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Does he want to be a woman?

by The Wife on August 17, 2008

Shortly after I found out that my husband was a crossdresser, I was watching TV and ran across the movie Normal starring Tom Wilkinson and Jessica Lange. I sat and watched it, and promptly felt sorry for myself. I had tears running down my face, and felt I truly understood what the characters were going through.

Part of the problem of discovering that your spouse is a crossdresser is that you may automatically assume two things:

1. You believe that they are gay. Based upon my observations and things that I have read/watched about the crossdressing community, it is hard for me to lump being gay and liking to wear women’s clothes in the same category. I know gay men that come across as very masculine (so much so it is hard to know that they are gay until they say so), and others who appear to act more feminine. It’s true that there are nuances of both in each community, but it doesn’t mean that we can assume that either community automatically takes on aspects of the other. So, we can’t automatically assume that homosexuals like to wear women’s clothes, and neither can we assume that crossdressers want to be in homosexual relationships.

2. You believe that they want to be the other sex. This assumption is also unlikely to be true. It would be like saying that just because a woman wears pant suits that she might want to be a man. Not very many people believe or say that because it has become culturally normal for women to crossdress in this way (and in other ways, but that’s another subject for another time). Yes, it is possible that your crossdresser partner wants to be the opposite sex, but more than likely he just likes feminine clothing. Even people who are dyed in the wool transgendered and feel they were born in the wrong body don’t always want to have sexual reassignment surgery.

On the first issue, we got the gay question out of the way in the beginning. He’s interested in women, and primarily he’s interested in me. Based upon my relationship and history with him, I have no reason to distrust him on this.

On the second, I’ll admit that there are still days that I wonder if he’ll ever want the surgery, and even he’s not sure how ‘transgender’ he is (he is seeing a counselor and working through these issues), but even if it were the case it isn’t the case now. I am in a solid marriage with someone who is my partner. Sure, it will be strange for me if he has the surgery, but if that happens we’ll tackle it when we get there. I imagine spending my entire life with this person because I’m committed to having a full and happy life with them. If he eventually becomes she, then I hope it will be okay. I hope I will be able to see past the vagina and boobs and see the person who is and has been my best friend.

I’m reminded of a book that I read a while back called My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd. The author wrote a candid book about crossdressing and how it didn’t mean that her husband would want a sex change. Later I saw her do an interview with her husband on a talk show where he admitted that he wanted to live full time as a woman. This may be unfortunate for her (and I do not know how she feels about this now), but I want to point out that her situation is unique, and that sex change operations do happen, but they are rare. Your husband or boyfriend may only like to dress up on occasion and that will be enough for him. He may dress up more frequently, but it is still enough. Your man very likely wants to stay a man.

I still think about that movie sometimes. It was a heart-wrenching film to watch, but it is just a film. Ever couple’s situation is different, so don’t have preconceived ideas about how this will turn out. But make sure you do sit down with him and discuss these things – discuss the regularly and encourage him to embrace his feminine side and communicate with you! Talk about how you feel, and try and be honest about where your feelings are coming from – and listen to him too, try to put yourself in his shoes. Hopefully he will do the same. Encourage your husband to see a therapist who specializes in transgender issues (and think about it for yourself as well if possible!) – if your husband hasn’t ever talked to anyone about this issue, it will be hard for him to know exactly what the feelings are, or how to deal with them. Even if he comes to the conclusion that he needs to transition to the other gender, just know that it takes a long time to complete the process (years) and that these things don’t happen overnight. You will have a lot of time to give your input, have your feelings be heard, evaluate your own feelings about it, get to understand your husband better, and each of you decide what your future will be.

More than likely he just want’s to ‘let his hair down’ so to speak. And once you spend some time researching crossdressing in marriages, you’ll find many examples of wives who report their husbands are less depressed, and better partners when they can draw themselves a sweet smelling bubble bath and escape from the worries of being “manly” for a while. If it’s good for you, it might be good for him too. And it might end up being positive for your relationship as well.

The single most important things you can do to answer this question is to remain calm, and communicate with him (listen to him). If you can seek outside information and/or counseling all the better. Check out our resources page for some great places to start. There are many people who live with partners who crossdress, or who even consider themselves transgender (in the wrong body) who have healthy, happy relationships. You’ll find a world of information and people like you out there, and you might be surprised how things turn out.

Did/do you experience any other doubts or feelings other than the two I mentioned?

Image credit: Liz Henry.

{ 74 comments… read them below or add one }

S August 13, 2009 at 11:54 am

I know this is an old post, but I just came across it and it’s something I can relate to. I found out about 7 months ago that my then-boyfriend who I had been with for 3 1/2 years is a crossdresser.

I had a hard time dealing with that once I found out, but over time I’ve come to a certain level of acceptance. We went through a few “breaks” and every time we came back to one another. Spending even short amounts of time apart just didn’t feel right. Maybe it was a bad idea on my part, though, because he wasn’t treating me very well, which was a huge shock. For the first couple of years of our relationship he was incredible, I always felt so lucky to have him and like I had something no one else could touch.

But since just before he told me he’s been on and off, sometimes great and sometimes very cold. This may also have to do with the fact that he is bipolar. But in any case it got bad enough that a couple of weeks ago we broke up. I’ve been keeping in contact with him via email and yesterday he told me that he has thought about transitioning. He recently found out that a friend he had online who was also a crossdresser, who had a wife and child, decided to transition into a woman and this has made him very unsure about his own future. Now I’m not sure what to think. Was he just saying that he didn’t want to transition when I asked him about it in the past so he didn’t scare me (which is what he says now)? Or is he so upset by his friend’s misfortunes that he’s thinking of the worst case scenario? By worst case I mean that he’s terrified by the idea of being open about this and if he were to become a woman everyone would have to know about it.

I’m really not sure what to think, but I just hope that he makes the best decision for himself. He’s terrified of losing everyone in his life and that’s stopping him from living a happy and healthy life. And I don’t think I could be in a relationship with him if he were to become a woman, but I will certainly always love and support him, even though at the moment he won’t let me and will barely speak to me as of last night.

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mattie August 13, 2009 at 12:37 pm

Hi S,

I’m really glad you commented on this post because it’s a really important and complex topic.

You don’t mention if your boyfriend (ex?) has talked to other people about his gender identity – but if he is anything like I was chances are he hasn’t talked about it with anyone (or only minimally).

In my case (and I think for a lot of transgender individuals) when you keep those thoughts inside for literally your whole life (from the time you are a child in many cases) I think it makes it seem like the only solution is a full transition to the opposite sex. I know I felt that way, all I knew was that I was a girl on the inside, but because I never had the chance to express the girl it seemed like a transition was inevitable or that I’d have to find a way to keep burying my feelings. When I first came out it was a really confusing time – I mean, on one hand I felt less confused because I was talking about my gender identity for the first time in my life, but on the other hand I now realize that I didn’t even understand my feelings that well back then (and I’m still very much a work in progress.)

Where I’m at now is that I consider myself a transgender person, but I am no longer convinced that I need to fully transition in order to feel at peace with my gender identity, or that a full transition is my only option. When I take an honest look at myself I realize that there are indeed aspects of me that are “boyish”, and that I like those aspects too. I’m still working through this, but I can say that I’ve gone from a position of thinking that transitioning might be “necessary”, to realizing there are more options available to me, and it’s been very helpful.

This being said, gender is a complex issue and I really don’t know how your boyfriend (ex) feels. He may indeed need to transition to feel complete. However, I know in my case that taking it slow has helped me to take an honest look at my gender identity apart from the lifetime of wishing I had been born a girl. I now see my gender as more complex than just “boy” or “girl”, and this has helped me a lot.

I would strongly encourage your boyfriend to find a qualified therpist who specializes in TG/TS issues. This can be a HUGE help in figuring out if a full transition is what he really wants. There are a lot of things to consider. I’m currently seeing a therapist who has been so helpful – she doesn’t press me in any direction, just is there for me to explore my journey and help me find answers to questions I have. She would support me if I came to feel transitioning was my only option and would help me through that, and she supports me if I decided not to. She also has many patients who have found a “third gender” that works for them. I can’t tell you what a difference it can make to work through these issues with someone who is accustomed to working with a lot of TG/TS individuals.

I really wish you and him the best in figuring out what you each want individually, and whether or not that means you should be together or not. In any case, working through this takes a deep level of honesty (with yourself too), strength (to make tough choices), and patience.

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S August 25, 2009 at 1:45 pm

Hi Mattie,

Thanks for your comment, that really helped. I’ve been very confused about everything. I don’t know anyone who is transgender or in a relationship with someone who is so I don’t really have a good understanding of all the issues that surround it. My ex hasn’t been very open to answering questions and from what I can tell it’s because he’s very confused too.

He did keep this inside for his whole life up until now and he’s in his early 20′s. He is seeing a therapist who specializes in TG/TS issues and I think it has helped. From what he’s said it’s a place where he can say anything that’s on his mind and not worry about being judged or upsetting anyone. He’s also working on seeing another specialist that his therapist recommended who does group therapy. I’ve encouraged him to do that too because he says he feels very alone and I hope meeting others who are in the same situation will help him to see that he isn’t.

He recently told his best friend about his gender identity and that was a very big deal. I spoke with his friend about it and we both feel like he’s still at a point where he’s very confused and that fully transitioning isn’t a definite. If he does decide that’s the right thing for him I’ll support it. But when he told me he thought it might happen some day it didn’t fit with what I already knew.

I was wondering if you could explain the “third gender” you mentioned. I’ve heard that term before, but I never knew quite what it meant.

And thanks again. This has been a difficult issue for me and I really appreciate you taking time out to help me understand it better.

mattie September 4, 2009 at 10:32 am

Hi S,

When I say “Third Gender” I’m just talking about individuals who neither feel completely male or completely female but instead something inbetween. In reality, when you think of it, very few people fit perfectly in the category of “male” or “female” but there’s a point at which you get too far into the other gender spectrum that society looks on you strangely and assumes something’s wrong.

Most of us choose to live the “male” or “female” gender role visually though and are comfortable with it. But some individuals actually try and live outwardly how they feel inwardly – and this is what I think of when I think of people who live in the third gender.

The thing is, it’s very hard to do this since when we all look at each other in society we automatically put each other into nice little categories. When someone is sitting across from us on the subway or train and we can’t figure out if they are a boy or girl it can really nag your mind until you figure it out. Unless of course you are already in a mindset where that sort of thing doesn’t matter to you.

For people who live the third gender (something inbetween) it can be hard to get a job, or even be safe in public in some places because they don’t fit these nice categories. I’m talking about a petite biological female who dresses and behaves exactly like a man but you can tell is biologically female. Or a large man who chooses to wear a tasteful and well-fitting skirt and carry a purse.

When you think about it there’s nothing wrong with either of these scenarios. But it’s “strange” for so many people that even though these individuals may feel comfortable in their third gender role, those around them may harass them more, or it may limit their options for jobs or friends because of discrimination.

Wikipedia has an interesting overview of the third gender here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_gender

For someone like me I suppose if the world was a completely accepting place I’d choose to exist in some kind of middle-ground gender expression as well. For me though I’m content so far just considering myself transgender, and living my public experience as a “man”. Even though I don’t like playing that role all the time, at least I can be who I am at home because my wife loves and accepts me for who I am. For now, it’s enough to help me get by and live a pretty happy life – but that doesn’t mean it would work for everyone.

Marie March 3, 2010 at 2:13 am

Well where to start. My husband of 20 years sprung on me today that he wants to start taking hormones. That he will grow breasts, his voice will change and he will have his shriveled penis removed. I am so at a loss. When I try to ask questions about it—he yells and me and tells me it is none of my business and he will do as HE WISHES! Shortly before we got married he told me that he liked to on occasion wear womens’ shoes. I thought it a bit different—but I loved him. I asked him at that time to be honest with me and tell me if there were more to it. He said there was not. He has not taken any of my feelings into account and quite frankly has made it clear that he does not want to hear about my feelings. I do not wish to live as a lesbian for several reasons—-I have wants and needs and they will not be met and my job is such that they get wind of this—they will be looking for any way possible to get rid of me. He has had several affairs—he says only mentally—but I am not so sure. Apparently after the last one a couple of months ago—he decided that he wanted to start taking hormones for whatever reason. Guess he thinks that will help keep him from cheating. Any thought or ideas. I am truly at a loss.

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The Wife March 4, 2010 at 1:39 am

Hi Marie,

Although I should, I don’t often respond to comments on here, and yours stood out to me.

First of all – welcome to the club. I think all of us partners, spouses and families are immersed in a world we know little about. It’s as if someone took cold water and dumped it on us while we were sleeping in warm beds, completely comfortable and happy with the way things were. It’s not always a negative experience to be in this club, but it can most certainly feel like your world is changing in some very odd and frustrating ways.

I’ve never had my husband tell me that he wants to make the full transition, and neither have I experienced a negative confrontation with him about him being transgender. Our conversations have sometimes been painful, but when it comes to this topic, we tread softly, and I’d like to think, respectfully.

That said, it is most certainly not easy to hear the news that he wants to be she – even part of the time. I’ve felt like you sometimes – that I am being forced into a lesbian role when I very much want to be in a fully heterosexual relationship. We are all so used to having things be tied up in neat little boxes of husband and wife, male and female, penis and vagina, that when we’re told, “no I want to be a female, too”, it’s like – WAIT A MINUTE – what about me?? (And I’ll tell you, that this is also a big issue in the gay community, too – all of a sudden a lesbian finds out she has to play a heterosexual role. It’s very hard no matter what sexual orientation you are.)

I could go on and on, but based upon what you’ve written, the biggest piece of advice I can give you is that first and foremost find a couples therapist that has experience with gender issues. It sounds like you love your husband and want to figure out how to fix what is going on. If your husband is truly transgender, it cannot be “fixed”. You may have only found out today about it, but if he is transgender he has known about it his entire life. If you want to maintain this marriage, you will both need to work hard to figure out how to support each other and make this a process that includes you both. It is your business AND his business.

Bottom line – please see someone. If he won’t see a therapist with you, you should most certainly go and see one by yourself to make sure you can handle this. Believe me – you should not try to handle this on your own, especially if you feel you are not being heard by your spouse and if you are concerned with work. It sounds like there are a lot of underlying issues here that need to be worked through – cheating, lying, disrespect – these may be long standing issues that are only being exacerbated by him coming out to you.

I am no expert, but know that you’re not the first to go through this. Many spouses and families have gone before us and have survived just fine. You WILL be okay.

Robert August 25, 2010 at 8:25 pm

While some men want to go all the way with SRS, most do not.
It is not the actual sexual being so much. Most men just enjoy
the comfort of the softer clothing. I am transgendered. I wear skirts. I do not want to be a woman. It is hard to explain but I like my dual nature. I figure GOD had a reason for doing this.
There can be no other explanation. I have adapted this to reflect my dual nature. I wear my skirts with my male polo tops.
Along with my shoes and crew socks. The best description is when I wear my brushed denim A-line skirt, I have a choice on tops light blue, white, or even pink (yes they make mens pink polo shirts). I don’t shave my legs. So it is a combination of masculinity and femininity. People who have seen me accept this more readily then if I would be wearing a flouncy skirt or a dress. My girlfriend accepts it and my family. So there is no need for the SRS, at least in my eyes.

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Janice September 10, 2010 at 12:22 pm

Robert,

You’re not transgendered, you’re a cross dresser.

A transgendered person feels as though they were born the wrong sex and have a desire to fix that problem whether they actually go through with it or not.

A cross dresser enjoys wearing clothes of the other sex but has does not want to become the other sex.

As a very small child (2nd grade is the earliest I remember) I wanted to be a girl. I wanted to wear girl’s clothes so thought myself a cross dresser. The older I became the more I realized wearing girl’s clothes was a symptom of something much deeper. I really wanted to be a girl, not just dress like one. Cross dressing and transexualism are two completely different things.

mattie September 14, 2010 at 10:52 pm

I think there are people who consider themselves somewhere inbetween male and female, that don’t feel SRS would necessarily help them feel more ‘them’.

I think some find a way to actualize a kind of “third” gender – and still call themselves transgender.

I think that the term “transsexual” (pre or post op) refers to someone who feels they are in the wrong body entirely and are on the path to gender reassignment.

I could be wrong in these ideas, I am learning along the way. I just know there are people who consider themselves “third” gender, who are also most comfortable with the term transgender since that term technically describes how they feel.

Psy September 29, 2010 at 6:58 am

I have to agree with mattie on this one, Transsexual has always meant to me a person who wants to be the opposite sex whether they’re pre or post op. However as I understand it Transgender means someone who doesn’t fit completely into either gender according to society. So surely with this said someone who feels they are in between both genders and are happy with it fits very nicely in the Transgender identity. ;)

John Smith September 21, 2010 at 3:43 am

I feel that wife should encourage their husband to wear dress / skirts. Man love skirts but are too afrait to reveal. If encouraged, they would just pretend to go along.
In that case, fitst of all, it please him and fair to him as girls can always wear pant at will.
Besides, once a husband is in skirt, he shall belongs to the wife. He will not find satisfaction with other woman any more and of course he dont dare to tell others.
So, do you think he dare to disobey his wife?He will not dare to take the chance of loosing such an understanding and accommodating wife.
So, just encourage him to go om skirts/ dress or buy one for him.

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Lizzie October 5, 2010 at 1:48 pm

Hi,

I stumbled across this article while browsing the internet during a bout of sleeplessness and I’m hoping I can find advice or encouragement from other people who stumble across it. My fiancee finally admitted to me (after months of suspicion when I caught him with my clothing) that he likes wearing women’s clothing. It was a slight shock, I deal with a community where there are a lot of sexually confused individuals so I am not so floored by discovering a man in women’s garb. However, a year later, it’s getting to the degree where I’m reaching my end at tolerating it.

I love my husband-to-be, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and the thought of even taking a break to ‘recouperate’ makes my heart ache. I’m just not sure what I should do anymore, though. He can’t even have intercourse with me unless we’re BOTH decked out in fancy negligee. He’s even gone through my closet at home and claimed all of my old dresses from school dances years ago and insists on wearing those for our intimate moments. The straw that’s breaking the camel’s back, so to speak, is when he recently informed me that he wants to wear my wedding dress–my wedding dress!–during a future encounter. He gets hurt if I tell him no.

I’ve been afraid for awhile that it’s me, that he’s ‘just not in to me’. I’ve talked with him about it, but he doesn’t like to discuss it too much. He insists that it’s not me, however, but after any conversations concerning his cross-dressing he begins to call himself disgusting, and that he feels horrible for making me uncomfortable.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m lost. I can’t discuss the issue with him without hurting his feelings or making him feel like he’s done something wrong, yet I miss intimacy with a man.

Perhaps there’s something more that simple advice from others can’t fix, but I thought this would be a good place to begin. I thank anyone who has taken time to read this.

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mattie October 17, 2010 at 4:50 pm

Hi Lizzie,

I am sorry to hear about the trouble you are having with your relationship.

I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record here, but I can’t recommend seeking out a qualified counselor enough. There are experienced, non-judgmental counselors who can help you and your fiance find something that works for both of you, and help you answer some questions and work through these issues.

Without the input of a therapist in a private setting it’s difficult to offer advice. On one hand, there are many people out there (men and women) who find it easier to get ‘in the mood’ when they are wearing socks or bring some other items or clothing into the mix and maybe this is more about sex-therapy than transgender therapy. Certainly there are lots of people who enjoy role playing in the bedroom (or only ‘get in the mood’ when certain triggers are in place – many women are unable to get in the mood without certain things in place for example) – this is hardly ‘disgusting’. On the other hand your fiance may be dealing with gender identity issues that go beyond this and really require an honest look at his gender identity and are creating imbalance in your relationship.

Since your fiance uses words like ‘disgusting’ it really seems that he (and you too) could benefit from the input of a therapist with experience dealing with transgender individuals. Your fiance’s relationship with this side of himself sounds like it might be destructive and unhealthy and it might not need to be. There is nothing ‘disgusting’ about gender identity, or even about creative sex – but there are healthy and unhealthy expressions of both. If he’s confused or conflicted about his gender identity or sexuality it might be contributing to unhealthy or even destructive behavior that is having an affect on your relationship.

If he is transgender, then with the help of a qualified therapist he can start to come to terms with his gender identity and hopefully start not see it a negative thing – and this acceptance maybe will help him to find a gender expression that is both healthy and works for both of you.

Of course it’s also possible that this is just a “sex” thing, and that you both could benefit from a sex-therapist more than a gender therapist. It could be that it’s just about sex, and your fiance being more into role playing than you – and not deeper than that.

In either case, I can’t stress enough seeking out someone qualified to talk to (either a sex-therapist, or transgender therapist – some therapists have experience in both).

It’s so difficult to give advice without being able to have more details, and talk in person – and without being a qualified professional with experience working with many different people.

No matter what, you are right to seek out answers to your questions before you get married, and hopefully you have in your fiance a partner who is willing to work through this together, in an honest way. In the end, your relationship might end up much stronger – with each of you knowing both yourselves and each other better, or even if you decide to only stay friends, you may potentially be saving both of you (and children) much distress while at the same time having a close friend for life.

It’s good to ask and answer your questions now, and to try and understand both your needs, and your fiance’s needs in the most honest and informative way. A therapist can help.

X October 12, 2010 at 10:55 am

First of all, my fiance and I are 18, which makes me wonder if this is all just a hormonal phase… I know our age is a little young to be engaged but we are waiting years before our marriage, and have been together five years. Anyways, yesterday, he came out to me and told me he wants to dress up as a woman sometimes. This scared me, because deep down in my heart, I know if he changed completely into a woman, or even just constantly dressed like one, I don’t think I’d be able to stay with him. Which breaks my heart because we are so close. I truely love him with all my heart, but I have alot of needs, and I also know I would no longer be attracted to him, which would ruin our relationship. He said he wished he was born a girl, but does not aspire to be a girl. (how are they not the same thing?) We talked about it, and he said he only wants to dress as a woman, and he would do it rarely, and not if we had children. But then he proceeds to say that he thinks of doing this weekly… Which again, frightens me. He also told me he wants to make/buy fake breasts and a bra to wear with his feminine outfit. He said he wants me to take him bra shopping next weekend… Which really makes me wonder. He said he does not want the breasts attatched to his body, nor does he want a sex change. But I don’t see how that is possible if he wants breasts and a bra. My fiance is a very big, and has muscles. He is 6’2, and 245 pounds, I do not see how he will not look rediculous, and I do not understand why he is this way. I accept the fact he wants to cross dress, as long as it isnt frequently, but it would be too much for me if he would prefer to be a woman, or get a sex change. You have to understand that I am a woman who is into very masculine men, and this was a shock to me when he told me he wants to do this. I informed him that I accept him for who he is. I told him that if he wants to occasionally cross dress that is fine with me, but if it comes to a point where it is very frequent, or he decides he wants to completely change his gender, it would most likely ruin our relationship. He said I have nothing to worry about, that he would crossdress very rarely, and he would never get a sex change. But that brings me back to the fake breasts. If he only wishes to dress like a woman sometimes, why does he wish to have fake breasts? I am very confused and Distraught about all this, and I could really use some advice, please reply to this as soon as you can.

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mattie October 17, 2010 at 4:01 pm

Hi X,

Thank you for your comment, and I’m sorry to hear about the distress that has occurred because of your fiance coming out to you.

While there are many things that transgender people share in common, there are also many differences from person to person so it’s impossible to give you advice specific to your situation.

I would recommend that you both seek out a counselor who specializes in dealing with transgender issues. Just like you are confused about the implications of your fiance’s revelation, you should know that he also likely does not know exactly how he feels. When a person suppresses their gender identity their whole life it is very difficult for a person to suddenly open up and know exactly how they feel, or where they will end up.

In my opinion, for someone who is just coming out as transgender it is difficult to expect them to know exactly what their gender expression will look like, or if they will ever want to live as the other gender.

In my case, I started out not too different from your fiance, thinking (hoping) I was only a crossdresser and sort of ignoring the fact that deep down I really wished I had been born a girl because that felt more appropriate for me. In my mind being a crossdresser was easier to deal with, but now that I’ve come to accept myself I realize that I genuinely feel ‘transgender’. I’ve even started taking medication to lower my testosterone.

I don’t mean to suggest that your fiance is definitely going to want to transition to become a woman some day. Every person is different – it’s just that when you first come out there are a lot of confusing feelings and thoughts to deal with. On one hand I’m sure he doesn’t want to lose you, and on the other he has the need to be true to himself. It may seem easy to say “I’ll only cross dress once a month”, but depending on your fiance – this may not actually work over the long haul to help him deal with his gender identity issues. This being said, you should also know there are many men out there who simply like to cross dress, but have no desire to be a woman – they just like the feel of wearing women’s clothing but don’t necessarily wish they were born a woman.

You should know that it likely took a LOT of courage, and a HUGE amount of trust for your fiance to tell you about this aspect in his life. For me it was the single hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and it showed the level of trust, respect, and love I had for my girlfriend to tell her before we got married (or engaged). However, you also need to be true to yourself and make sure your questions are answered, and that you feel okay moving forward in the relationship. On one hand it’s a sign of a very mature relationship that your fiance and you can have this level of trust, to talk about issues so complex and scary (for many people) as this, on the other hand, it might have implications for how you each see your relationship working in the long haul.

In the end I’ll just reiterate that you really need to start working through this WITH A PROFESSIONAL who has experience working with transgender people. An experienced therapist will be able to help your fiance and you answer your questions, and give you more information about how to move forward in your relationship. Someone who is experienced with many different transgender issues will be able to help you and your fiance know if he is simply a ‘crossdresser’ or whether he truly is a girl inside a man’s body. You can then both decide if the answer is compatible with your relationship over the long haul.

No matter what, you have found yourself an honest friend and likely a good person, who trusts you and cares for you enough to include you on this part of him. I wish you both peace and happiness in your journey ahead.

Terra November 4, 2010 at 11:44 am

I have been dating my boyfriend for just about 4 years now. I stumbled upon a box shortly after we started dating containing women’s thongs, bras and other lingerie items. I also found [adult toys and pictures.]

I want to say that at first, like so many others, I was concerned with him being homosexual and having sex with men. It seems to not be the case although he has admitted to fantasizing about men dressed as woman.
You see, he doesn’t ever dress fully as a woman. It’s a sexual thing for him. He literally gets off being in woman’s lingerie and likes to pretend he has breasts. He never just dresses up and sits around the house. It always is at a time of sexual intimacy.

I love him. I would like to think I can accept something like this if it means we will be happier………he will be happier. We’ve recently decided to open up this fetish (I don’t know what else to call it when it’s for sexual pleasure) in the bedroom. I let him dress up in lingerie, I even use a dildo and other role playing toys with him. I actually, get turned on in some ways myself because of the taboo label I know it’s all been given. But afterwards, I can’t help feeling like maybe I’m not sexy anymore, I’m not the feminine role in this relationship. So now, “I’m” the one with the gender identity problem. I almost feel as though I can’t dress up in lingerie around him because he is not thinking about me being in lingerie………he’s thinking about what lingerie HE should wear.

Physically, I wouldn’t say I’m an attractive female. I think I have a pretty face and used to be somewhat, but I am overweight now and have problems wearing anything sexy. I feel, at times, that now that he is dressing sexy——-that I’m suppose to take on a male role in the bedroom. We have used strap-ons to role-play this and its now getting really confusing for me.

I have always been somewhat bi-curious so it doesn’t surprise me that I would be open to this crossdressing stuff in the bedroom. But I love the feeling of being with a man in a relationship. I love to feel like a woman and love to wear make-up and do my hair………it’s just all very weird for me right now. I know I’m probably rambling and not making much sense. I can’t really make sense in my head either. I sometimes like the sexual stimulation we both feel when he dresses up and I take on a dominant role in the bedroom, but afterwards- I don’t like how it seems to take away some of my own sexual identity. Maybe if I were prettier and thinner I could confidently be okay about all this………but I feel like he’s prettier and sexier in the bedroom and I can’t help feeling so inadequate.

Does any of this make any sense at all?? I know seeing a therapist would help, unfortunately I don’t have insurance and can’t afford it. I try to talk about this with my boyfriend, but it seems to not be important to him. He’s just so excited about this new thing we do in the bedroom now. I must admit, he’s more affectionate now, more loving and we don’t ever hardly argue anymore. I know I love him………he loves me. But what is going to make both of us happy?

My best friend was gay and died of AIDS in 2001. He was my very first boyfriend and I lost my virginity to him. He came out shortly afterwards and psychologically did a number on both of us. But in the end, I knew our friendship would always be close and we went to college together and even lived as roomates during that time. I met all his boyfriends and developed very close relationships with all of them. He was such a good friend and I was incredibly sad to see him pass. I took care of him on weekends, I visited him and did as much as I could to be a “friend” to him.

I guess the reason for telling you about my gay friend is to share with you some background as to why I might feel like my now boyfriend is gay or I’m gay for always seeming to pick guys with homesexual feelings- I don’t know. I love my boyfriend enough to want him to be whoever he needs to be. Gay, straight, transgender, transexual, bisexual, transvestite……….whatever the “label” society wants to give this. But, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of losing him, I’m afraid of him being gay and him dying of AIDS someday……..I’m afraid of me being whatever it is that makes men more feminine……….I’m just really screwed up. For those of you that actually read this, what I’m guessing to be, a thesis paper by now- thankyou for your time. I know that it’s more of a ramble then a thought out script so I’m hoping maybe one of you can make some sense of it- because I’m really at wits end here. I am really depressed even though I smile about it. I can’t talk about this with anyone…….not one person, not even him.

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mattie November 4, 2010 at 12:31 pm

Hi Terra,

Thanks so much for your comment. The things you are talking about are complex because it sounds like you’re describing some confusion about your boyfriend’s feelings and behavior, and are also struggling with your own feelings and maybe even acceptance of yourself.

It’s really difficult for me to give you any advice, and I agree when you say you could benefit from talking to a counselor about a lot of this.

The main thing I want to say is that you shouldn’t feel like you have nowhere to turn. If you can’t afford to talk to someone on an individual basis, there are typically several other options around to help people with depression and issues surrounding sexuality.

I don’t know where you live, but in my are there are groups that meet for free where typically there’s a facilitator and then a group of people (who are under no obligation to “share”) that talk about the things they are dealing with, body issues, transgender issues, marriage issues, all kinds of things. I know there’s still a bit of a negative stigma attached to this but finding the right group can save your life, save your relationship, and greatly improve your quality of life.

Also, there are many cities and towns that have counselors available one on one for a very low cost, or for free. In 2010 we have so many resources available to us if we will only look.

Lastly, there are discussion forums such as susans.org and crossdressers.com where you may be able to find other people in a discussion forum setting that may be able to give you helpful advice from their own experience.

In the end, don’t feel like you are alone, or don’t have access to finding the help you need to work through any of your own, and your boyfriend’s issues. You aren’t alone – there are so many people that experience depression for a whole wide variety of reasons, and many couples who also have issues that arise in the bedroom. There are people, groups, and discussion forums that deal with all these topics – and many people feel so much better when they find the right fit.

Don’t give up on yourself. You deserve to be happy and feel fulfilled in your relationship too. If you’re willing to put in a little time to connect with the right source of help, your and your boyfriends relationship and even sex life can improve. Or on the other hand you’ll know if there’s an incompatibility that prevents you from continuing the relationship.

I sincerely hope you are able to find fulfillment and happiness in your life and relationship.

Samantha August 23, 2011 at 12:43 pm

I’ve been poking around reading, and your comment stuck out to me, my fiance is similar to your boyfriend, he finds sexual pleasure in women’s clothing in general. I feel much the same way you do about the whole thing, and it has also raised some questions about myself. I’m sort of on the Bicurious side, i find some women attractive and some i dont, though i definitely prefer men. He has told me he has no desire to be a woman, he feels equally comfortable as a man, but he does have his days when he feels a bit uncomfortable in his skin. I’ve been blessed that he is understanding with me and the fact that i need time to accept it. My advice is to keep doing this research, I know it has helped me a lot, my fiance and i cannot afford counseling either, so for now the web is my resource.

Terra November 5, 2010 at 11:56 pm

Mattie-

Thanks so much for the quick response and the time you’ve given me by commenting. After writing in to this website, I felt like I was being dishonest with my boyfriend and I actually showed him what I wrote and what your response was. I’m not going to say that we solved everything in one night, but it certainly gave us a chance to talk a little more about it. To open the door maybe just a little. He actually started to understand that there were feelings that I had too and that this wasn’t all about him.

Believe me, it’s a very personal and very hard subject to talk about and some of the questions I asked, were never questions I thought I would be asking anyone. We talked about homosexuality and that he felt that was not what he was feeling. He felt a strong sexual desire to feel like a woman during intimacy but never thought of sharing that experience with another man. He, at this time, doesn’t feel the need to dress up fully as a woman with the use of wigs and make-up but did hesitate somewhat on his response- so I’m not ruling that out.

I told him that even if I’m not comfortable with everything, it’s important that he be as open and honest with me (more importantly to himself) about it. I told him that to supress his feelings for another 20 years would be damaging to him and that I loved him enough that even though it may mean losing him as a boyfriend, that I would help him and be someone he could confide in until he finds someone more appropriate who could give him more professional advice/guidance. Even though I know this would crush me on the inside.

He assured me that he loves me and that our relationship is what he wants. He felt sorry for me on how I perceive myself sexually and thought that maybe I would benefit with some counceling also. Because even though I don’t think I’m beautiful, he does and flaws and all- he loves the person inside. (this made me cry just a little, it was pretty overwhelming to hear).

One thing that he said that really hit me and made me really think about this in a whole new way was;
“This is me, the man who loves you…..and underneath the clothes and lingerie…….I’m still just a man who is making love to a woman”

Thank you to whoever started this website. Thankyou Mattie for being someone who listened to a complete stranger ramble on and somehow found the words to make me feel like I do exist, and my feelings were heard.

I know that this is something a lot of couples face. Although I am still confused, somewhat depressed and not sure where this is all going to lead us…………..I know that he loves me and I love him and all we truly want is to be happy within our own skin. I know that not all stories end without heartache. Some men and woman leave their spouses and partners to have gender reassignment and explore other relationships. But, I’m hoping that this will give some couples hope that there can be a compromise and an unexpected enjoyment for both people. It doesn’t have to be like the fairytales…….love isn’t always a Julia Roberts movie. But that doesn’t mean that it still can’t end with “and they lived happily ever after”
The End.

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D April 2, 2011 at 12:43 pm

I am also very confused. About a year and a half ago my husband of 18 years confessed that he was a crossdresser. I was completely shocked. I am not the most observant of people, and I had absolutely no idea, after 20 years together. We have 4 gorgeous children, the eldest of whom has since found out about his father’s proclivities (he walked in on his Dad in lingerie) – this was a very difficult time for us all.

I love my husband very much, and I have tried to respect his wishes. Crossdressing doesn’t seem too bad a vice after all! This is my logical response. Unfortunately, I also have an emotional response, and it is very different. As I love him so much, I can’t tell him how I feel without hurting him. At an emotional level, I personally feel that his crossdressing reduces his masculinity, and consequently I feel less of a woman. I always know when he is going out dressed as a girl, but I try my best to ignore it – all of it. The make up and lotions, the lingerie in the washing basket, the wigs and dresses that arrive mail delivery. We have always had an AMAZING sex life, but since his revelation I’ve found it much harder to enjoy sex.

I am struggling to work out how to live with this for the rest of my life. My husband has gone through some counselling, still mroe to come, and he says he thinks that he is a crossdresser, not transsexual, but I can’t help wondering…..what if, after further counselling, he changes his mind?

I have no idea how to reach out to anyone to make this picture clearer. Everything I’ve read on the subject seems biased towards the crossdresser, and away from the impact on his family. I really want to understand his CDing and my emotional response, so I can find a way to protect my family, but I really don’t feel that I know how to do this just now. Can anyone help? Please don’t direct me to a CD organisation – I don’t feel they have my family’s needs in mind.

Thank you.

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mattie April 3, 2011 at 11:19 am

Hi D,

First off, thank you so much for posting here. I’m so glad to see that you are reaching out for help, and that you are trying to figure this out for yourself and your family.

I’m not located in the UK, so it’s hard for me to recommend resources for you, but I can say that one of the best online support groups I’ve seen for significant others is actually a sub-community within the crossdressers.com community. Here’s a direct link to that Loves Ones Forum (you must register as a member of the site to access that forum, because it’s private, but it’s well worth it.)

Your response to your husband’s crossdressing isn’t an uncommon one, and it’s really inspiring that you love your husband enough to try and work through this. We have these ideas in society about what “men” should be. They should be strong, they should show limited emotions, their style of clothing should be muted compared to women, they should be our source of “strength” and the “rock” of the family, and they should be the primary breadwinners of the home; right? So it’s understandable if you go into a marriage thinking that your man is any or all of these things, and then that changes, that it might take time to adjust.

The thing is, when we talk about things in terms of what we expect from the other sex it becomes a bit more muddy when we construct a similar list about our ideas of what a “woman” should be. She should be deferential, and not express strong opinions, she should be emotional, and she should wear bright feminine clothing, she should be focused on raising the family and allow her husband to be the breadwinner; huh? It sounds a bit strange (even unfair) to categorize all women like this.

I wonder if the internet had been around in the late 1800′s when many women decided they had had enough with these extremely strict rules for their gender (and started wearing pants) if we’d have found men on sites like this talking about how they’d lost interest in their wives as a result. Or when women started entering the workforce, getting careers for themselves, education etc. I wonder if that took away from the idealized view that society had on women of the time? And I wonder how it affected relationships where gender roles were well established. The truth is that we probably would have indeed found that, and these conversations probably did happen in pubs and on male-only job sites during the time – these conversations probably still happen among some groups of men who are just turned off at the idea of an independent woman.

I don’t want to bring this up as a way to criticize how you feel about your husband and your marriage – because you thought you were getting one thing, and you got another. But these issues are also complex. In this case I understand the difficulty you face in adjustment, but if your husband was here posting saying that when he married you you used to wear makeup, and do your hair pretty, and wear skirts and cute dresses more often, and now he finds you wanting to wear pants, and not take care of yourself as much and that he’s lost interest in you sexually because you’re not the woman he married, and that you feel a little less “girly” to him and more “manly” to him as a result – I might tell him that he has an unrealistic idea about what femininity is, and that maybe he should look a little deeper into the reasons he loves you. Does he only love you for your clothes, and your ability to express yourself as a cute, submissive woman?

Why is there this double standard? I honestly don’t know. Do we have an unrealistic, even fantasized idea about what masculinity is? Maybe some of our men in society don’t entirely fit this artificially constructed role for them, just like many women don’t fit (and don’t maintain once they get older) the idealized feminine role?

If your husband is truly not participating in the family anymore (if he’s neglecting his role as a parent, or being abusive to you or your children) that’s another matter – and something I’m not even addressing here. But that wouldn’t really be a problem with “crossdressing” in my opinion, but more just irresponsibility. Crossdressing doesn’t make people irresponsible or bad parents.

In the end, I think you’re doing the right thing in trying to educate yourself, and work through this. Ignoring the issue can’t help you, it only pushes it further down the road, and may drive you further apart. If you can at all, I would strongly recommend looking into a therapist of your own who is experienced in gender identity issues. You need someone who can be on your side (I don’t mean be against your husband, but someone who can be there for you and whom you can trust to be honest with you).

I know this is hard, and it hasn’t been easy for my partner and I either. But I also know that love is a powerful thing, and that people can be made stronger, and relationships more healthy as a result of living authentically, and being willing to shed the strict roles pushed on us by others (parents, society, whatever) and just be our true selves. Only you and your husband can determine if ultimately you can stay together and also be true to yourselves.

jenowen July 11, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Full View Edit Draft crossdressing men
From: Dave Ozment Add to Contacts
To:

——————————————————————————–

My wife is away for the weekend,

and oddly the kids are elsewhere,

i am alone with her panties,

and just can’t resist their allure.

I’ve seen them so silken upon her,

with gentle pleading, they call for my touch.

i love her for more than her wardrobe,

though her panties entice me so much.

But simply they can’t leave the closet

at least with no blouse or a skirt,

and maybe some stockings or nylons,

and a wondrously soft undershirt.

Society says it’s not proper,

for men to be clothed in such frill,

but i don’t want to wallow in men’s dirty ways,

or bask in the stench of their swill.

Please ladies, please understand me,

You’re to be admired in every light,

God’s gift to men is what you really are,

but your clothing is stronger than might,

i want to feel clean and free from men’s will

but to do that i need to be like you.

Independently having a say so,

Free to make choices, but still

It is the only way, that i know to relate,

and to feel the acceptance it brings,

so i may slightly understand women,

and feel included in feminine things.

YES, I know its a bit of a turn off,

for you to think of me wearing tights

i don’t mean to infringe private female concerns,

but you won

when you fought for your rights,

With this shift in the balance of power,

what women were once forced to do

men will now do in submission to them

but truly are the clothes the issue?

The whole world is changing around us,

and every cartoon will suggest

that the more feminine man is the standard

and that he should be wearing the dress

Where once men had imposed their comforts

for selfishly carnal desires

‘twas their want of control and dominion

that proved they were mostly all liars

High heels were designed

with men in mind

for the discomfort felt in their stride

but women became so attractive in them ,

that lust was controlling men’s pride

So why do you ask would men do such a thing?

well, women just do things to men,

clothed in such delicate lovliness

that’s why we want to be more like them

We don’t mean to shirk our commitments

we love you with all of our hearts

but we’re just ashamed and we’re jealous

for we’ve noticed we’re missing some parts

Please do not look down upon us

with despising indignant disgrace

we just want to feel the embrace of your love

while we’re the ones dressed in the lace

If women wear pants in the family

We will yield to them the control

We just want the feminine comforts

That come with the redefined roles

We do not mean to insult you

But really when push comes to shove

We are merely withholding our weakness from you

For fear you’ll withdraw all your love.

Right now I am wearing your panties

and would love to be wearing much more

if only ‘twas (our) little secret

I don’t think I could ask for much more

if you could only try not to judge me

and permit this indulgent desire

there’s nothing I wouldn’t do

to bring pleasure to you.

Be it most anything you require

be it tight leash or a collar,

threat of being exposed,

or giving up fear of detection

i’d tell you the truth in a heartbeat.

To no longer fear your rejection

May I tell you the truth?

May I trust you?

In the hopes that you will not betray?

And tell all you know just to find out

What degrading things others might say?

All that I need I can find in you

For you are the love of my life

And if you want control

I will gladly swap roles

And willingly I’ll be the wife

That is why men dress like women,

And many men wouldn’t admit

To secretly loving your closets

For fear of your having a fit.

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Klushing Kelli August 3, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Some say that cross dressing is a lifestyle choice. For me it is a need. It gives me passion.

That said, the best advice I could give a wife/girlfriend/SO is to treat it like a hobby. Men’s passions run from fishing to bowling to biking to boating to bird watching.

If his hobby was skunk training, would you let him do it in the living room? If it is gambling, will you hand him the home equity card and tell him to have fun in Vegas? If it was mountain climbing, would you be ok with him going off every weekend to some far away peak?

On the other hand, a man without his passions is not a happy one.

So don’t worry some much about the hobby. Let him get dolled up one or two Saturday nights a month and send him off to the local gay bar. Gay men won’t want him, they like men. Gay women won’t want him, they like their girls with innies, not outies. But he will be relatively safe and respected.

Like all hobbies, they must come within the budget of shared funds, yes?

And hobbies should not take away from couples time, so make sure there is time with your man on your arm and you are out and about.

Actually, I grow a beard from just before Thanksgiving to Memorial Day and shave my legs when I have to during late spring and summer. The best of both worlds.

He would like you to participate. To help him with his feminine side? OK, Mom. Every daughter needs initiation. So on goes the bra, tank top and denim while we get this laundry, bathroom, stove and refrigerator all clean and if we get it done in time, well, lets look at that catalog of dresses/shoes/purses you wanted me to see. But he shouldn’t ask you for more, that’s for you to offer if you feel it.

Show him that the little things count. Tell him you have something he really is going to like and an hour later, give him a single rose.

This is not about you. Having a cross dresser about the house does not reflect on your gender orientation. This is all in fun.

Finding out if he/she wants to have surgery. Honest heart felt talk. How much has he though on this and for how long. You can buy nice breast forms. Breast implants look like oranges under the skin after a few years. Does he really want to sacrifice his johnson just so your clothes will fit better? Or is really something deeper and does he yearn to spend the remainer of your life as a woman, competing with other women for men and security, love and respect. If that is his deepest wish and he has though it out, it is time for the therapist and for you to decide.

If he is absolutely going to become a woman, search your heart for whatever lesbian feelings you may have.. yes you do. One, would Howard be the girl of your dreams, not likely. Two, well, could there be enough attraction for some sort of sex life? Or are you mostly past all that anyway. He prolly has no idea what the real problems of a single girl are. Do you want to stick around and pick up the piece.

No, he wants to be a woman, he needs to be a woman, and you have other ideas about who you might spend your life with… back on the market…. ok, figure out the divorce, but be generous as you can… he will need everything and lots of doctors bills to boot.

Otherwise, could he hand wash your blouse with his stuff tonight? and, no dead skunks in the house.

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JWest August 18, 2011 at 10:30 pm

YES!

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Kevin August 26, 2011 at 9:28 am

So much understanding here ! It’s awesome how everyone is supportive on this subject and others are so harsh ! These are beautiful post and continue with communication .

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jerry r.chastain September 5, 2011 at 10:04 pm

i have wanted to be female all my life.i,m 65years old now,and have 3 grown kids.i want to go as far as someone my age can go.but feel i,ll have settle with my cross dressing.because my health is not all that good.i,m seeing a doctor about my feelings,and how to deal with it.

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michelle September 10, 2011 at 1:05 pm

i love your article its the first time i smiled in a week.

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snotty September 10, 2011 at 9:16 pm

very nicely said. i am a want to be girl! Girls crossdress all the time. Mens boxers,shirts,ect. Im married,not gay!, love looking at dressed up girls, im not a mass murder or do anything really wrong. Ive been like this from when i first was able to full dress myself. I never go out dressed up. i look girly though. It’s very simply, we live one time,please live your dreams! some women love to have sex with husband,boyfriend full dressed up. rejection will distroy your comunication. We must eccept one another,and protect your love one dreams.

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Steve September 27, 2011 at 7:48 pm

From my point of view this is what I see and feel…

It seems some in society love to categorize and stereo type gender and personality. Since I was born anatomically as a male I’m expected to fit into a box of being male, wearing certain clothing, mannerisms, toys, etc… I’m expected to be attracted to the opposite gender.

And since there is much pressure to fit in I learned how to act this role for over fifty years. But this box ignores who I am as a person. It pressures me to bury part of who I am. This is not healthy. And so my feminine side comes out, despite my attempts to bury her over half my life, like my desire to wear clothing associated with the feminine.

I consider myself a two spirited person, expressing both feminine and masculine traits. My sexual orientation is toward the feminine, always has been. Which mean I’m not gay or homosexual as some might imply. My goal is not SRS, sexual reassignment surgery, because as I said, I’m two spirited. I still want to express my masculine side.

I have never been married. But I have seriously dated and told one woman my desires and secrets. This was before I came out. She wanted me as a male only which for me was a deal breaker. I just could not see myself in just the masculine role and feel happy. I knew this desire would not go away and so I broke it off.

And so as time pasted I decide to come out and be honest with who I am to the world. The big secret no longer had power over me as I faced my fears of what society might think and do to me. But like many fears they were overly inflated as I dressed in public. I just held my head up and smiled with confidence. It was amazing. I came out to family and friends and all were supportive and met with many smiles.

Many still don’t understand and I don’t blame them. It has been a growing process for myself. I can’t explain it all either. But this has been something I had to do to be honest.

So I now dress in a mixture of feminine and masculine clothing. I currently don’t wear makeup or try to hide from the world that I’m male. Makeup is an art that I have not mastered. But I do feel I should have the freedom to wear makeup or any feminine clothing. I refuse to hide my desire to express my feminine side.

What I want is society to accept me and let me be who I am. I don’t want to be forced to live as only a female or male. Don’t put me in another box or stereo type me. I want to express both sides of my self and be a contributing member of society.

But I do hope one day that I will find that special someone who I can give my heart to, to be my best friend. That day has not come and I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of commitment. But of us ever was?

I have lived alone all my life and I do like that freedom. But now those I meet will see the real me. Now I feel more honest and open. What better foundation for a friendship… and perhaps… something more.

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Chrissy September 29, 2011 at 12:15 pm

I just told my girlfriend of 6months about my gender feelings. I have felt like a girl since I was very young, and have always enjoyed drees-up. I feel sexy and beautiful as a girl, more so than I do as a man.

I had never told anyone, not even close family, about my secret until her. I feel like I will spend my life with her. She is very understanding and willing to listen and try to accept me for who I am.

I really related to what Mattie said about 3rd gender and I feel like that would be anough for me to be happy, just to be a girl sometimes with my girlfriend, away from societies often harsh standards for grouping… (except for on Halloween) .

I don’t want to ignore her needs or be any less of her strong boyfriend. BUT ive hidden these strong feelings away for 10 years or more and now all I want to do is be a girl all of the time. but perhaps my eyes are bigger than my belly. I feel like I will reach a balace of how much I want to be a girl once I’ve gotten to act out more.

My question is: How can I incorporate this new asspect of my life brought to light, with my girlfriend so that she will not feel like she’s losing part of me that she knew but instead gaining the whole truth I’ve never told?

Btw Thanks for all of these comments, they’ve helped. :)

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Serah September 29, 2011 at 11:34 pm

My husband blamed me for many years for his cross-dressing, saying that he was highly sexual and if I were more interested in sex, he wouldn’t want to dress up. I believed that to be true until I spent a lot of time in counseling . There I realized that we can’t depend on our partners to make us happy; we each have to take responsibility for our own happiness.
After couples therapy, he stopped blaming me. However, I need to add that neither of us ever talked about his cross-dressing in any counseling session.
For a long while, we’ve incorporated his wearing lingerie into our love-making. But now he’s frustrated and acts bitterly towards me because I don’t like acting out his fantasy. He loves to play-act that he’s a weak male and that I’m forcing him to be female and dress up and have sex with me. He needs this routine in order to get aroused. It makes me sad to treat him badly, even if we’re pretending.
To me, this routine shows that he isn’t at peace with his sexuality. I don’t think cross-dressing is the issue, it’s more about self-acceptance. But he says it’s just a fantasy, nothing more.
Can other readers offer some insight into our situation?

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Brandy October 10, 2011 at 9:23 am

Here goes: all my life I have felt different, uncomfortable with my body and the pretense that I am male. I don’t cross-dress per se although I do wear woman’s jeans and (unisex) tops and will under-dress from time to time. I have spent the last 50 years trying to fit in as a “real” man, I’m married and we have 5 children but I have never truly been happy as a man. A few months ago I came out to my wife, this after years of trying to come to terms with my gender identity, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for my wife. After 33 years of marriage her husband announces that he is really a she. I sought counselling and researched GID (gender identity disorder) read countless articles and real life stories, I had to be sure, it’s a big step to transition into another gender. Once I was sure for myself I needed to tell my wife and kids only then could I begin the process of transitioning.
Still I worry about how my choice will affect my family specially my wife. She does not want to talk about it, perhaps she is just trying to wrap her head around this bomb shell, after all it took me over 50 years.

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Barry October 18, 2011 at 11:27 pm

What an interesting forum. One thing I have noticed in reading, and that is, how much the men who cross dress or who feel transgendered really do love women. It’s almost as if some of them have ‘over related’ to them at such an early age that to some extent the ‘girl within has elbowed the boy out of the driving seat’ I was also interested in the comment about the shift in womens gender projection during the early part of the 20th century and the way it must have affected men. I hadn’t thought about it but I can see it now. Speaking personally, although I have not the slightest wish to cross dress and I’m very happy being a boy, I have been told that I have an obvious female side, according to my brother anyway, and strangely, it has been my girlfriend that has wanted to try out ‘other’ bedroom roles. It doesn’t bother me, I can get into it ok, but I do find it funny that here am I obviously a bit soft and not interested , yet on this site there are some very masculine men bursting to do it. The next time I wear stockings in bed I will think of them (eat your heart out)

I hope that as the new century moves forward, how we dress will become less and less important so that in the end we just look at the person, not the apparel. When that time arrives we will be quite happy with pretty boys manly girls and those in the middle, and the need for websites like this, good as they are, will be no more because we all accept each other.

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rebecca October 23, 2011 at 1:51 pm

dont really know where to start i have been with my boyfriend for 6 years we have a child together. My partner is 30 years old and over the past few months he has started whereing my corsets and stockings and stuff we do have a wild sex life but other day caught him buying shoes for him self and a male corset i was worried we have spoke sort of i said i do not wear ur clothes so please dont wear mine but i didnt mean for him to buy his own i am 100% sure he is not gay and he does love me he said he has all ways been curious about things but never felt comfortable sharing it with someone it is nice he trusts me and feels comfortable and stuff but him dressing up in corsets and stuff does nothing for me in the bedroom and he knows that i dont know where its going to end first it was sex toys i could use on him then him wearing my corsets and now he is buying his own whats next really and where does it all end dont really know what to do or think or say am i alone

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Barry October 30, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Rebeca

I think I know how you must feel. Your situation is the reverse of mine in a way, you are a woman having to go along with your husbands cross dressing whilst I, as a man am having to go along with my girlfriends previously unknown fetish which effectively reverses our bedroom roles completely, or at least I feel it does.. I’m honestly ok with things, but like you, I do sometimes wonder ‘what does this say about me?’

For the sake of your child I would suggest you run with this for as long as you can. You say that the sex is wild, well that’s a very big plus and in a way, what he’s doing is a form of loving you, in that he wants to get inside your clothes and enjoy you vicariously so to speak, quite a compliment if you can see it that way. Contrast this to my situation (see above) where I am, in a sense, becoming the object of the fetish. I think your problem is much more manageable. I would find it much less threatening if my girlfriend wanted to dress up in lorry drivers trousers, although it would be a bit odd, rather than the present situation where I am putting stockings on just to keep the party lively. Life’s an adventure and if you can keep a sense of proportion and perhaps smile to secretly reassure yourself, it oils the wheels. I do hope things go well for you.

Barry

amber October 26, 2011 at 10:29 am

Well my fiance of almost 4 years that has given me 3 beautiful children just told me last week he wants to start taking female hormones. He says he does not want to be female but I’m not sure I believe him. he has always worn my undies and clothes and I was understanding of that. But when he sprung this on me I do not think I handled it well. First I asked him if he is gay. Of course I know he isnt… but it was all I could think of. Then he asked if I would stay with him and be understanding. I told him I’m not sure if I could……. I told him if I had wanted to be with a female… I would have dated a female. He asked if I would allow him to try it out for a while. He told me I can talk to him about how I feel and ask any questions. But I dont even know what to say. I do not know where he got his information but he told me if he tries it for a while and we dont like it he can stop taking the hormones and go back to normal… is this true? Any input or words of wisdom?

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rebecca November 9, 2011 at 9:42 am

Barry
I can kind of see it from your point of view it is sort of a compliment to me and i can go along with it all to a point because i love him my only hope is that our son never finds out well not until hes an adult and can understand it all.
and compared to most people on this site i do think i have it quiet easy.
thank you Barry for all your help xx

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Barry November 10, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Hi Rebecca.
It’s was nice to hear from you and to know, that to some extent, you can see things in the way I suggested. I do agree that you should keep this absolutely secret from your young son and your husband must be made to understand this also. I know that some people will disagree with me, but I believe a great many of these problems creep into our brains as we go through life, rather like computers get corrupted, and some people are more susceptible than others. Perhaps men are more susceptible than women, I don’t know, although some women develop problems, thats for sure. Sexuality is very fluid. Never the less your understanding, rightly, has limits, and your son needs as good a start as he can get. In a sense, he must come first.

When you say ‘ I can go along with it because I love him’ I think that is a wonderful thing to say. Not all wives would be like that and not all husbands are particularly understanding of their wives problems either. I find myself thinking what a lucky guy he is. I hope he jolly well appreciates it.

We’ve reached a compromise at our house. I was, I think becoming just a little depressed and finding it difficult to perform, so we had a talk, and the result is, that we do it her way three times, and then my way three times where I can feel like a proper man again. It works quite well, for now anyway. Would something like this work for you? Maybe, if he could still be the boy you married a part of the time (he still is the boy you married really, underneath) then you could play it his way for part of the time. It might help.

Anyway,I won’t pester you further, and please don’t feel you have to reply out of any sense of courtesy, although I’m always pleased to hear from you. It’s funny but, some of us seem to have to put a lot more into relationships than others,thats life I suppose.

Keep cheerful

Barry

mikaela November 17, 2011 at 1:38 am

I have read all the postings to date, and I understand the confusion of the females parties involved because I stepped out of the closet to my last girlfriend and she curled up in a ball on the floor saying, “I am suppose to be the woman!”, because when I do this I dressed up completely, and then presented myself to her.

In my situation, I started dressing up when I was at home by myself when I was young because I was not allowed to have things when I was young. Just the rules of my parents and how they were raised. My dressing up started out of boredom and not having anything to do. But this did, and I could keep it to myself, and that is where most of your are. The males are discovered by accident, for the lack of a better word. This is regardless of what started this habit, or it’s underlying cause. The females in this matter are shocked because they were all raised to understand the traditional role of husband and wife, even thought modern culture has pushed the norm of acceptance to what is allow in society. If you step outside of this norm you are considered weird, gay, abnormal, odd or a black sheep, and even down to the point of “just not right”. We all go thorough a discovery phase in our life’s and whether we admit it or not we pickup habits from what we see, hear or are exposed to.

This also includes the fact that this type of behavior can be found in just about every culture that was existed on this planet, at one time or another. So you might say that this behavior has been cultivate into our society, so it very doubtful that it will every go away.

Some of you seem concerned with the hormone and breast. I, myself have a wonderful pair of breast and would get them removed for anything. I enjoy being feminine, but that is my choice, and I do not burden anyone else with it.

Let just say that if this continues and you both chose to stay together that you both will have to accept it. This habit is very hard to ignore. I have tried, I have thrown thousand of dollars worth of things, attire away only to start buying the same over again about two weeks later. I did this seven times before I finally quit and accepted myself and my life for what it is.

I this helps.

mikaela

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Nicole November 29, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Hello, I know this is not exactly the same, but I felt like I needed to say something… to someone.
I am 19, a girl and have always been a tomboy. I’ve been with my Boyfriend for 4 years and we are ever so happy together. We like the same things and we’re at university together. He knows I’ve never been a very “girly” girl and he likes that. He says he wouldn’t want to date a girly girl.
But recently I’ve been feeling something stronger than that. I’ve always thought about being a boy, and have pretended I was a boy, sometimes in private, sometimes with my boyfriend/friends, but i’ve never actually told anyone that I wish I was born a boy. I am only attracted to men, but I feel that I would be much more comftable as a gay man, than as a straight woman.
However, I do NOT feel like a boy who has been stuck inside a girls body all this time… I just feel like I would be SO much more happy if I were a boy.
Most people on here have said “i’ve always from an early age though myself a girl/boy etc” but I’ve only developed such strong feelings about it recently. I’ve always liked to pretend I was a boy, but I never thought about actually changing into one!
Does this make me transgender? If I don’t feel like im trapped, but I would just prefer the be the other sex, but as it stands I am straight but would love to be a gay man?
Thanks in advance x

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Barry March 16, 2012 at 7:08 pm

I think sexuality is a very fluid thing. What interests you at ten isn’t always the same thing that interests you at twenty. This is why I am very cautious about saying ‘so and so is gay’ or ‘ this chaps a womaniser’ because we do change, particularly over a long life.Even some people who think they’re transgender may not think that in twenty years time.

I think, if as you describe, you have always been interested in boy’s and don’t appear to have gone through a homosexual stage in your very early years, then it’s probably quiet natural for you to be obsessed to the point of thinking how nice it would be to be a boy and this feeling has grown as you have entered adult life .At the same time I think you can see that a sex change is not the answer in your case, you know you are a girl but your love for boys makes you almost want to get inside one as it were. Your not transgender, you’re a tom-boy and they are a breed apart, believe me I’ve seen many of them and their interest in boys makes them very devoted and interested lovers. It’s not all that far different from wanting to be like your favourite fictional character really, but it is of course a long way from reality.

I would relieve the situation by being boyish in your ways, as indeed you say you are. There are many men that like boyish women and others who love a little ambiguity so you will always be popular. In truth most people are more than a little bit of both sexes anyway. I remember a friend of mine in the theatre world who was gay, he didn’t look it but he didn’t hide the fact from people if they were curious. He always said that his ideal person would be a boy with breasts like a girls. So there you see yet another flavour of human sexuality and in this case one that you might be said to be just made for. Interestingly, he could not stand for the boy to disappear into girly-ness, in his own words ‘ I must still be able to see the boy’.

I have met many girls like you, and like your boyfriend I like them and I have enjoyed some high old times with them, they are very exciting. Don’t hide yourself, your special, I like the sound of you good luck.

Michele December 14, 2011 at 4:23 am

Nicole,

Please understand, those who call themselves transgender, TG or whatever, are for the most part men who have absolutelty no desires of transitioning, they don’t want to have surgery and most of all, they certainly don’t want to lose their male libido.
Transsexual, and transgender are not one and the same although many TGs would likely tell you they were the same or that they are TS, I can assure you they are not. It’s a turn on for TV’s and most CD’s, they play dress up games, go out to fantasia whatever dressed en femme (sigh), in girly mode only to return very soon to drab, lol
To me, it’s not appealing and I’m so very not pro-TG, as you might have already figured out.
Your answer? It’s buried somewhere within this reply. You only need to figure out where you – as a person, see yourself on the spectrum. On one end is the TG, AKA role play gamer, cross dresser, dreamer. On the other is TS, typically but not always someone who puts it all on the line, is willing to risk all they have – family, friends, careers, and much more, spends oh so very much hard earned money, and for what reason? To live an authentic life, to feel as one with themselves. And other reasons to but you get the idea, I’m sure.
On a side note, maybe, just maybe some of you can understand that the last thing someone needs after having suffered for so long and gave up so much would want is to see some wannabee walking around with their tri-ess girlie friends – not fooling anyone, guys. You see, the general public see you, and that’s the picture that stays imbedded forever. They hear of a TS, or read of TS’s, and think of the girlie guys playing dress up.

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Davina December 15, 2011 at 6:25 am

There has always been this misconception that a man who likes to wear womens clothing MUST either be GAY or a transvestite. SO wrong. I am a cross dresser, and I get enjoyment out of wearing silky and sensuous clothes and having sexual pleasure whilst wearing them. That’s all there is to it. I have no wish to be a woman or to dress full time.
I am fortunate in that my wife knows, understands, and is supportive of my habit. We just consider it a hobby, and you girls who have some weird ideas about why men dress like this really have no idea. Don’t knock something you know nothing about, and have never tried.

Who’s to say what’s normal and not normal anyway? It’s a matter for individuals, and in private.
Our sex life is fantastic, we have no inhibitions about getting dressed up in matching satin or silk gowns, dresses or skirts and blouses, or long silky nightwear, and experiencing amazing feelings.
You ladies are SO lucky, you have a choice of materials and clothing that are lovely to feel, wear and chill out in. Don’t think that silks and satins don’t turn us men on. They most certainly do!
Before I married I met 2 ladies in Cornwall, who agreed to me buying some of their unwanted Size 18 clothing. Both were so turned on, helping me to dress up, that we ended up in bed. We only touched, fondled and kissed, but the electricity that flowed between us was absolutely incredible. I returned many many times, and one is still a great friend.

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Still-struggling March 21, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Hi Davina,

I’m not sure if you still visit this site? I would love to be able to talk more about this with you as you are the first cross dresser to make a comment that doesn’t involve mulling over their confused gender identity and how they just want to be more in touch with the girl inside (I swear all the crossdressers on these forums are transexuals)

In fact, what you described is exactly how my husband has been explaining his harmless monthly hobby ( sexually driven as well), however, thanks to the countless supposedly helpful crossdressing forums out there who are clearly a sounding board for the very vocal gender confused, I have been utterly convinced my husband’s hobby will eventually lead to transition! I even read a thread on Crossdressers.com, written by a man in the middle of transition, that stated ALL crossdressers are essentially women in men’s bodies. The responses from most seemed to coroborate this statement. Apparently, those who just enjoy the clothing are hiding some deep seated fear of transitioning.

Personally, I find these forums depressing and I have often wondered if my husband is lying to me that it’s just harmless fun, nothing more. And then read your comment and I’m starting to think there are plenty of men crossdressing for nothing more than fun and enjoyment, but the loud transgendered minority are scaring them away. I know I’m mildly afraid reading some of the comments on these sites. I don’t actually understand why these men frequent a crossdressing website that I would assume is about the fun and joy of dressing. Why are they not discussing their gender confusion on a transsexual forum where wives of actual crossdressers won’t get frightened away??

Anyway, that’s a debate for the community I suppose. The wives/partners just get tangled in the middle of all this conflicting information. I’m just grateful to read my husband is not lying, he’s not confused, and perhaps now I can enjoy this side of him a little more.

So thank you!

Courtney January 5, 2012 at 6:34 am

After reading through all of these comments and story’s I am glad to know that I’m not alone. My boyfriend told me three months into our relationship that he enjoyed anal. I was very open minded and told him that it wasn’t that big of a deal to me. I even went out and bought a strap on so I could give him his fantasy. He enjoys watching tranny porn which I was also open minded with, I even tried to watch it with him but it did nothing for me. However yesterday I was looking through his browser history and I came across some sites that he was looking at, he was looking up information on steps to become a tranny, not a full on transexual but he wants to look more like a woman and still have a penis. I was very shocked and I immediately got out of the internet and gave him back his phone. But, I forgot to go back to the page he was on so when he went to get on the internet he saw what I had seen. I did not know what to say or what to do we both went to bed hurt and upset. Today we tried to talk about it but I’m not sure what to do. I love him with all of my heart and I don’t want to lose him. But at the same time I don’t want to hold him back from him being himself. If he decides that this is really something he wants I’m not sure I could be accepting and stay with him because I want a man, I want a family. I don’t know what to do and I am hoping that I will be able to get some more insight. Maybe if someone is married or dating someone in a similar situation to what I am in.

(I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone by using the word tranny, atm it’s all I know.)

-Courtney

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avalana January 26, 2012 at 10:35 pm

jeez , i never thought i was gay, even though i wear panties,bras, and whatever on top of that! like it seems most girls do, that is, put the underwear on ,and then dress comfortably,sometimes jeans, sometime skirts or dresses, i ALWAYS feel better in size 6 clothes…always have, and more than likely i always shall! so then, to quote an old article, over bra and panties ,what?

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Krisi February 13, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I found girls panties in my boyfriends apartment about 6 months ago. I freaked out because I only found one pair and thought he was cheating on me. After I confronted him, he told me that he enjoys wearing girls underwear and showed me his drawer full of panties. I was shocked because we had been together for over a year and I had never even suspected it at all. He told me he was planning on stopping anyway because he just uses it as a crutch when we get depressed, it makes me feel better. Well, after moving in with him, I realized he had never gotten rid of the underwear and that the collection had grown and now had several pairs of tights. I let it go, because if he wants to wear girls underwear, it doesn’t bother me. I like girls underwear too, it makes me feel sexy. I thought maybe that is all he needs. About a week ago, I was going through our internet search history trying to find this recipe I had come across, when I discovered all these transgender and cross dressing sites. I even found out he has a blog about wanting to be a girl. I just feel like now we have been together 2 years and I know I want to be with him, but I want to be with HIM and not HER. I know that it is selfish and who am I to judge a person, but I am very much attracted to the male him. I find that person to be sexy. I can totally still have sex with him even when I have to take girls panties off of him now instead of his boxers, but I just feel left out. I feel like he has this whole secret identity and he promised he wouldn’t hide anything again, but he did. He swears he doesn’t want to become a female, and that he loves being with girls, and loves being with me. I am just scared that he is at the beginning of this journey and he might change his mind and want to become female, and I will either be stuck living a life I didn’t choose to live, or I will be alone without the only person I have ever connected to this much. I am sure this is very scary for him, but he is taking it like it isn’t a big deal. For me, it feels like a very big deal. I want a family and I want to get married and I don’t want to have a secret life that no one knows about. I have no one to talk to about this and that is probably the scariest part of all. I know I probably sound selfish, but I didn’t see this coming. I do love him. I would have loved him if he was born a female. Why am I finding difficulty in this when it isn’t even really my struggle? Is it okay to be mad? Is it okay that I feel hurt and neglected? Or am I being too selfish?

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Margaret February 13, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I found girls panties in my boyfriends apartment about 6 months ago. I freaked out because I only found one pair and thought he was cheating on me. After I confronted him, he told me that he enjoys wearing girls underwear and showed me his drawer full of panties. I was shocked because we had been together for over a year and I had never even suspected it at all. He told me he was planning on stopping anyway because he just uses it as a crutch when we get depressed, it makes me feel better. Well, after moving in with him, I realized he had never gotten rid of the underwear and that the collection had grown and now had several pairs of tights. I let it go, because if he wants to wear girls underwear, it doesn’t bother me. I like girls underwear too, it makes me feel sexy. I thought maybe that is all he needs. About a week ago, I was going through our internet search history trying to find this recipe I had come across, when I discovered all these transgender and cross dressing sites. I even found out he has a blog about wanting to be a girl. I just feel like now we have been together 2 years and I know I want to be with him, but I want to be with HIM and not HER. I know that it is selfish and who am I to judge a person, but I am very much attracted to the male him. I find that person to be sexy. I can totally still have sex with him even when I have to take girls panties off of him now instead of his boxers, but I just feel left out. I feel like he has this whole secret identity and he promised he wouldn’t hide anything again, but he did. He swears he doesn’t want to become a female, and that he loves being with girls, and loves being with me. I am just scared that he is at the beginning of this journey and he might change his mind and want to become female, and I will either be stuck living a life I didn’t choose to live, or I will be alone without the only person I have ever connected to this much. I am sure this is very scary for him, but he is taking it like it isn’t a big deal. For me, it feels like a very big deal. I want a family and I want to get married and I don’t want to have a secret life that no one knows about. I have no one to talk to about this and that is probably the scariest part of all. I know I probably sound selfish, but I didn’t see this coming. I do love him. I would have loved him if he was born a female. Why am I finding difficulty in this when it isn’t even really my struggle? Is it okay to be mad? Is it okay that I feel hurt and neglected? Or am I being too selfish?

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Christy February 24, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Margaret,
Yes, it’s ok for you to feel mad and hurt and neglected. It’s not selfishness – it’s honesty. This is scary for you. You have certain expectations about your relationship and how your life will unfold, and your boyfriend’s desires and needs are disrupting all of that. You want to be supportive of his journey, but you also want some acknowledgment that his journey impacts you! And you want him to be honest, which may be very hard for him.

I felt compelled to respond to your post because you seemed to be crying out for someone to hear you and to acknowledge that this is really difficult for you.

Do you think you could share your feelings with him? Would he be able to hear you? Might you two together talk to a counselor?

Sarai February 16, 2012 at 12:51 pm

My husband is also a crossdresser. I don’t mind at all. I can easily imagine him as a woman and loving him the same. He’s very convincing. However, he very much enjoys possessing male assests. Our issue is he wants to be able to be himself all the time – in other words, crossdress in public. As convincing as he is, I don’t think he’s convincing enough to do what he loves in public where I know many people in our community. The fact that he cannot do this depresses him. I want him to be happy! I’m very lost and torn.

Please help me brainstorm so that my husband can be himself. Thank you very much for your blog, it feels better to relate to someone on this issue.

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Susan February 18, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Being a cross dresser for over 45 years, has been a difficult time for me, and my immediate family. My wife was on again, off again, all depending on the circumstances of the day. My children never knew until they were adults, I did not want to impose my life style on them as they grew up through their informative years and possibly intefer with their development as human beings, in order to be able to view the world under normal circumstances or as normal as one can view this world, with healthy normal values.
The wife and I did enjoy a world of great sex, with me being the woman, but she was the benifactor of the sexual encounters for my position was to please her as any wife should do to her husband, my fantasy ( being the woman and doing all that a woman does to satisfy her husband) Unfortunately her attitude was lets keep it to the bedroom and refused to accept me as a woman in our daily lives, with me being the woman of the house, cleaning washing , and doing the domestic chores. I was rejected during our daily lives in the home, a constant contention between us. I have never gone out side the house looking like or pretending to look like a woman, Haing this infliction is not something I’m proud of and have never let the out side world who I really want to be, when in puplic I’m all man, but when I’m home I am all woman, and I have not been able to shake this delemia.
I relate this cross dressing issue to my past and how I was raised as a child, I grew up in a family exposed to only female connections, sisters mother aunts, and in my early years I was a very sick individual with a heart problems, so I was pampered and hovered over my the female influence, my father was never around do to his job, but when he was prsent he was not favourable towards me and his daughters could do no wrong, me I was a complete failer in his eyes. It is the only realization I can come up with that I turned to wanting to be a woman instead of a man. A chicken shit way out I guess, but one that allows me the peace of mind, not to feel guilty , that’s my therory and I’m sticking to it.
I didn’t start cross dressing until I was 32 years old , not until I married my wife and after two years of marriage I came out to her, a very bumby road indeed. I came out to her for I felt very comfortable with her. Up until that time I did not even know I felt this way about wanting to dress and feel like a woman, guess I trusted her so much and felt a sense of safty towards her. She always accused me of marring her and not telling her before hand I liked cross dressing , I honestly didn’t know I was like this, but she had trouble believing me.
But it is the honest God truth I didn’t know or even thought of this area of me until the time I did come forth with my life change.
We have since divorsed but not because of my cross dressing but for other reasons which destroyed our family, we as a family experienced two family suisides, that completely destroyed our world, as we knew it. We didn’t make it past those disasters and have parted ways.
Since then we have become very good friends and now my X buys me all kinds of lingerie and likes to see me dressed in the frillys, yet when we were together 34 years she never once bought me any thing pretaining to my dressing habits, or ever really accepted my life form of desire.
I know I will die as a lonely old spinster for I have never been taken sexually as a woman, with a dildo enterence to my male virginity. God does work in mysterious ways.
It would be nice to find a woman who can accept me for what I am and use me like a hiusband uses a wife, I would be a devoted partner for sure.
Susan

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J March 17, 2012 at 2:15 am

:(
I might not get any reply from this but I just had to write down my thoughts, or i’ll go nuts…

I know I should remain calm and all but this is something too…strange for me.

I’ve known this guy for a long while and I was falling for him. He’s awesome, I like everything about him. But only a short while after asking me to be my boyfriend…he told me about the “secret”.

Yesterday he told me he’s a cross dresser and he’s been doing it since he’s 10 years old.

I didn’t really know how to react, I just cried. I don’t even know why. I’m just all confused. He tried all the ways to tell me he’s not gay. I believed that. But I just don’t understand why he’s not gay AND he wants to dress like a girl. He has even more dresses than I do, and wigs, and all those stuff. I was just shocked. My brain is killing me coz it can’t explain WHY would he wanna do it… He told me he felt good about himself when dressing up as a woman, yet he’s not interested in man.

I’d be much more comfortable IF he was gay, really. I’d rather go with the fact that he’s completely gay and not interested in women. BUT HE’S NOT. I guess I just got mind-fucked. I’m just upset and I don’t know what to do. It was all good until he told me about this….

I don’t think he’s gay. And that’s what been messing with my logic. The fact that I can’t explain this myself is making me soooo confused. Half of me is telling to calm down and keep it possitive but the other half is just making me upset and worried and confused……

I need help….

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mattie March 17, 2012 at 3:18 am

Hi J,

Sexual orientation and gender identity are different (otherwise every tomboy you knew would be a lesbian, and you know that’s not the case.)

Keep in mind that there are strong expectations placed on men to behave in certain ways that are not placed on women (there are different unfair expectations placed on women though).

Just because a girl may like to play in the dirt, and get a job outside the house (instead of being a home maker) doesn’t make her a man or lesbian. And just because a man likes dresses doesn’t make him a woman. It’s the double standard that makes your head hurt. :)

Society says: for a woman to aspire to that which society says is masculine is desirable (to attain education and business success) and even sexy (if she puts on his boxers) for it elevates her, for a man to aspire to that which society says is feminine is undesirable (to cook, and clean, and be submissive) and perverse (if he puts on her panties) for it is demeaning for him.

Why is the pursuit of masculinity elevating, and the pursuit of femininity devaluing?

When this is resolved for you, there will be no more sorrow – for you’ll see that there’s no real loss – for we will all be truly equal in your mind.

Cody March 18, 2012 at 9:25 am

I think the important thing here, is an understanding of the male psyche. It really is the clue to all this and males are very different to females in this respect. I’m largely gay, I have a heterosexual side and I have a girl friend but my dominant aspect is gay. Now, for the most part you will not find 100% gay boys wanting to dress up in girls clothing. They have no interest in girls. They may ‘drag up’ at a party for fun but the motivation is not the same. Men and boys are very tactile, what they like, particularly sexually, they like obsessively and the stronger the sex drive the stronger the obsession. They want everything to do with the object of their desire, and this is where the tactile bit comes in. Taking the heterosexual cross-dresser as an example, ( although the principals the same for any male really ), their mind tends to work this way, ‘women dress in undies, stockings skirts etc, women are what I want and must have, and thinking about these things excites me and makes me feel good because they dress in them, if I dress in them too I can double my excitement by feeling the material and fantasising about them at the same time. This is particularly true for the men who have no other outlet, in other words no sex partner.

That, rather over simplified, lies at the foundation of this peculiarly male fetish. The saddest part of it all is, that what ‘we’ are doing here is really a tremendous compliment to the object of our desires and fantasy’s but women get upset by it. If I could share with you a small secret from my very young days, I had visited an older friend and as I was getting dressed he said to me ‘Give me those ‘, at first I didn’t know what he meant and then he said ‘Your underpants I have a collection of them ‘. So you see, there is the same thing working from the gay side. I knew what he wanted them for because I too have a male mind so it did not upset me. He wasn’t trying to be a boy again he just wanted them to ‘get off on’.

Try not to blow this thing up into a major problem, I’m certain that your boyfriend will not change sex on you, it’s just we men are highly charged , sex means a lot to us in all it’s forms and we often live in a fantasy world of our own, not least because you ladies are so difficult to persuade ‘into our parlour’ to paraphrase the spider and the fly.

Good luck, have fun and cheer up, you’ll both be ok.

Jules March 20, 2012 at 10:52 am

This has all been so helpful. But i still feel the need to tell my story in the hope someone will reply and help me calm down.

A little over a month ago i started dating a very sexy, very blokey man. I met over the net and had fallen for him quite a bit before we met. He’s Into his football, swears, skin head etc etc. But on our first date he told me he likes to dress up as a lady once in a while. Say once a month? He has TV/CD mates that go out to clubs once in a while ect ect. But he doesn’t try to look like a lady (although he does a good job of it) he tells me “we all look like blokes in dresses lol” and that all of his mates are straight and have gf or wives.

This broke me and is becoming more and more of an issue in my head. He tells me he is not gay, but he did have a 6 month relationship with a TV. And had a who phase of liking trannys. And although he tells me it was something he felt he needed to try to see if he was indeed gay, i can’t get the worry out of my head that he may one day down the line decide he wants to be with a man again, this makes me feel so unattractive as a woman. I don’t want to fall for him more than i already have for him to turn around and say he is gay in a few years time. I know i should trust him when he tells me he is 100% into women and that his “boyfriend” was just a phase. that he finds me and only me attractive and wouldn’t care if he was to never be with a guy again in his life.

He also tells me he has no desire to BE a woman or dress as a woman 24/7 that it is just a hobby, a form of escapism for him. Ive seen pictures of him dressed up as “her” and it just makes me cry and it looks nothing like him, the him im falling in love with more every day. I have NO issue with him wearing ladies underwear, in fact i find it a huge turn on. But the make up and wigs that change how he looks in his face, really freak me out!

He is very understanding and tells me i never have to see him dressed up in real life if i don’t want to. But i feel bad like im not being understanding. Im not sure how i would feel if i lived with him, and come across his clothes and wigs next to mine in the draws etc but he shouldn’t have to hide them away from me or anyone.

I DON’T want to loose him, but im worried this side of him will in time become more and more prominent in our sex life etc etc and i REALLY don’t want to see him like “her” while we are making love. Because i love him, not “her” he loves that fact that im willing to be very dominant in the bedroom esp as im quite submissive normally. But i do feel like what we do do in the bedroom is more geared to what gets him off, the ladies knickers ect and never about what turns me on.

Im just worried about falling in love with him, and having to choose between putting up with (sorry this sounds nasty) her in our life, bedroom. Or loosing a man i really do believe could be the one for me.

Thanks for taking the time to read my issues.
J

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Still-struggling March 21, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Hi Jules. I’m still struggling with this many years later. It would be nice to chat to another partner about this, if you are interested? Your partner sounds very similar to how my husband is with crossdressing.

I often think there needs to be a website for the partners of crossdressers who pursue this as nothing more than a fun hobby. If you read some of the sites out there, you’ll only become more afraid as the crossdressers on them come in a thousand different shades, however I have found the loudest voices/shade are those more inclined to gender confusion.

Anyway, that’s my two cents and I’m certainly not trying to offend anyone. I hope, in fact, the community takes on board what the partners/wives are saying on occasion? It’s a lonely road for us, and it’s made all the worse when you don’t know where you fit. I hate categories and placing people in boxes, but when we are talking about the difference between crossdressing and transsexuality, I actually think it’s extremely harmful to everyone involved not to separate the two. Once again, sorry if this offends anyone, but this is my humble observation and I truly think this issue causes great harm.

Jules March 21, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Hi Still Struggling.

your very right about the forums, as much GREAT work they do for everyone involved, they really did scare me and most people on there tend to want to do it 80% more than my BF does.
I started to panic that his cross dressing needs were more of an issue than i needed to. As i told him i was on there seeking advise, he laughed and said. Most of the CD on there feel the need to do it far more often, as a hobby i can take or leave it, he does miss if if he hasn’t done it for a while but, he doesn’t get depressed.

So as much as i do love getting advise from them, the best and prob only place we should turn to for answers…is out cross dressing partners XX

Still-struggling March 22, 2012 at 2:45 am

Funny you say that Jules, as this is exactly what my husband tells me. “Ask ME how it is, not a forum.”

Though, that’s easier said than done when it’s something as socially unacceptable as crossdressing. I understand on some level that the whole problem we women have with crossdressing is hypocritical and silly, but it’s probably a fear of choosing a life with a man who might actually prefer to be a woman. Most heterosexual woman don’t want this! Most never dreamed their night on a white horse would be wearing a negligee!! I often imagine what my father or mother would think if they knew. I imagine they’d be so very disappointed that I married a man who wore a dress. Another silly thought, I know. I’m a grown woman who doesn’t need her parents’ blessing over who they marry.

Still…this isn’t what I imagined my life would be like. I didn’t want to take up a cause and fight the transgender battle. I’m exhausted enough as it is, coping with my children and job and other issues we women would rather spend our time thinking about. And then our husbands’ place this extra dimension into our lives, one we often don’t have the knowledge or desire to deal with…and voila, many years later you’re still wondering if you married the wrong man. Not because he’s not kind or considerate or handsome or strong. Not because he’s not a good father or provider. But because he wears a dress once a month!!

Anyway, it’s a constant battle to make peace with this and often times, I don’t understand why. Why can’t I just accept this part of him once and for all? Why does it haunt me year after year? I already sense in you a better understanding of your partner’s need to crossdress, and perhaps that’s thanks to the internet and not in spite of. I didn’t have quite so many options for information when I first found this out and that has definitely not helped.

Now, I find the knowledge I find is making things worse!

Either way, conversing with others like this is definitely helping. I believe I feel better already! :)

Cody March 27, 2012 at 7:24 am

Cody

Hi Jules

Yes I see where your coming from. It’s rather like the person you love disappears and someone else takes over, that’s always difficult. I would not want another boy who kept on becoming a girl every full moon. One positive thing is, I suppose, that he has been honest with you.Too honest in a way. I’d have kept quiet. I know that’s not exactly right but sometimes to tell a person the whole truth is unkind as well. He’s transferred any doubts he has to you more or less saying ‘this is me , I may do one thing or I may do another but that’s how I am ‘ It has upset you and I’m not surprised. Is he really thinking about your feelings all that much?

It does seem as if you have a very catholic person here to say the least, his tastes are very wide ranging. Like you, I too would not be convinced that he would ever be entirely ‘stable’. Whether you stay with him really depends upon which is the greater, your need to be loved or your love for him. If it is the second of these two choices then I don’t really know whether you will have all that happy a life because you will always be wondering. What ever you do I would advise against taking him on out of pity, he’s a big boy now and he must take care of himself.

It’s certainly true that this sort of person does not as a rule want to be a woman but quite what the real motivation is I not quite sure . I suspect pure excitement. This will be behind his interest in gay sex also. Astrologically the signs of Cancer and Libra both have a reputation for fooling around in this way. I once knew a woman whose husband took his two young teenage sons away each year to a hotel where all the guests were men and they all dressed up as women, the boys as well. Mother stayed at home. Apparently there was no sex in it but just what was going on is any-ones guess.

As I said earlier, we males are a bit complicated, or rather we can be, but, my advise to you here would be to gradually distance yourself and keep an eye out for someone else. If your boyfriend was a car I would suspect trouble in the future and I would not buy it. Maybe I’m wrong but for your sake, withdraw, there’s a lot of unexplored territory out there and somewhere a lonely boy who would love you dearly if given the chance.

I’d be glad to talk to you further at any time.

Good Luck

Cody.

Still-struggling March 22, 2012 at 3:17 am

Martie, thanks for your response. I obviously have a lot to learn about crossdressing and the community at large. Unfortunately, I struggle just to understand my husband so I’m probably at a disadvantage from the get go.

Anyway, as I wrote earlier, I really don’t want to offend anyone. I just see this from my perspective (flawed human trait, I know) and my perspective feels hurt and confused and often doesn’t know why. After all, why does something my husband do have any reflection on me? But that’s how we women often think: “what will xyz think if they find out.” And this is impossible to live with day in, day out. Even when your SO has zero desire to divulge this side of him with anyone else, the fear remains.

Anyway, I’m sure there are forums out there that are better suited to the SO perspective. I will have to do some research. I truly hope something as harmless as crossdressing doesn’t ultimately ruin my marriage as you’re right – it shouldn’t. Still, this isn’t what I expected from life and I can’t help feel mildly disappointed. Whatever joy/thrill/comfort/peace is gained by men who crossdress, this can’t be said for the partners. What do heterosexual women really get out of this?

Yep, I have plenty to think about and honestly, I’d rather not, but that’s where life has led me. Though, I am thankful it has also led me here, to where some very nice people have some very kind and helpful things to say, even to a slightly bitter wife who would like to find some peace with this whole thing.

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Mary March 22, 2012 at 7:08 am

I am confused – I am told that it makes him feel relaxed generally and yet he cannot just dress without expecting me to touch him sexually and says that he can ‘keep going’ longer during sex when dressed.
I understand that there are complexities as with everything in life but for me right now trying to work it out – is this fetish or something else?

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undisclosed March 23, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Dear Readers:
I just read all the posts and I felt it was very helpful to understand a little more about myself and the people around me.
Although this post was written for women to share their feelings and thoughts I felt these few lines might contribute to this dialogue.
I am a male CD and have been doing it for as long as I can remember.
I did have a girlfriend who accepted it and it really was a great feeling. Unfortunately I married one that does not and it has made life really difficult.
Although I am in touch with the feminine side by using women’s lingerie I still feel like a man for the most part.
I actually love sports such as soccer tennis and was a black belt at martial arts.
I guess I somewhat enjoy both worlds and have never thought about a sex change.
I would like to stress that if it were the case I would have no problem in saying so since this thread is somewhat anonymous and I trust many of us feel the same way.
We are all individuals and my case might not be the same as the next guy but I have a feeling I am part of the majority of a minority of men who enjoy CD. I also do not contemplate the idea of having sex with another man although I now realize it would not be a big deal anyway. Just not my cup of tea.
In essence CDs like myself are a very small group that do not fall in the category of gay men or 100% heterosexual and society as it stands cannot really make sense of it.
When you add this to the fact that most of us do it in secrecy it becomes obvious that we all have unresolved issues in one way or another.
Learning about our “habit” for most women is a shock which is what we fear the most triggering more embarrassment and secrecy.
Keep in mind however you find out about it, it really is a very difficult moment for us just as much as it is for you. You cannot begin to imagine the guilt feeling that most of us have.
I can understand the why and I might perhaps have the same reaction should the opposite happen to me, although in our condition as CD’s we have learned to be much more tolerant towards others.
To most women from what I have been researching there is a sense of insecurity that arises from this situation which can end up in a non-acceptance.
I have in past relations and this one pledged that I would stop have thrown all of the paraphernalia out but somehow it circles back and it starts all over again so my conclusion is that it is a part of us that cannot be changed.
Our role as males with this condition is to be tactful and respectful towards you and your feelings because at the end of the day love is the single greatest thing one can experience in life.
On the other hand women should accept us for who we are because I still enjoy watching a football game and a boxing match like most guys do. Our feelings for you have not changed they remain the same and will probably grow a lot stronger knowing that you have accepted us for who we are and not just for who you want us to be. Isn’t that what a relationship is all about?
The more you are able to discuss it in a non confrontational way, the better your chances of setting up boundaries that are acceptable to both.
Please do remember that many of us may have lived with this secret our entire lives and it is very hard to discuss it with someone else (let alone someone who will talk about is in an imperative or aggressive manner)
None of us are perfect I certainly am not but to become a better person is what everyone’s goal should be.
I would like to add that non-acceptance in my case has made life miserable for both of us and I really do not wish what I am going through and probably what she is going through to anyone.
If you do not accept it which at the end of the day is your choice do not make it dramatic simply say so and make decisions in a calm and rational manner
I hope that this thread has helped you.

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Meg April 18, 2012 at 7:53 pm

I came across a duffle bag of womens underware, stay ups, skirts bras, high heeled shoes (his size) and water ballons 3 days before my boyfriend and I moved in together. I was shocked. I did not say anything to him about it. It has now been a year of living together and I keep “tabs” on his duffle bag and when he is out at night but have still, not said anything to him about me knowing. I love him with everything I have. I have thought about all aspects of his “fetish” and am confident that I will love him, support him and stay with him no matter how large the aspect of it really is. He takes the bag with him when he knows he will be out without me and comes home much later then expected (based on the plans he shares with me). I feel like I am being shady by keeping tabs, checking on the bag to see when he has mixed it up or gone through it, when he is out on his own, I pace the house and find it hard to sleep because I know what he is out doing but am scared or nervous about bringing it up to him.

I have brought up the late nights and not answering his phone and he says that he is doing nothing that would jeporize our relationship and he loves me more then he loves himself and would do nothing to put that in harms way.

I trust him 100% through and through. This doesn’t bother me. I do think it is weird but I have had some time to come to terms, do TONS of research and accept it all. But I wish he would come clean to me. Open up to me. I feel he is ashamed of it because he hides it and if it is brought to light that I know about this, it will cause problems for us or change how we are. Do I continue to say nothing and feel this “space” between us or bring it up and risk things chagnging for us. I love what we have and love him with all I have.

Any thoughts on this would be welcomed.

And thank you so so so much for this site and all others that have helped me support my man and love him, even if it is from a distance.

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Lauren May 4, 2012 at 3:06 am

So how do you explain self loathing? an entire child hood spent wanting to wear a dress, of wanting to join in all the girl’s games, of wanting to sit with and laugh with and live and breath with the girls. I have always hating the assignment I was forced into, and the role play handed out by the adults, the institutions and society. All those occupations and excersises that prevented me from feeling not only like a girl, and later a woman, but like a real human being. I grew to hate men who used transvestite behaviour to get a high, this is merely using a fetish to get a sexual pay off. I never wanted pay off, I wanted woman, genuine female soul and heart to encompass me and inhabit me, make me whole and give me the peace and comfort being. My whole life has been an aching tortured need of the feminine, not on me or covering me, but burning within me and driving my being. I have hated my assignment and my entire life.

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Torn May 8, 2012 at 6:43 pm

I came across a duffle bag of womens underware, stay ups, skirts bras, high heeled shoes (his size) and water ballons 3 days before my boyfriend and I moved in together. I was shocked. I did not say anything to him about it. It has now been a year of living together and I keep “tabs” on his duffle bag and when he is out at night but have still, not said anything to him about me knowing. I love him with everything I have. I have thought about all aspects of his “fetish” and am confident that I will love him, support him and stay with him no matter how large the aspect of it really is. He takes the bag with him when he knows he will be out without me and comes home much later then expected (based on the plans he shares with me). I feel like I am being shady by keeping tabs, checking on the bag to see when he has mixed it up or gone through it, when he is out on his own, I pace the house and find it hard to sleep because I know what he is out doing but am scared or nervous about bringing it up to him.

I have brought up the late nights and not answering his phone and he says that he is doing nothing that would jeporize our relationship and he loves me more then he loves himself and would do nothing to put that in harms way.

I trust him 100% through and through. This doesn’t bother me. I do think it is weird but I have had some time to come to terms, do TONS of research and accept it all. But I wish he would come clean to me. Open up to me. I feel he is ashamed of it because he hides it and if it is brought to light that I know about this, it will cause problems for us or change how we are. Do I continue to say nothing and feel this “space” between us or bring it up and risk things chagnging for us. I love what we have and love him with all I have.

Any thoughts on this would be welcomed.

And thank you so so so much for this site and all others that have helped me support my man and love him, even if it is from a distance.

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Rob May 22, 2012 at 10:05 pm

I have crossdressed all my life sometimes it’s sexual most of the time it’s not. I was married several years she would not accept me said she was going to change me. Didn’t work it’s just something I like and it’s me. I shave my legs and always have it took me til now to realize that I do want to be female I have always felt like one. I have been fighting these feelings all my life. I haven’t been with anyone for ten years. I have been trying to find myself. My suggestion is embrace it and have fun because it’s something that doesn’t go away

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Josephine Shaffer May 29, 2012 at 9:32 pm

When i was 10 years old me being a boy i like trying on dresses, skirts, pantyhoses i thought to myself only if i was born a girl my mother would buy me girls clothes instead boys clothes the dress i would pick is a Bright Pink give a feminine looks, and wear my hair shoulder length or a little longer also have pontytail with a Pink ribbon in it no bangs of course unless i would really look pretty thinking that i would be in the girls classes, and gym i’m really saying if i biological girl this is my story what my wishes is.

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Deedee May 30, 2012 at 7:07 pm

I was married to a transgender, transexual, transmale, whatever label you want to paint. I found out about him a year into the marriage when he would Sneak my panties on while we had sex. It was “kinky” so I didn’t mind it. It moved forward from there until he wanted to be fully feminized in the bedroom. After 3 years we divorced. I felt I was deceived in our marriage and was angry that I no longer had a “husband”. I did love him though, and after the divorce we became “better” friends and he told me a lot about his past, the Aunt that raised him, his abuse, and his desire to be feminine. I actually felt empathy toward him and over time our relationship came to the point where I allowed him to dress while visiting me. I began to teach him how to do makeup and began to enjoy making him feminine. We even had sex several times “en-fem”. I am somewhat bi- so it was kind of fun. I really liked the fact that while he was Sheryl, his whole demeaner changed. He was very feminine in his mannerisms, and quite submissive in bed, treating me like his lesbian lover, very oral. Over time he drifted away to live his life as a woman, taking hormones, and dating men.

I now find myself dating smaller, less masculine men, often “testing” them to see if they too have feminine traits or desires. I have helped a number of them “find” themselves. I have many friends now that are CD’s, transgenders
or couples who practice and enjoy CDing. One couple actually takes all their vacations as girlfriends, (he is totally passable as a woman), and they are very happy and very in love. I have found that I enjoy men who are “part” woman and less “macho”. They are much more attentive to my needs and desires, and much easier to deal with. So there is hope for you “gurls”, there are a growing number of women who want effeminent men instead of Mr Macho. If you want to see how much it has progressed, go to Japan and look at the younger crowd, many times you can’t really tell who the boys are from the girls.

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Joe S July 19, 2012 at 9:01 pm

I would be happy if i could just be a girl so that i wear anything feminine i like it when i can books just for girls watch all kinds of girls movies listen to same kind of musics for girls wear a pretty Pink dress, school uniforms, playing in all girls sports, and women’s sports wearing a sports skorts, and top when playing in sports that requires them, i like dolls just like the rest of the girls do anything that girls do join the fashion shows, pageants wear make-ups i love putting on make-ups, i also love wearing nice flipflops, swimsuits, sandles i think about all the time, and wear leotards, and tights when i go dancing for instance Ballet dance, at times wear tutus Pink i like being one of the girls not boys i want to be feminine not muscline iwould enjoy life better if i was born a girl i would like looking in a mirror, and see how pretty girl i can be. P.S. right now i am transgender female.

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Jamie January 28, 2013 at 12:23 pm

I have wanted to be a woman for a very long time, I need help.

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mattie March 20, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Cody,

Thank you so much for your post. But I have to say I disagree with you on a few things in your post.

While crossdressing may indeed be a “fetish” for some, it certainly is not for many others. There are crossdressers for whom crossdressing carries no sexual connection whatsoever.

The other disagreement I have is in the philosophical approach that says that just because a self-identified male feels sexy by dressing up that he’s somehow a fetishist. There are lots of girls out there that feel sexy when they dress up – are they too fetishists? Or when a girl puts on boy boxers and poses for her boyfriend is she a fetishist? What about when a guy feels sexy when he puts on a sharp suit?

This idea of crossdressing being a fetish only works one way – it only works when it’s a male putting on female clothing. So to read your description of how crossdressing works, and have such broad, sweeping generalizations made about all crossdressers raises red flags for me because I know many people who don’t fit into the stereotype you’ve painted and for whom their gender identity is not motivated by a sexual fetish.

I’m not saying that there aren’t people who fit your description; certainly there are. But there are many many people who do not. So I just wanted to add that caveat.

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mattie March 22, 2012 at 12:58 am

Hi Still-Struggling,

I want to thank you for your comment. I know you don’t intend to offend anyone, but I do feel like I may have a few things to add to the discussion and hopefully provide context.

You pointed out in your post that perhaps the transgender minority is scaring away many more crossdressers who just do it as a hobby and don’t have any desire to transition. I do agree with you that there are far far far more men who just like to crossdress (for a variety of reasons, not all do it for sexual reasons) and who have no desire to transition. Just like there are many many women out there who like to work on cars, and are into NASCAR and don’t want to transition either. But where I disagree with you very strongly is this idea that the transgender (your word) people are scaring these men away. I don’t think that’s true at all. Instead I think it’s more likely that these men are too afraid to share their hobby because they fear the ridicule of general society. Crossdressing is well tolerated in most LGBT communities, but not in the general public. I think most are deathly afraid of being labeled a sissy and so they don’t share their experiences. I don’t think they are scared away from sharing their views by the “transgender” community – nobody is going to convince a man to transition to female. It’s not really something that you convince someone to do or not – so there’s nothing to be afraid of. A crossdressing man is very different from a transsexual woman.

The second thing I would just point out is that when you talk about “these men” who would be better off discussing their “gender confusion” on a transsexual website. I’d just point out that it’s not quite so clear cut and dry as that. There are transseuxals who might visit a crossdressing website to get tips for what styles could work with their complexion and frame, and how to do makeup. Heck, I’ve met cissexual (read: born female) women who are tall and have a big frame who come to crossdressing websites to get ideas for style and how to work with their features. Websites like crossdressers.com brings together all types of people who are interested in the subject matter – it’s not only for straight crossdressers and their partners. The only other thing I’d like to remind you is that a crossdressing man is still a man, and a transsexual woman is a woman – these two are just as different as any other man and woman. A transsexual woman is not a “man who is gender confused.”

Lastly, I’ll just say that the vast majority of crossdressers don’t transition and have no desire to do so. Likewise, there are many transsexuals who do transition, who have never crossdressed before. Crossdressing does not mean someone will transition (one only need look at the millions of tomboys around the world to see this is true). If you are married to a crossdresser, don’t freak out. The thing is, if it’s a hobby then it will just be a hobby and you can work it out. Maybe you’re not into it, but maybe he’s not into your ceramic bunny collection either. But just because you’re into bunnies doesn’t mean that you’re going off the deep end, filling your whole house full of bunnies and destroying your marriage. Neither is a crossdresser automatically going to destroy the marriage because they like to wear clothes of the opposite designated gender.

Thinking that your marriage is going to end because you have a crossdresser in the house is just as silly as thinking your marriage is going to end because you have a tomboy in the house. A marriage is what you make it. And that marriage is far more likely to fail because of the response to the crossdressing than because of the crossdressing itself. Liking girly things doesn’t make you a girl any more than liking boy things makes you a boy. Please consider the double standard that’s set when we behave like one is true and the other is not.

On the other hand, you might have hit the statistical jackpot and married a transsexual. If so even that isn’t the end of the world and doesn’t mean your marriage will need to end. Take a deep breath. It will be okay. You both can survive, and thrive.

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mattie March 22, 2012 at 1:06 am

Still-Struggling,

There are resources in the crossdresser community that are focused specifically on significant others. One that is top of mind for me is Tri-Ess. I don’t think it’s harmful that different people come together on sites like these to share beauty tips and relationship advice. Sites like these aren’t private clubs for members only, but the information is available for all (including you). The crossdresser community (just like the heterosexual community, or the scientific community) is extremely diverse. It’s sort of hard to imagine how it could be “separated” as you suggest. I don’t think that’s possible actually, and it would cause great harm to do so. By having us all be able to share our experiences we each learn from one another. It’s up to you, the reader, to determine how you relate to what you read. Please try and not be made so afraid by what you read. Don’t read one experience and stereotype all crossdressers the same way – doing that is what causes stress.

Thank you for your post. I hope you do find the kind of support you are looking for.

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Cody March 27, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Cody

Hi Mattie.

Thank you for your reply and thank you for taking the trouble to make it.

I do take your point. My comments were probable rather too sweaping. I naturally respect the fact that crossdressing is a very complex subject and that there are many many variations out there. My remarks in this case were rather more subjective. I thought it likely that in this lady’s relationship, my explanation was possibly the correct one. I’m still inclined to think that it was but I respect your point of view. Until we can both speak to the man concerned we are in a sense working in the dark.

Please don’t think for one moment I am a prude, in this house we have a very cosmopolitan structure and although I don’t think any of us cross dress ( although I’m not absolutely sure about that ) we are certainly not hostile to those that do, we have a very broad curriculum. For my own part, I have to say that I find clothes, male or female, totally uninteresting. If I ware them with any intent at all it is to show certain bits of me off to good effect. Nudity in naughty places is my big thing. The human body is so sexy and beautiful that covering it up at all distresses me and spoils the physical symmetry, (in my opinion). I think you have to admit that we are the only being in creation that goes in for this form of expression. Apart from my comment above, the only other reason I ware clothes is to be sociable or to keep out the weather.They go straight on the floor once I become intimate.

I must admit however, to feeling some sympathy with the women who write to this forum. To find out that someone you love disappears into someone else, at least superficially, is upsetting. I’m gay and I would find it difficult to accept a boy that I loved for his physical form and beauty, dressing up as a girl, a sex I have little or no interest in physically. I would feel somewhat cheated. Likewise if I were to fall in love with a girl, it would be discouraging to find out that she wanted to dress as a stevedore at weekends. This thing is difficult for the partner to understand. I have been told that some of the people who do it don’t really know why they do so. How much harder then, must it be for the rest of us.

I hope that as I understand the points you are making you will understand where I am coming from. We are united in a way, in that we both have to contend with a society that is very strongly stereotyped even today and I wouldn’t want you or any one else reading my comments to think I was unsympathetic. Take courage from the fact that a new age is dawning and will I think usher in a better understanding and acceptance on many levels.

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