they want to know that they have your support and can depend on you. It may not be easy, but eventually you may be able to offer them all the support they need.

Understand it is okay to leave. You may feel a lot of guilt at not being able to accept this new situation, if it is truly different than what you are used to, but for some people it is hard to marry the idea of what you are comfortable with in a relationship with what has fundamentally changed for you. It is not easy to leave this person behind, but make sure you are doing it because you have tried your utmost to make it work. It is unfair for you to leave if you haven’t tried to understand or make it work. At least put your best foot forward and give it some time genuinely trying to understand your spouse.

Crossdressing is most of the time a private matter. Realize that your spouse likely doesn’t want others to know about their cross dressing. There is an immense pressure especially put on men who act in any way “girly” their entire lives – your spouse likely does not want others to know, and honestly you probably don’t either because of the social stereotypes. Whether or not you choose to stay with this person, it is important that you do not talk to anyone else about their transgenderism or crossdressing without talking about it with your spouse. Both of you should respect the privacy of the other and keep this information to yourselves (with exception to a counselor) until and unless you both feel it’s appropriate to tell others.

It’s easy when spouse comes out to think that they have betrayed you, but this isn’t necessarily the whole picture. In a way, a spouse coming out to you reveals a level of trust and love for you that they’ve never experienced with any other person (including their own parents). It’s true, they have held something from you, and it’s fair for you to express any frustration you have with that. But you can also use this conversation to explore a side of your spouse that they trust you enough to see. Many couples say that their relationship improves after the conversations they have with their spouse about crossdressing. Most people are fearful that this means that their spouse doesn’t love them, or wants to leave them – the opposite is true. Your spouse likely has lived with horrible guilt for not telling you, but tremendus social pressure to make sure nobody knew.

The main thing to remember throughout this discovery period is that you and your partner are both human, and that your partner is still the same person. They have likely lived with this aspect of themselves for their entire life and they probably haven’t shared this with anyone else before they shared it with you. Take it as an honor that you have been entrusted with this information, and do what you can to understand them, transgenderism and/or crossdressing. Education is one of the surest ways that you can more fully appreciate them, and be the supportive person that you both need you to be.

Image credit: malias.

{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

Michele Lynn December 23, 2009 at 4:31 pm

My wife knows I crossdress, but cannot stand being in the same room as me when I am enfemme. It is hard for her and me as I want to share that side of me with her and she cannot. It is driving me to abuse alcohol and other destructive behaviors. What can I do?

Reply

mattie November 4, 2010 at 3:07 pm

Hi Michelle,

Thank you for your comment. In my opinion you (and your wife) could really benefit from discussing this with others. Please look around and see if there are transgender or crossdresser support groups – or if you can afford it or have insurance seek out a private practice psychologist who has experience with crossdressing and transgender issues.

Ultimately if the two of you can’t find some kind of common ground you just have to decide if the relationship is right for you.

Alcohol and destructive behavior will not make the problem better, only worse. Please seek help, there are constructive ways of dealing with these issues, and they are not uncommon.

I wish you well in your relationship.

Chris February 12, 2013 at 11:28 pm

Not everyone has my perspective. My older sister started dressing me when I was 5 years old. She thought is was funny, or something I don’t know. She did this until I was almost 10 years old. And she would dress me up in front of her friends. Ironically, I liked it because i got to hang out with older people. This just transfered over into my later life, and became a normal behavior. I have never thought of myself as a woman, never wanted a sex change, never considered being homosexual or bisexual. In fact I love women, and am married. My wife has some issues with it. But I never leave the house and feel quite comfortable puttering around the garage in a dress and heels. My wife and I have a great sex life, and we do all things together. She has access to my computer, and no tranny porn there. Maybe a bookmarked site with dresses. Our kids are grown, and I like to dress about 3-4 days a week. Nothing really special, a blouse, skirt, bra, panties, hose, heels and sometimes a corset. The only problem my wife has with it is a really look like a girl. I am 5’8, slender and have long hair way past my shoulders. I think the reason our marriage is working is I adore my wife and worship the ground she walks on. And I have never cheated on her in 37 years. I hope that you can have the same in your marriage!

Lucy June 14, 2011 at 3:40 am

When my boyfriend came out to me, he acted like we was going to tell me some horrible dark secret. Once he told me he was a crossdesser, I was relieved and I even liked it. You have to remember that crossdressing is not a bad thing so there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Now I love his crossdressing and the whole thing has brought us so much closer and opened a whole new world of fun and intimacy. Girls without that are missing out.

I must also say that my positive reaction was very much due to how and when he told me. Had I found out by accident or had he told me after 20 years of marriage, I’d not have handled things well at all.

I like your blog!

Reply

Sherry July 11, 2011 at 3:24 pm

well Lucy your comments in your last paragraph about your reaction had i found out by accident or had he told me after 20 years of marriage, Well this has happened to me both of these things, i found out in May 2010 on mothers day to be precise wow that was a kicker to me, i found photographs, when i asked him about them, he lied saying he did them for me another lie,then another excuse and then finally finished that conversation by telling me he was thinking of putting them on the internet, wow, guess what these lies still have not stopped, my marriage to me was based on truth honesty and respect i have been with my husband since i was 16 and ahalf years old sex never been a strong point, i bought up this issue many times thinking it was a medical problem, he did nothing now i find out he is a cross dresser that explains it over the years he has lead me to believe that it was my weight gain although he denying this, obversely i believed i was not sexy enough , depression set in i was wanting to kill my self and still do sometimes for years now i have been seeing a shrink still believing it has been me all along, more lies guess what i hate people who lie, everyone says to be understanding of him what about a marriage built on trust and even when he knew he had these feelings about his gender issues, he should not have married me i have put my whole life into this marriage , see 12 months ago he denied that he was a cross dresser that he only tried it to see if it helped him with our sex problems along with some other stuff he got of the internet, i have tried to rebuild my marriage over this last 12 months, then to find out in a counseling session last week that he is still a cross dresser after denying it many times even to the councilor, the reason we were seeing her was because of this problem but he continued to LIE LIE LIE something that i cannot stand he says i don’t trust him no wonder way when he keeps LYING, what i believed my marriage to be has been false all along only problem is im in it too deep to leave so i sit daily crying feeling abused the list goes on

Reply

Samantha August 22, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Ok so, this is hard for me to talk about but I’m going to say it anyway since apparently i’m not the only one in this boat. My fiancee cross dresses on occasion, I’ve known this for a while now, as he originally tried to stop, and it was working but apparently not for very long as this afternoon he told me that he still does/wants to. I know he is not gay, we’ve been together for years and the sexual aspect of our relationship has never been a problem. My main and really only issue with this is the fact that i find this a very hard thing to understand and accept, I love him dearly and dont wish to leave him, but the idea of him cross dressing makes me highly uncomfortable….its shocking and somewhat scary. Any advice on how to cope?

Reply

Red August 26, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Samantha,
I completely feel for you, My fiancée is also a cross dresser. I found out about a year ago, at the time I was shocked and hurt that he didn’t tell me. Over the past year I asked him a lot of questions and did a lot of research. The #1 most important thing that I found out was that he CAN NOT stop cross dressing… what’s done is done. That fact alone helped me cope, once you except that it won’t change ( assuming that your totally in love with him ) things start getting better.
Ask him questions and talk about it….I still get freaked out every once in awhile…like when I find cross dressing chat rooms in our google history ( seriously…what are they talking about?) but that’s normal! and trust me babe, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, there are lots and lots of us ladies out there just like you…you might be surprised to find out how many!!!

good luck!
Red

Samantha August 28, 2011 at 1:21 am

I dont know if anyone read my comment but i thought i would give an update. Its been just over a week since I found out about my fiancee’s interest. I’ve begun to accept it and our relationship is stronger than ever :)

Reply

kc December 9, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Samantha,
I just recently found out just as you thay my fiance is a crossdresser it has totally consumed me. Im glad to see that it can work. Thanks for your post.

Joelene August 28, 2011 at 8:53 am

My boyfriend told me right off the bat that he used to crossdress, and always had feelings about being a woman. He told me he had them under control n that he didnt think it would happen again. but now he wants to and hes going for hormone treatments in october. Im going to be there every step of the way, if he does decide to go through with the operation ill still be there holding his hand <3 I know he needs support and thats something hes never really had in the past, I wish I would have known him sooner, weve been dating for a month and Ive never been happier, neither has he. I started buying him makeup, nailpolish, you name it Im getting it for him. He deserves the best, and he deserves support, just like all the other men going through the same thing <3 He asked me to choose a name for him for when he does crossdress, and I felt so honored, and we decided if we ever have a little girl that his old crossdressing name will be her name <3

Reply

Kelly September 7, 2011 at 6:20 am

Hi, Im 35 married for 12 year with two children. My husband has just told me that he is a crossdresser, he has only tried the underwear and shoes, but is now telling me that he wants the whole lot. Im confused on how I feel about it all, I will be honest I feel completely sick of the situation I have been put into. Im hurt that he didnt tell me before we married, or had the children. Im not sure how this works, ie with keeping it from the kids etc….any advice would be great.

Reply

Sara Jakubowski December 9, 2011 at 7:07 pm

The imporant thing to note is that he may not have actually known about this before he got married or had children – or, if he did, may not have fully understood it himself and didn’t know at the time how much it would truly impact the marriage. Life is – among many things – a continuous journey of self discovery.

My own personal story (I am a transsexual woman) happened very much like that – I had been married for 3 years before I realized that I liked crossdressing. I only discovered this when I went in drag to a halloween party. That was the pebble that started the avalanche, however, and 4 years later, I was beginning hormone replacement therapy, and she asked me for a divorce. My wife asked many of the same questions : Why didn’t I tell her sooner? The only answer I had – because it was the honest one – was that I didn’t KNOW sooner than that, and I knew I had these feelings but I couldn’t identify them and certainly didn’t know what implications they had! After I realized what was going on, I then needed to try to sort those feelings out, and discover what they were leading to – I wasn’t going to tell my wife, “I like women’s clothes but I can’t answer any more questions then that.” If I dropped a bomb like that on her, I’d need to be prepared with answers, and that takes time.

Be patient. Be understanding. He most likely is just as frightened as you, and has probably spent many years of your marriage in denial, cursing himself for what he is and trying as hard as he can NOT to be someone who destroys the marriage. He’s also spent those years FAILING to stop himself from being this person, and feeling like a failure because of it. If the marriage fails, he will wear the guilt of being the person who destroyed it, all for something he could not help being.

Lisa September 16, 2011 at 12:51 am

Hi, I’m in the same boat with Kelly, I am 35, married 8 years and have 3 young children. My husband told me that he is a crossdresser today and he is considering HRT treatments. I was very supportive to the situation in our conversation but I am very scared and have no idea where our marriage stands. He is a bipolar alcoholic and recently started drinking again. I don’t want to push him over the edge with my reactions but now I feel like he got his secret out and I have to hold everything I feel in. I have know idea what to do, I also have trust issues with him, he is always on the internet, talking on porn sites and recently I caught him talking to other men on Craigslist. He denies ever meeting up with anyone. I just feel like my life is in a downward spiral and I don’t know how to handle it. ??????? :-(

Reply

mattie September 16, 2011 at 1:08 am

Hi Lisa (and others),

First of all, thank you so much for your comment.

Of course I feel a certain degree of sympathy for your husband (and it sounds like you do too), but I also must say that the behavior you are describing (porn, drinking, flirting) is not really a “crossdresser” or “transgender” thing. There are lots of men out there who crossdress and don’t go into these other things, as a matter of fact many of them describe that they feel calmer, more engaged in their relationships, and more stable when this side comes out.

The fact that you say your husband is considering HRT treatments also is a bit concerning. One does not need female hormones to be a crossdresser, and if he is interested in starting hormones then there is a good chance there is more going on here – hormones absolutely modify the body, and change the mind, and should ideally be done under the care of a doctor. If he wants to go on hormones, there’s a good possibility he needs more than just to crossdress. He may also be dealing with other addictions or issues.

Being a crossdresser or being transgender isn’t a license to mistreat or withdraw from your partner. It’s not a license to go to bars, flirt with other people, and shirk your responsibilities as a parent, spouse and adult. You have needs in this relationship too, and those also deserve to be heard. The couples that successfully navigate this I believe find a way to remain true to each other, and support each other, and also respect each other.

If it’s possible I recommend you see a therapist, but if you can get your husband to see a therapist it’s all the better. If he refuses, then you should see one because it doesn’t seem like you’re dealing with someone who is treating you respectfully – this is a two way street.

It is good and right to be compassionate and understanding. Your husband wearing a dress isn’t going to end your marriage. But if he is cheating, avoiding proper medical care, and getting lost in addictions these things certainly can end a marriage – dress or no dress. Compassion and understanding needs to come back to you too though from him for the relationship to work.

Please be safe, and just know that the behavior you are describing is not typical crossdresser or transgender behavior.

wondering October 13, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Well I told my girlfriend about my cross dressing, she is having a hard time dealing with that issues. I think I did the wrong thing by telling her, I sometime wish I would have just keep it hidden form her. I really don’t know what to do now? I just think is easier for me to leave and try to fine someone that will expect for me

Reply

Sara Jakubowski December 9, 2011 at 7:15 pm

You certainly haven’t made a mistake by being honest and open with someone you care about. You should never be afraid to tell your loved ones your secrets, and keeping it bottled up does nobody any good. However, it is likewise important to be with people who accept you for who you are…

deanna November 2, 2011 at 1:49 pm

I found out that my husband enjoyed cross dressing a few years ago. During an intimate encounter somehow the subject of him putting on my panties came up..so he did, then he put on a pair of my open toed shoes and strutted around…I laughed and giggled and it was an enjoyable moment. After that he told me that he enjoys cross dressing and had done it in secret for many years. I was very supportive of him and decided that maybe it would be something we could incorporate into our sex life to spice it up a bit. The came the troubles. He was constantly pestering me to purchase him clothes and shoes and when I didn’t he then accused me of not being interested in it, or thinking he was gay…Well as a woman I know how expensive nice shoes and sexy night gowns cost. It wasn’t high on my priority list. On the nights that we did dress him up he would ruin the entire experience for me by getting completely wasted and constantly asking do I look exy? Do you enjoy this? I’m messed up aren’t I? Just getting completely self conscious. Now I know that this is a sensative situation and I was trying to be supportive I did his make up, shaved his body, did his hair etc. However the constant questioning of me and the situation took me out of it completely! I don’t want to be a part of it anymore, I don’t want to have to dress him up every time we have sex…can’t we just have sex? I just wanted to enjoy the experience with him, the journey. But he made it so much work and emotionally exhausting! I tried t explain to him that if this is what turns him on I would join in, but I still needed some attention affection and romance to get in the mood. I have no one that I can talk to and I m starting to shut down and push him away. Please help me!

Reply

Chris November 2, 2011 at 3:27 pm

It’s strange that its socially acceptable for a girl to dress in boys clothes but its not the other way around people immediately assume that he’s gay or a pervert etc… so unfair to judge a man like that just because of the fabric of clothes? At the end of the day they are just clothes, I’m a straight male married with kids and I love to dress up in sexy lingerie, it doesn’t suit me much i suppose but I like the feeling of the fabric and the thought of being totally exposed and vunerable in front of my wife its a liberating experience and the thought of being caught too is exciting and i have the best sex ever when i have nylons on honestly and my wife doesn’t complain because she sees how excited i am, I have never had the desire to go out in public fully dressed up and for me it just stops in the bedroom between me and my wife, she’s quite understanding about it as she knows its strictly restricted to our love making and there is no threat that i am thinking of being a full time woman, I enjoy being a man and quite a masculine man at that but the dressing up occasionally feels liberating and has a calming influence on my life its a huge misconception that cross dressers are gay or want to be women, but I can understand that a wife may initially jump to these conclusions such is the stereotype of a cross dresser but this sterotype is untrue. Don’t panic if you find out there could be many reasons behind it hope this helps

Reply

Zoe February 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Thank you for your comment. My husband told me a few years ago about crossdressing. Initially, I was fine and his vulnerability made me feel strong and supportive. We went to counselling but not for long and since then he has closed down on me again. It is still his secret as he knows I find it really hard to get my head around. I truly wish I was more accepting. I think it’s because it’s done privately and I am too scared of accepting it into our own sex life. I am worried that if I see him dressed up, I will freak and I’ll just have a bizarre visual flashback for the rest of my life. He did tell me he liked to dress up after a fancy dress night where he and a friend dressed as girls from the 70s. I just feel like we’ve gone backwards and he is now reverting to lying and secrecy because he knows I really just want it to to stop. I suppose I am going to have to accept it as we are married with two girls aged 4 & 6. When I am feeling logical, I know it’s not enough of a reason to split but I find it incredibly hard to work it through in my head. He is such a bloke and a man’s man, I find it emasculating and am just not sure what to do!

Nikki December 14, 2011 at 10:53 pm

About a week ago, my husband of 9 years told me that he had dreams of wearing nylons, then they were dreams of dressing like a woman. It didnt bother me at first, but now he tells me that he’s worn my clothes and make-up, and he keeps going on about it. I’m trying to look past this, as I love him dearly. However, we also have two small children (eight and two) and I’m concerned about how this may affect them, if it ever came to light. I wish he would have told me about this years ago, as it’s hard not to feel a little betrayed, but since he didn’t, can someone please help me understand and maybe give me some advice. I would really appreciate it.

Reply

Lois February 6, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Nikki,

It is important to let him know how you feel. Make sure he understands that you still love him, but remember that it is okay to feel hurt that he kept this secret from you. But, understand that there are very likely many reasons he didn’t tell you sooner. A very likely one is that he may have been afraid of what it would do to your marriage, that he would lose you if you ever found out. Remember that he loves you very much and trusts you enough to tell you this.
As for the subject of your children. Help your husband as he explores this side of himself. That will help him to accept himself. Which, in turn, will actually benefit your children. When, or if, you tell your children is entirely up to the 2 of you. But your children seeing your marriage strengthened by this, and seeing their father able to be proud of who he is and supported by a loving spouse, will benefit your children more than you can realize. This can be used as a teaching opportunity for your children. Teach them that they can be proud of who they are, and love themselves for everything they are. I hope this helps. Remember though, therapy is never a bad idea.

Cathy February 3, 2012 at 5:40 am

Hi, well this is a good place to find myself. I am sitting here crying inconsolably, having discovered my partner is a cross dresser. I have tried to understand, but he says he only did it for a short while and no longer needs as he is in a good relationship (with me). But now I have found out he has a profile on a crodressing/TVgirl website, and has lots and of chats with others. He says he has never met anyone for real, but all this online stuff has been since he has met me, as well as before. I really just don’t know how to handle it, and would appreciate help and advice from other men who do it and women who have been in the same situation as me. I am such a strong and understanding person, but I cannot cope with the lies anymore. Please help

Reply

Kira February 8, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Cathy,
Your last statement is the most important, “but I cannot cope with the lies anymore” and you shouldn’t have to. You have given your husband your love and support, you deserve nothing less than his honesty.

My wife and I are totally open and honest with each other. She supports me completely and I am completely honest with her because she deserves nothing less.

If you have read the other stories here, you know that many people recommend seeing a good therapist and I would tell you the same. Talk to someone who can help both of you deal with these issues, don’t try to do all yourself when you don’t need to.

Roger March 7, 2012 at 3:25 am

Let me add to this conversation, that there is no way a crossdresser will change, no matter how often they may want to.
I have purged numerous times over my life. Since I married over 25 years ago I have tried many times, because I knew my wife wouldn’t understand, being openly homophobic, both to male and female gays.
I fessed up 2 years ago, because the burden of keeping such a secret became too great, I couldn’t stand basically deceiving her.
Since then I have worn lovely nylon and satin nightgowns regularly to bed, mainly because thats my particular fetish, and I find that I am less inclined to do the rest of the dressing up that I used to do secretly, and it just feels good sleeping in them.
My wife accepts my crossdressing, because we are soul mates, but she tells me its turn off when she sees me, so no sex while I am dressed up. Thats her excuse, but doesn’t explain why for the majority of our marriage I havent really gotten much more than irregular sex at the best of times.
Mind she had a total hysterectomy, has had numerous operations, causing scarring, including recovered from breast cancer, and suspected cancer in the other breast later on.
I guess she doesnt feel sexy, and isnt particularly interested in all the lovely lingerie I bought her over the years as she never will spontaneously dress up, even though I often told her I love to see her wearing them.
How can I convince her its not something she should be revolted by?

Reply

vickie March 9, 2012 at 11:32 am

With 22 years of experiences living with a Cross-dresser I feel confident in answering the questions that I have heard a multitude of times. Why! Why is he that way? Why do you put up with it? Why do you stay? The answer now seems very simple although I have spent many sleepless nights and hair pulling days trying to answer these question for myself and embarrassing shame filled hours trying to answer this for family, friends and curious community.
When I first encountered the dilemma I got every book from the state library that made mention of this situation. The topic was skirted but out of 12 books a few pages explained what it was, but no real why. One book gave me the answers that I chose to base my decisions to stay on. It talked about the physiological, psychological make up of those men who had the need to feel complete by wearing woman’s attire. It talked about hamstrings that were shorter than normal in all these men that caused them to walk on the balls of their feet, that one fit. The parent roles were backwards with a dominating female and a weak or lacking male figure. The book mentioned selfishness, well that was more like self-centered or self -contained and there is a difference. These individuals are not romantic and indulge in self pleasing stimulus. They normally become involved with women with low self esteem and are not necessarily homosexual although usually have had encounters as youths of the same sex.
I asked the Cross-dresser and I got a different answer every time. Yesterday it was because for the last 10 generations the role of men in our civilization has taken a startling change, that society has not yet been able to come to grips with. When called on this world view down to how does this affect him an answer came from the heart.
“ I guess I just never learned how to be happy as a man.”
I have come to the conclusion that it was not about being forced to wear girls clothes for the first 5 years of his life by a demented caregiver, or that he was locked in the closet and forced to stay in the toy boxes for hours a day or because his pee pee was slammed in the toilet seat during potty training (more than once), or because caregivers fondled his genitals while bathing him or because someone who should have never approached him for sex at 12 did.
I have heard from him that high heels for women help his back, that bras give shoulder support, that nail polish strengthens his brittle nails although he prefers the french white tip. Woman’s underwear fit better and pantyhose are good insulation from the cold.
I have come to the conclusion after 22 years that the reason he cross dresses is not about all of these things but simply because he chooses to.
Life is like this huge smorgasbord of choices constantly presenting themselves on a conveyer belt of time. One choice affects the next. If you choose a taco shell you then choose companion meats and vegetables. If you choose roast you then choose condiments that make it a meal.
Our makeup affects these choices, if your are allergic to dairy products you don’t buy milkshakes. Having the physiological and psychological traits of a cross-dresser does not mean you are one but it can create an appetite.
Cross-dresser normally are married to women. They can be labeled homosexual,
bisexual, or straight. I have come to the conclusion that they are self contained sexually,
the object of their affection and interest is the reflection in the mirror. They are like that
worm that is asexual. I know that most peoples reaction is to assume that all sorts of
perversion must be part of the package but that hasn’t been the case.
The only abuse that my children and grandchildren have experienced is confusion
and embarrassment and shame distributed by friends family and community.
The way my family and friends originally responded was different than now. This
was made evident to me yesterday by my sister who at first was appalled and insisted
that I leave him. My ex-husband threatened to take me to court to take my children and
had his family members came on board to support him. I have had Bible quotes of
effeminate is an abomination to God burn in hell type stuff, to not be a partaker leave his
presence. My friend came in our absence and gathered up his girly articles and had a
bonfire, so have I on several occasions. My dad pulled a knife on him to gut the fagot
son of a B. The reaction of my sister yesterday was not, you must leave or you should
leave as it later became, but rather it is your decision and I support you what ever you
choose, but when will you do something that brings you happiness and of course she
added that time is getting shorter. That comment comes with age I guess as does the
change in position.
I have left several times but promises to change brought me back. The man that
did come out was angry, abusive, sully and still there was no intimacy or romance.
When things went back to what they were before I was told that it was because I was not
enough of a women myself to keep him satisfied. Now that has always been a fear of
mine so I took the bait and tried to be more than I could be. The benefits for these
attempts were ridicule, comparative comments “that would look better on me” and
laughter and snickering at my flaws, if I had tooth paste on my chin that was great stuff.
I don’t hear you look pretty, that looks nice on you, wow. I don’t receive embraces,
hand holding, hugs, soft pinches or twinkling suggestive eye rolling, I had all that in my
previous marriage. With all that romance came a broken nose, jaw, 4 shattered teeth,
thrown out at 3 in the morning in my pajamas while 7 months pregnant in December.
With that came promises to change and twinkling rolling eyes that suckered me back in
for choking, neck injuries having every household article sold for beer and other women
wanting what those twinkling eyes promised, trying to claw my eyes out to get it.
I guess I became allergic to romance. I have learned to leave it alone on the
conveyer belt of choices. With my own past choices creating a palate hungering for
safety and more sanity I now have chosen ridicule, shame, non-romantic, a sexless, safe
relationship.
What makes this relationship appetizing is that the person I live with is
compassionate towards others, if I want to help someone it is supported. He also has his
own projects of giving to others. If I want to scratch in the garden, take three days
mowing a 2 acre pasture with a push lawnmower while in a leg brace, spend hours
making something creative or tear down a wall and wall paper the ceiling I am not stopped and sometimes he even helps.
My ex-husband took pictures of a small piece of sheet rock I removed because he thought it was insane for me to want to repair a hole in the kitchen wall. That picture was used as evidence in our divorce to my instability. He would really had trouble with what I did to my husband now. He came home and I had tore out the wall between the bedrooms to make 3 rooms out of 2. He only said “Well I guess I’m going to have to play carpenter this weekend.” We both like to fish, camp, pick mushrooms and berries, hunt, boat and yard sale and take drives in the mountains. I know he loves me although for years I believed what I was told by others that he was just using me. I don’t believe this any more there are easier fish to fry out there and accessible for him. He cares about me, supports my decisions, invests in my interests and helps me when I take on to much and can’t get all I want to do done. No task is to feminine or to masculine he is knowledgeable, intelligent, caring and spiritual and does not indulge in any other addictions other than Romancing His Own. When I think about his not being here I would truly miss his heart and his love in my life.
Do I like that he cross-dresses? I despise his girlishness, I don’t like the consequences that it inflicts on my family and me. I hate the confusion that it creates for people who see only the outside and either run or bash. I hate the assumptions of perversion, and the shock and horror it creates. It is clothes it is not a contagious disease. He is right in saying women have been able to find acceptance wearing men clothes doing men jobs but society will not give that form of equality to men. I hardly see the clothes any more just the person I love behind the attention seeking mask. I equate his attire like getting wrinkly old skin. It is not as esthetically pleasing to view but if you remember the soul behind the aging skin and the love experience of the elderly one, does the wrinkling old skin really matter?
I have burned his clothes, left his side, laughed at the comments, refused to be seen with him, looked the other way, given up seeing any change, cried, whined, complained, asked God for guidance, tried to accept, tried not to comment, or complain, become indifferent to his ways and isolated myself from situations that I know would bring shame and embarrassment. I leave judgment to a higher source who will judge my actions and life as well. Do I love bawling babies, snot-nosed toddlers, sassy preteens, know it all reckless teenagers, harried whiny mothers and self indulgent dads and aging needy invalids who have forgotten their social graces, yes because these are things they do not who they are.
Is my motivation pure and my love complete? No I believe I have not been able to give anyone the love they have deserved. I come from a place of severe mental sexual and physical abuse from a very early age. As a victim of these abuses I continued to find willing participants to play the role of abuser. This relationship is the least abusive I have been in. I don’t really feel I have the capacity to give or receive the kind of love that is called normal natural love.
Am I happy? I have several physical limitations I accept that I can’t run or stand to
long. I accept that my image of self has brought individuals into my life that have not been able to give the love I have wanted to experience. I can’t blame a dog for barking, a cat for scratching or other wounded individuals for being anymore emotionally open or capable to give love than I am. Have you ever tried to make a dog stop barking or a cat stop scratching? I am the one who made the choices to have a dog or cat or enter a relationships with emotionally handicapped individuals. I have heard that there is no shame in being abused only in remaining in the abuse. Sounds like what they say about head lice.
Life is as complete and as happy as I allow it to be. I believe that what I choose to look upon is what I see.

Reply

Still-struggling April 3, 2012 at 6:16 am

Wow, interesting perspective Vickie, and exactly my worst nightmare when I contemplate another decade with my crossdressing husband. I don’t want a lifetime of ridicule and embarrassment, and thankfully I’m having enough personal counseling never to allow it.

Should my husband expand his monthly repertoire to something public, or insist on playing the girl in our relationship, or push any of the boundaries we have chosen together…I will leave.

And yes, I have the strength and knowledge in my own right to happiness to do this.

I am sorry your life has been so hard and that you never truly found love. But is settling for the lesser of two evils really the best way to finish a life? Really?

Reply

NewGirl October 22, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I have been dating a guy for 6 weeks. We live in a small town so I can’t feel like I can talk to anyone. I feel very confused.

My guy has a very man type job driving diggers, loaders and trucks. He told me in the weekend that he likes to dress in women’s clothes. It was a shock- not what I was expecting. I am a fairly open minded person so the next day I asked some questions to get some idea on what this means. It sounds like he has a LOT of clothes, I expected dresses (he told me he just likes the feel of the clothes). This is why I can’t understand why he wears womans jeans – wouldn’t they feel the same as his. He wears a nightie, panties and padded bra to bed every night. As he lives out of town I think he wears the clothes as much as possible. He has wigs, make up and loves boots – I gather the higher the boot the better.

The other concerning thing, we have kissed a lot but only been intimate twice both times he was unable to cum. He told me that he is attracted to me (not men). He has been married years ago and has 3 boys (she never knew as he stopped then). Although he liked wearing his mums clothes at a young age.

I swing between liking the idea and then not. My concerns are:

I am wondering if there is more going on…

and will I still be the girl in our relationship?

Reply

urmila January 12, 2013 at 3:22 am

My wife knows and is supportive, one of the condition she has is, that it has to be private and i could do it only when I am alone or when only she is in the house. to avoid the social stigma and any akward situations for the other members of the family

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: