Shortly after I found out that my husband was a crossdresser, I was watching TV and ran across the movie Normal starring Tom Wilkinson and Jessica Lange. I sat and watched it, and promptly felt sorry for myself. I had tears running down my face, and felt I truly understood what the characters were going through. Except for the minor fact that my boyfriend, now husband, wasn’t/isn’t interested in getting a sex change.
This is part of the problem of discovering that your spouse is a crossdresser. You automatically assume two things.
1. You believe that they are gay. Based upon my observations and things that I have read/watched about the crossdressing community, it is hard for me to lump being gay and liking to wear women’s clothes in the same category. I know gay men that come across as very masculine (so much so it is hard to know that they are gay until they say so), and others who appear to act more feminine. It’s true that there are nuances of both in each community, but it doesn’t mean that we can assume that either community automatically takes on aspects of the other. So, we can’t automatically assume that homosexuals like to wear women’s clothes, and neither can we assume that crossdressers want to be in homosexual relationships.
2. You believe that they want to be the other sex. This is so impossible to be true. It would be like saying that women who wear pant suits want to be men, but not very many people believe or say that because it has become culturally normal for women to crossdress in this way (and in other ways, but that’s another subject for another time). Yes, it is possible that your crossdresser wants to be the opposite sex, but even people who are dyed in the wool transgendered don’t always want to have sexual reassignment surgery.
Why don’t I believe these anymore? Well, we got the gay question out of the way in the beginning. He’s interested in women, and primarily he’s interested in me. Based upon my relationship and history with him, I have no reason to distrust him on this.
On the second, I’ll admit that there are still days that I wonder if he’ll ever want the surgery, but even if it were the case it isn’t the case now. I am in a solid marriage with someone who is my partner. Sure, it will be strange for me if he has the surgery, but if that happens we’ll tackle it when we get there. I imagine spending my entire life with this person because I’m committed to having a full and happy life with him. If he eventually becomes she, then I hope it will be okay. I hope I will be able to see past the vagina and boobs and see the person who is and has been my best friend.
I’m reminded of a book that I read a while back called My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd. The author wrote a candid book about crossdressing and how it didn’t mean that her husband would want a sex change. Later I saw her do an interview with her husband on a talk show where he admitted that he wanted to live full time as a woman. This may be unfortunate for her (and I do not know how she feels about this now), but I want to point out that her situation is unique, and that sex change operations do happen, but they are rare. Your husband or boyfriend may only like to dress up on occasion and that will be enough for him. He may dress up more frequently, but it is still enough. Your man very likely wants to stay a man.
I still think about that movie sometimes. It was a heart-wrenching film to watch, but it is just a film. It is not my situation, and it is probably not yours. But make sure you sit down with him and discuss these things. If you are really worried that he is gay or will want a sex change, try to have an honest heart to heart on these matters. He may not know that you have these fears, so it is good to be open about them so you can both understand where the other stands.
Did/do you experience any other doubts or feelings other than the two I mentioned?
Image credit: Liz Henry.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I know this is an old post, but I just came across it and it’s something I can relate to. I found out about 7 months ago that my then-boyfriend who I had been with for 3 1/2 years is a crossdresser.
I had a hard time dealing with that once I found out, but over time I’ve come to a certain level of acceptance. We went through a few “breaks” and every time we came back to one another. Spending even short amounts of time apart just didn’t feel right. Maybe it was a bad idea on my part, though, because he wasn’t treating me very well, which was a huge shock. For the first couple of years of our relationship he was incredible, I always felt so lucky to have him and like I had something no one else could touch.
But since just before he told me he’s been on and off, sometimes great and sometimes very cold. This may also have to do with the fact that he is bipolar. But in any case it got bad enough that a couple of weeks ago we broke up. I’ve been keeping in contact with him via email and yesterday he told me that he has thought about transitioning. He recently found out that a friend he had online who was also a crossdresser, who had a wife and child, decided to transition into a woman and this has made him very unsure about his own future. Now I’m not sure what to think. Was he just saying that he didn’t want to transition when I asked him about it in the past so he didn’t scare me (which is what he says now)? Or is he so upset by his friend’s misfortunes that he’s thinking of the worst case scenario? By worst case I mean that he’s terrified by the idea of being open about this and if he were to become a woman everyone would have to know about it.
I’m really not sure what to think, but I just hope that he makes the best decision for himself. He’s terrified of losing everyone in his life and that’s stopping him from living a happy and healthy life. And I don’t think I could be in a relationship with him if he were to become a woman, but I will certainly always love and support him, even though at the moment he won’t let me and will barely speak to me as of last night.
Hi S,
I’m really glad you commented on this post because it’s a really important and complex topic.
You don’t mention if your boyfriend (ex?) has talked to other people about his gender identity – but if he is anything like I was chances are he hasn’t talked about it with anyone (or only minimally).
In my case (and I think for a lot of transgender individuals) when you keep those thoughts inside for literally your whole life (from the time you are a child in many cases) I think it makes it seem like the only solution is a full transition to the opposite sex. I know I felt that way, all I knew was that I was a girl on the inside, but because I never had the chance to express the girl it seemed like a transition was inevitable or that I’d have to find a way to keep burying my feelings. When I first came out it was a really confusing time – I mean, on one hand I felt less confused because I was talking about my gender identity for the first time in my life, but on the other hand I now realize that I didn’t even understand my feelings that well back then (and I’m still very much a work in progress.)
Where I’m at now is that I consider myself a transgender person, but I am no longer convinced that I need to fully transition in order to feel at peace with my gender identity, or that a full transition is my only option. When I take an honest look at myself I realize that there are indeed aspects of me that are “boyish”, and that I like those aspects too. I’m still working through this, but I can say that I’ve gone from a position of thinking that transitioning might be “necessary”, to realizing there are more options available to me, and it’s been very helpful.
This being said, gender is a complex issue and I really don’t know how your boyfriend (ex) feels. He may indeed need to transition to feel complete. However, I know in my case that taking it slow has helped me to take an honest look at my gender identity apart from the lifetime of wishing I had been born a girl. I now see my gender as more complex than just “boy” or “girl”, and this has helped me a lot.
I would strongly encourage your boyfriend to find a qualified therpist who specializes in TG/TS issues. This can be a HUGE help in figuring out if a full transition is what he really wants. There are a lot of things to consider. I’m currently seeing a therapist who has been so helpful – she doesn’t press me in any direction, just is there for me to explore my journey and help me find answers to questions I have. She would support me if I came to feel transitioning was my only option and would help me through that, and she supports me if I decided not to. She also has many patients who have found a “third gender” that works for them. I can’t tell you what a difference it can make to work through these issues with someone who is accustomed to working with a lot of TG/TS individuals.
I really wish you and him the best in figuring out what you each want individually, and whether or not that means you should be together or not. In any case, working through this takes a deep level of honesty (with yourself too), strength (to make tough choices), and patience.
Hi Mattie,
Thanks for your comment, that really helped. I’ve been very confused about everything. I don’t know anyone who is transgender or in a relationship with someone who is so I don’t really have a good understanding of all the issues that surround it. My ex hasn’t been very open to answering questions and from what I can tell it’s because he’s very confused too.
He did keep this inside for his whole life up until now and he’s in his early 20’s. He is seeing a therapist who specializes in TG/TS issues and I think it has helped. From what he’s said it’s a place where he can say anything that’s on his mind and not worry about being judged or upsetting anyone. He’s also working on seeing another specialist that his therapist recommended who does group therapy. I’ve encouraged him to do that too because he says he feels very alone and I hope meeting others who are in the same situation will help him to see that he isn’t.
He recently told his best friend about his gender identity and that was a very big deal. I spoke with his friend about it and we both feel like he’s still at a point where he’s very confused and that fully transitioning isn’t a definite. If he does decide that’s the right thing for him I’ll support it. But when he told me he thought it might happen some day it didn’t fit with what I already knew.
I was wondering if you could explain the “third gender” you mentioned. I’ve heard that term before, but I never knew quite what it meant.
And thanks again. This has been a difficult issue for me and I really appreciate you taking time out to help me understand it better.
Hi S,
When I say “Third Gender” I’m just talking about individuals who neither feel completely male or completely female but instead something inbetween. In reality, when you think of it, very few people fit perfectly in the category of “male” or “female” but there’s a point at which you get too far into the other gender spectrum that society looks on you strangely and assumes something’s wrong.
Most of us choose to live the “male” or “female” gender role visually though and are comfortable with it. But some individuals actually try and live outwardly how they feel inwardly – and this is what I think of when I think of people who live in the third gender.
The thing is, it’s very hard to do this since when we all look at each other in society we automatically put each other into nice little categories. When someone is sitting across from us on the subway or train and we can’t figure out if they are a boy or girl it can really nag your mind until you figure it out. Unless of course you are already in a mindset where that sort of thing doesn’t matter to you.
For people who live the third gender (something inbetween) it can be hard to get a job, or even be safe in public in some places because they don’t fit these nice categories. I’m talking about a petite biological female who dresses and behaves exactly like a man but you can tell is biologically female. Or a large man who chooses to wear a tasteful and well-fitting skirt and carry a purse.
When you think about it there’s nothing wrong with either of these scenarios. But it’s “strange” for so many people that even though these individuals may feel comfortable in their third gender role, those around them may harass them more, or it may limit their options for jobs or friends because of discrimination.
Wikipedia has an interesting overview of the third gender here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_gender
For someone like me I suppose if the world was a completely accepting place I’d choose to exist in some kind of middle-ground gender expression as well. For me though I’m content so far just considering myself transgender, and living my public experience as a “man”. Even though I don’t like playing that role all the time, at least I can be who I am at home because my wife loves and accepts me for who I am. For now, it’s enough to help me get by and live a pretty happy life – but that doesn’t mean it would work for everyone.
Well where to start. My husband of 20 years sprung on me today that he wants to start taking hormones. That he will grow breasts, his voice will change and he will have his shriveled penis removed. I am so at a loss. When I try to ask questions about it—he yells and me and tells me it is none of my business and he will do as HE WISHES! Shortly before we got married he told me that he liked to on occasion wear womens’ shoes. I thought it a bit different—but I loved him. I asked him at that time to be honest with me and tell me if there were more to it. He said there was not. He has not taken any of my feelings into account and quite frankly has made it clear that he does not want to hear about my feelings. I do not wish to live as a lesbian for several reasons—-I have wants and needs and they will not be met and my job is such that they get wind of this—they will be looking for any way possible to get rid of me. He has had several affairs—he says only mentally—but I am not so sure. Apparently after the last one a couple of months ago—he decided that he wanted to start taking hormones for whatever reason. Guess he thinks that will help keep him from cheating. Any thought or ideas. I am truly at a loss.
Hi Marie,
Although I should, I don’t often respond to comments on here, and yours stood out to me.
First of all – welcome to the club. I think all of us partners, spouses and families are immersed in a world we know little about. It’s as if someone took cold water and dumped it on us while we were sleeping in warm beds, completely comfortable and happy with the way things were. It’s not always a negative experience to be in this club, but it can most certainly feel like your world is changing in some very odd and frustrating ways.
I’ve never had my husband tell me that he wants to make the full transition, and neither have I experienced a negative confrontation with him about him being transgender. Our conversations have sometimes been painful, but when it comes to this topic, we tread softly, and I’d like to think, respectfully.
That said, it is most certainly not easy to hear the news that he wants to be she – even part of the time. I’ve felt like you sometimes – that I am being forced into a lesbian role when I very much want to be in a fully heterosexual relationship. We are all so used to having things be tied up in neat little boxes of husband and wife, male and female, penis and vagina, that when we’re told, “no I want to be a female, too”, it’s like – WAIT A MINUTE – what about me?? (And I’ll tell you, that this is also a big issue in the gay community, too – all of a sudden a lesbian finds out she has to play a heterosexual role. It’s very hard no matter what sexual orientation you are.)
I could go on and on, but based upon what you’ve written, the biggest piece of advice I can give you is that first and foremost find a couples therapist that has experience with gender issues. It sounds like you love your husband and want to figure out how to fix what is going on. If your husband is truly transgender, it cannot be “fixed”. You may have only found out today about it, but if he is transgender he has known about it his entire life. If you want to maintain this marriage, you will both need to work hard to figure out how to support each other and make this a process that includes you both. It is your business AND his business.
Bottom line – please see someone. If he won’t see a therapist with you, you should most certainly go and see one by yourself to make sure you can handle this. Believe me – you should not try to handle this on your own, especially if you feel you are not being heard by your spouse and if you are concerned with work. It sounds like there are a lot of underlying issues here that need to be worked through – cheating, lying, disrespect – these may be long standing issues that are only being exacerbated by him coming out to you.
I am no expert, but know that you’re not the first to go through this. Many spouses and families have gone before us and have survived just fine. You WILL be okay.