The Conversation.
There’s a little secret within the crossdressing community that goes something like this: If people only knew how many men crossdress they’d be amazed at the stories of everyday guys who are crossdressers. It’s true. There are estimates that one out of every ten men would like to crossdress, or does so already – but as you might imagine it’s hard to pinpoint the exact number. To gauge how many, and what kinds of men like to wear women’s clothes though one only needs to look at the backgrounds and types of men that exist within the crossdressing community. What do you find? That crossdressers are EVERYWHERE!
A recent thread on the crossdressers forum reveals the variety of men that live their own adventure daily:
“I own my own electronics design biz building computer related gadgets for professional Powerpoint users.” -Christine
“I am a Paramedic and was a firefighter for 6 years.” – Amy
“Hi. I’m a plumber so am unable to dress at work although I sometimes underdress. When I’ve got paperwork to do at home I always dress as an office girl.” – Barbara
“I work in Primary Care Medicine.” – il
“I’m a carpenter doing mostly residential framing.” – Lisa
“I’m a retired carpenter/ structural maintenance mechanic/ truck driver.” – Jill
“I’m an electrical engineer.” – Pamela
“I’m a daytrader” – Seville
“Passenger Train Driver for government owned railway, I always go to work in fem panties and have worn bra, tights or panty hose in the cooler months.” – Kylie
“Cosmetologist (Hair stylist!), makeup artist, both conventional and permanent.” – Tami
“Medical Insurance Claims Analyst” – Nicole
“I’m a Firefighter and wear panties 24/7. God help me if I ever get hurt.” – Selene
“I currently overhaul hydraulic actuators for military aircraft.” -Serina
“Underground Coal Mining” – Karren
“A boeing 777 co-pilot. Nothing can explain the feelings of wearing pantyhose at 35000ft!” – KE
“I am a Computer Aided Drafter for the US Army Corps of Engineers.” – MixedEmotion
And the list goes on…
There’s this stereotype that the types of men that are most likely to cross dress are “feminine” or “gay” men that are easy to spot, that crossdressers must be underachievers and dress for the attention of other men. Nothing could be further from the truth!
In my case throughout college I was near the top of my class. I was a DJ on a radio station that covered most of a major metropolitian area, served as president of both my high school and college class – and was in the honors society of my area of study. I’ve since attained a Masters degree in my field and again graduated near the top of my class. Now I’m happily married and have started my own company. My story isn’t unique however. Many of the crossdressers you meet these days are successful fathers, husbands, men – who serve their companies, families, and country with honor and dignity – hardly the stereotype of “underachiever” at all.
If you don’t think you know a crossdresser, I can guarantee you do. Crossdresser stories aren’t hard to find at all.
Do you have a story? Share it below, or if you’d like to write something more contact me!
Image credit: malias.
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
I am a heterosexual closet crossdresser and have been since i was 10. I am now in my 30′s and still enjoy dressing up as I come home everyday and dress up as a girl and watch TV or browse the internet in a long wig ,denim or plaid skirt or maybe a prom dress and hi heels, and always wear pantyhose or tights. I sometimes put on eyeshadow and lipstick and paint my nails blue or pink.
I just found out after several years of marriage that my husband loves to cross dress. I had my suspicions, but ignored them, until I found his photo on a website. I confronted him, he denied it, said he was just joking around, I replied back that I had looked on his computer, and found that he had been visiting sites every single day for hours at a time, that’s not fooling around! He then admitted it. I was very upset, hurt and felt unloved, alone and most of all betrayed. It felt like I was living 6 years of lies. He tells me that he loves me and doesn’t want to loose me and he would give it up to proove it. After all the research I have done, I doubt very much that he will be able to get this out of his system. He may stop for awhile, but how long before it starts up again? I spend each day trying to keep it off my mind, but no matter how hard I try I picture the photo of him in my head. I am lost, no one to turn to0, and have no idea what to do…
Shar
It is not easy accepting this for most people. I revealed i liked to wear woman clothing as well to my “ex” wife. She didn’t understand either. After telling her she asked me if i would have a problem if she talked it over with others i said no. She could never except it but her sister and otehrs understood. What i am saying is we will always be a hushband that will put our wives firist and we look to dressing as away to balance our lives between the stress and what is in side of us. You are right when you say it will never go away. It always has always will be apart of us. the reading i have done tells me that we have a hormones in balance and it goes just enough to the female side that we desire to try to feel and be a woman even if it just for a breif amount of time. We are not trying to say that we want someone or something else. Al we ask is for some understanding from our point of view through how we feel. I am now re married and my wife knows about my dressing and accepts it. You have have to decide for yourself how much you love your hushband and if you can ever accept it. Need to sit down and open the cards up and layout both sides and respect what each of you has to say. This is hard but is this worth possibly lossing your hushband for. Every man has a femine side to them some just show it others keep it locked up and live a life lies which that is not fair to either. He is still the man who you love and will always be the same man. Be honest with each other once and for all!
Shar,
I am a late-50s lifetime hetero crossdresser. Early in my marriage of, now, 24 years, my wife discovered my secret. Since that time, she refuses to discuss it, much less try to be any measure of understanding. More than anything, I would like to share that part of my life with her but I can see that it will never happen. I feel like half a person as a result.
It’s true that I kept the secret from her early on but we live in a small town and I could not risk being found out. It was out of fear, not disrespect, that I kept it to myself. I know, now, that she probably would not have married me if she had known.
My crossdressing has hurt no one. No one knows but her. I’ve never ventured outside of my home, never risking embarassment. To me, it’s just a harmless hobby that threatens no one.
I’ve lived with this fear all of my life. I would love to have someone to talk to about it and to share it with but it can’t be with my best friend, my wife, and it can’t be with anyone else. It is the most disappointing aspect of my life.
I urge you to look at your husband’s activity as nothing more than a harmless, abeit peculiar, hobby. I can assure you, you have know idea what he’s going through.
Do you think you can live with him being this way or do you think it is over for the two of you? I am sure that if you can accept it he will be happy. It will take time. i would have severial talks about it with him and see where you feel the thret. I’m sure he still loves you but needs this on the side and would love it if you could accept him and even help him. You will most likly find he still loves you and still wnats to stay together. More than likly he is not cheeting at all on you. (I would not think so, but I don’t know his side).
My advice is I would keep talking to him about it an get all your questions answered first then see where you are with it. Best of luck . Email me if you like @. boystud@live.com
Hi Shar, do not fret, My wife met me in drag at a totoo show I loved womens clothing since I was 5 trying on clothes with my sister it was fun but could not stop. it can be fun between you both . you can throw all of the reAL LOVE YOU MARRIED FOR AWAY. oR CAN JUST TALK ABOUT it you can show your love and care about his needs he is not out to hurt you but just fullfill his needs at times. He can even help make deceisions what you look better in and go together and get some facials and pedicures together I usally get clear polish when I go with my wife . I am sure he is not out to hurt you but dont throw away the real reason he married you he cares about more than anyone .This is my second marriage I also have also have three kids , !st marriage not broken over crossdressing either. 1st. new too Take care
Hi Shar,
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I agree with you that it’s unlikely your husband will be able to stop cross dressing for the long term, however you should also know that there are many couples out there (many) that work through this issue and it actually makes their relationship stronger in the end. I strongly recommend the book My Husband Wears my Clothes by Peggy Rudd.
Please also know that dealing with transgender issues can be very shameful and embarrassing for a man. While he certainly shouldn’t have kept this from you, I also know how frightening it is to get the courage to tell anyone about these feelings. We live in a society that places such shame on men who have a feminine side, and it makes us so afraid to tell anyone. A woman can throw on overalls and go work on the car if she feels like it, or throw on a mans pair of jeans and nobody thinks it’s a problem, a man can’t just go out with his friends and get a manicure, or put on his wife’s skirt because it feels more comfortable to him – it’s a double standard that most of us transgender people feel acutely. Most of the time we just try to hide it deep down inside by doing more manly things (joining military, etc) but that usually makes us feel worse. Many guys get married and have kids thinking that maybe it will go away with time – it doesn’t any more than your gender identity of being a female might go away. I can tell you though that I never wanted to hurt my girlfriend or wife or friends in any way – I was just so afraid to tell anyone. But in my case it didn’t make me less faithful in relationships, or gay, or anything like that. I just wanted to be more feminine sometimes and escape from the pressures of being in the “man” role all the time.
You have a tremendous opportunity to go deeper with your husband than he has with any other person. While it’s not right that he didn’t tell you, I wouldn’t either assume that he’s cheating on your or anything like that just because he likes to wear a dress. It can be very hard, but I really encourage you to have an open mind, listen, and share your feelings. Not every transgender person is the same, and just because someone is transgender doesn’t make them harmfully deviant, likewise, just because there are many of us that are faithful to our wifes and happily married doesn’t mean there are marriages that don’t fall apart. You will need to figure out your path, but there are lots of people who have gone through this before you. Please don’t isolate yourself. There is a lot of very good information out there about this topic. Take your time, and ask your husband for time, and ask him to be completely honest with you as you ask questions. If he doesn’t know, then make sure he tells you that too – these feelings are complex, and for me it took time to figure out what it really meant. Please get that book, it can be so helpful in understanding the issue fairly and determining how you want to relate to it.
Also, I’ve found it so beneficial lately to be talking to a qualified gender therapist about my gender issues. I would strongly encourage you to encourage your husband to seek someone out and start a dialog about it. This issue has the potential to be a very negative thing, or a very positive thing for your marriage. I can tell you that for me, my willingness to be open with my wife, and our willingness together to educate ourselves, and my commitment to her has made all the difference. We now have an incredibly close relationship and I trust her more now than ever with anything. Many times insurance will pay for visits to a psychologist, and it’s just billed as “general depression”. If you need help finding someone who deals with gender issues please let me know and I will try to help.
Lastly, there’s a discussion forum on the Crossdressers.com website for “Significant Others” that is excellent. You will have to register for their website to see this forum. But there are a lot of wives and husbands of transgender individuals there that are very helpful to each other. You will be able to get a perspective from partners who have worked it out, and those who have not.
I really wish you and your husband the best Shar. And I hope you find the right path that works for you.
Hi Shar,
I don´t think there is any thing that can be said that could make you feel better unless you really want it too. I am from a country that is way further away from understanding and accepting xdressers. In my personal experience I couldn´t tell my wife because of the fear of getting into the exact situation your husband is in, I can deffenetly understand why he did it this way, although I am not saing its the right thing to do it probably makes us feel safer.
In my case my wife also saw a picture of me in a skirt, at first she went through the same feelings as you probably are going through. The key piece un my case was she trully belived that I am not gay, and saw my crossdressing as just a disguise, I am the kind of guy who strives for perfecction in sports I practice and my Job, therefore it was not hard to belive I was just trying to overcome the challenge of looking like a girl. Like I said I am not atracted to men un any way, and I could´nt love my wife more. In my experience she finding out was the best thing that could happen, I don´t feel any guilt, fear, shame nor any negative feelings. I know she will always be there for me. the love she showed me listening to me, by tying to understand, and accepting its just clothing nothing more than changes, (I am the same guy whether I wear jeans, work pants, or a skirt) mede our marrige the best thing in my life. give your self the chance to try to see things his way, it might not be all bad.
hope you can choose what makes you happier.
izza
I have been happily married for thirty years, I have been wearing panties, hose, camies, chemise for 40 years. 6 months ago my wife found my stash. We had a long talk I explained why I like wearing it. She understands and has better taste in what I wear than I do, and buys me some nicer things than I bought for myself. All those wasted years
I have been crossdressing since I was 11 yrs. of age. My story however is not sneaking into my sisters or moms stuff. My mother actually started me. At the age of 11 she started putting me in dresses. My first dress was a little girls party dress, it was yellow with a flower print along the hem. It buttoned up the back, so I could not remove it without help. She would only allow me my boys clothing for school use or if I had to go to the doctors office. My dresses continued to grow in number as time passed. By the time I was almost 16, my girls clothing far outnumbered my male clothing. Of course over this 5 yr. period she added other items such as panties, slips, etc. She never got me skirts though. If my friends came over, if they saw the dresses in my closet, I could only assume they thought they were my sisters as they never said anything to me. The only embarassing thing was my mother would have me babysit her friends kids while I was dressed as a girl. If she did take me shopping with her, she would place a wig on me with very light make-up.
I wish my mother had brought me up like yours,my mother travelled with my fathers job and she was away a lot, so i found comfort by wearing my mothers clothes, make up, shoes, earrings and under ware and i have crossdressed all my life, I would love to live 24 -7 as a woman so my doctor has refered me to a gender dysphoria psychologist and i am on the long road to becoming a real woman i am so happy about this so My dreams will come true I live in Tyne & Wear England…..
I’m a 57 year old heterosexual male. I’ve cross dressed intermittently since my late teens, but the roots of the desire go back to my earliest years. I can vaguely remember putting on one of my sister’s satiny slips…and loving the way it felt.
For much of my adult life, my dressing was limited to pantyhose and panties “borrowed” from my wife, but some years ago, I decided I wanted go further into the experience. Since then, I’ve replaced all my “male” underwear with thongs and bikinis, and I have a nice selection of stay ups, panty hose and tights. I under dress daily in thongs and stockings.
Around the house, I started wearing stockings and women’s tank tops, and open toe sandals (moderate and high heeled) . My wife is entirely accustomed to my dressing in this attire at home. I normally wear a little eye make up…just mascara and a touch of lip color.
Just this past year, I started purchasing some dresses – both summer and winter styles, and I wear these when I work from home. I suppose I have 8 outfits now.
Just a few weeks ago, I finally got the courage to buy some breast forms. Although I am not “passable” the addition of very realistic breasts makes me feel more complete, feminine and attractive in my female attire.
Internally, I’m a mash up of attitudes. Clearly, I remain a biological male. I can be as butch as the next guy under some circumstances, but as I’ve moved more towards openly expressing my femininity to my wife, I find I’m maybe a little easier to get along with. And in bed, its a similar situation…while I still fulfill the male role, most often we make love as though we’re both women. It seems to work for us.
Kim
kim you are lucky
I’ve never really come out and said I was a cross dresser until nearly a year ago. I had occasionally worn one or two articles of women’s clothing over the years since I was a kid. Since I didn’t have any sisters, I “fabricated” dresses and the like by cutting up shirts and pants, taping them together to make an outfit in the isolated privacy of my bedroom. Within those four walls, I was at once completely free, yet a complete prisoner. Despite all of this, I never labeled myself a cross dresser, and instead convinced myself that I could stoically rationalize my double life.
In some ways, I feel more shameful saying I am “merely” a cross dresser. Somehow, even after nearly a year of therapy, I feel like it would be “easier” on my friends and family if I said I was transgendered and needed to live fully as a woman. I actually think I would find a tremendous amount of support. But to say I am a cross dresser feels disingenuous to me, and filled with punitive self-criticism.
Such is the war that rages on in my head daily, and has been since I was a child. And while I’ve never gone out in public with make-up, the analogy of putting on a good face and smile to the world could never be truer.
Shar,
it is obvious that you do not love your husband and are merely looking for an excuse to get a divorce. If you knew about it for years and chose to ignore it, but now are making a big issue out of it, don’t expect sympathy from me. So just stop complaining and go get your divorce. So what if he cross dresses? You bitch and whine and complain and he puts up with that. Either get over it or go away, I have no time for whiners.
I concur
hey im 14 and just recently told my sister about my dressing and she told me im not. i want to be open about it so i can wear more than my sisters panties i have all these complex emotions and no one to talk to i fear telling my parents because i dont want them to hate me. please help me.
Hello Destiny,
Fear only ore fear and stress, if you told your sister your parents probably already know. They won’t confront you
and probably decided to let you decide when you want to talk about it. Wait until you have some ALONE TIME with your mom, tell her you need to talk to her. Please include the following in your conversation. 1.) you want to talk to a counselor. 2.) you want to talk to an endocrinologist. These doctors CAN DO test to determine if you are transgendered. 3.) tell her you are still the same person she sees before her only you feel things differently. and 4.) Ask her if you can wear dresses or skirts in your home to relieve you tension.
Tension causes other medical problems including leading to depression. For transgendered persons depression can become DEADLY or DANGEROUS. It could lead to drug or alcohol abuse, and even attempts at suicide. You need an
AVENUE to release these tensions, talk to someone. Call the local crisis number or the national hot line at 1-800-273-8255. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! I have experienced some of which I have mentioned. So please take some advice, do not keep this inside, you need to open up, even if it is with a close friend (male or female).
I’m 38 and have had strong Transgender feelings ever since adolescence, maybe even before. However, I have never indulged in proper crossdressing due to an enormous overwhelming fear of rejection and shame from everyone I know and even everyone I don’t know. Ever since I can remember I would look at girls in envy wishing that I was them so I could wear the same clothes. It was a total conflict. All of this carried on until about a year ago after my new Girlfriend allowed me to try on one of her skirts. She was amazed at how comfortable I looked in it and told me that she loved me in it and has been encouraging me to carry on ever since by giving me clothes she doesn’t want anymore and even buying me new items and wanting me to model for her. She told me that when I don’t wear girls cloths she feels like I’m denying her a part of me. You can not imagine how this made me feel after all of these years denying myself this very real part of me. I broke down and cried! I feel so relieved and it proves to me that she truly loves me for me. I still have an overwhelming fear of letting anyone else know but it’s a start. It hurts me now knowing that I could have done this sooner but it really does seem that I NEEDED PERMISSION from someone I love who I know loves me before I could stop denying myself this very real part of me.
I am 49, I have been dressing since I was 15. The usual sister things left in the bathroom. I really found Maureen when i was a single parent for 6 years, I had a nice wardrobe established and would dress for entire weekends when my son went to my parents. I met my current wife and thought Maureen would fade once I was married; not so much. Maureen is still very much part of my life, but my wife has no use for alternative lifestyles … or for any sex for that matter. My step daughter of 22 knows I dress, she has been wonderful. We go shopping, I dress at her apartment – nothing beyond dressing. She is supportive and encouraging, but we both have this nagging fear her mom (my wife will find out). I have another woman friend from work who knows – she too is supportive, I know several woman who would be fine with a partner dressing – but as much as I love my wife – I can not be all of who I am. I dress when no one is home, or at my daughter’s or when I travel. Who knows where this will go, but I thoroughly enjoy Maureen – she has taught me alot – but i still want to learn more.
Why go on living a lie? A marriage without love and understanding is an emptty marriage. It is like a bottomless
pit that you or anyone else can fill. It is rather obvious that you have feelings for this other woman, but you need to satisfy yourself. Is she really a new love or fulfilling something that has been missing from your life to this point.
Whether it is your mothers’ love, or a sense of loss from some point in your life. Not all marriages are made in heaven, some are tests of our true natures. It is how you handle this test that will determine the path you will go forward on.
In life we have so many double standards. If anyone can remember before women were allowed on television Men played Women and society let it go. Now chaos ensues and marriages get ruined because one side is unwilling or flat out refuses to understand. Women have so many preconseptions of what love is and want way too much out of marriage. Our society has become so caught up in child rapist/molestor mentality that it has brain washed all of us. BE IT KNOWN THAT I ENDORSE CHILD PROTECTION LAWS. However, to put lables on the truely inocent in society is flat out wrong. Couples marriaged/ unmarried can open a world of fun if only they open their minds. I say have some role reversal in your relationships/marriages it will in fact make you both stronger. Divorce and break-up of marriages today is beause of the lack of communication, understanding, openess, and LOVE. If it is okay for women to cry but men not to; we have a problem. REAL MEN CRY! IF THEY DO NOT WE NEED YO CALL THE US DEFENSE DEPT. BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT HUMAN. All women need to learn how to work on cars and all men need to learn how to sew. EMAIL ME WITH YOUR RESPONSE. @klcobbjr77whodatnation@yahoo.com
To Kasey,
I agree with you about role-reversal for married couples.
However, I also think that this should families. Whether they have all boy children or a combination of girls and boys.
In Families boys are treated differently then the girls. They are constantly either directly or indirectly to BE A MAN,
BOYS DON’T CRY, TO BE STRONG and other things. Fathers also if Daughters have problems tend to push them off to the mothers.
I think a complete role-reversal is beneficial. Of course the complete reversal would be having the dress as girls (dresses and skirts & underwear-NO PANTS) and the girls dress as boy (pants, shirts & underwear). This should initially be set for a specific period of time (two weeks/a month), then again at various times of the years. The reason for the latter times is for reenforcement. During this time the boys would do all of the girls chores and the girls the boys chores. Also during this time period all the things the girls would do would fall to the boys (dances, salon appointments etc). By having them swap their roles boys, as well as the girls would get a better understanding of each others feelings, hopes, dreams or whatever.
On one of the TV channels they have a show called trading spaces, where boys make-over girls rooms and girls make-over boys rooms. I’d like to see a reality show where they TRADE PLACES (gender role-reversal). They have shows in Japan and it is a VERY POPULAR show. As a matter of fact it is one of the highest rated shows in Japan. The show is similar to American Idol with people getting voted off of the show. At the end the winners get some major prize. I’ve tried to get some TV producers here to do a similar show here in the states, but have not heard back from them. Of course this was just internet connections, so it is unknown if it even got through.
WOULD YOU AS FAMILY TAKE ON A CHALLENGE LIKE THIS?
If so tell the networks.