It has been my joy to share with you various thoughts and information about crossdressing, and I fully intend to continue posting new content to this blog, and providing a safe place for people to discuss gender identity and the wide spectrum of expression within it.
During the last six months or so I’ve posted to this blog less than I would have liked to though. But this hasn’t been simply because I’ve been too lazy to do so, I’ve been going through a life process that has really required all my attention.
When I came out to my wife, nearly eight years ago, I told her that I felt like a “girl in a boy’s body” and that I had felt this way my entire life. At the time though, I was very hopeful that I wouldn’t need to transition, and I even told her at that point that I didn’t plan on transition. I was hopeful that by being able to be open about my gender identity that it might help alleviate some of the dysphoria I felt about having a male body. But as we talked about it I also had to be honest with her, that I didn’t know for sure that I’d never want to transition from male to female. As we moved forward in our relationship we committed to being open and honest with each other, and just taking one day at a time. After all, we both loved each other, and we decided that if our relationship became difficult that we could work out a way to separate in a way that was fair and respectful for both of us.
It’s funny because when I came out to her I think she had a clearer picture of me than I did. I remember her early on telling me that she felt like I very well might transition one day, whereas I felt less sure about it.
But she was right. The truth is that from the youngest age I can remember I’ve felt like I was sort of trapped in this male body – and as I’ve gotten older, and tried years of different coping mechanisms to try and make this gender incongruence go away, I’ve just found my gender identity still at odds with my body.
I’ve exhausted a lot of different methods for trying to see if I could live my life without transitioning. I’ve looked into various techniques like ECT (electro convlusive therapy, where they electrocute you), so called “Conversion Therapy” where they ‘pray’ away your disorder, and have tried various coping mechanisms myself like distractions, overworking, and outright denial. My coping mechanisms haven’t worked, and both ECT and Conversion Therapy are scientifically baseless and likely cause even deeper emotional damage.
And so that left me with one option, to face the question of transition head on. And so I started that process about two years ago in therapy, working through if I really had to do this in order for me to live a happy and normal life. I started by adding testosterone blockers about a year and a half ago in the hopes this would help, and it has to some degree. But the dysphoria is still there.
And so over the last 8 months I’ve been in therapy addressing the question of transitioning from Male to Female, and at the start of April I added Estrogen to my hormone regimen and started living my life as a woman. The last six weeks of Estrogen have been an interesting and challenging journey for me, and going “full time” (being in ‘girl mode’ all the time) has taken a little getting used to. But despite how challenging it has felt, it’s also been confirming for me, and a beautiful experience.
And so I am in the midst of an incredible journey that I never thought I’d have the courage, nor the strength to undertake.
For now my wife is still by my side; actually she’s my single biggest source of strength in all this, and I don’t think I’d have gotten here without her. But that being said, this isn’t easy for a marriage to endure, and so we truly must take each day one day at a time. For now, we are together, and I think we’re happy.
I will continue to write this blog, and provide insights for people who fall anywhere on the gender spectrum. Actually, my experience in going out and living in female the last few months I think has given me some interesting things to share along the way.
Thank you for visiting and reading this blog. I’m so grateful for the support I’ve received here, and for the opportunity this blog has provided me to write about the complexities of gender.
Lastly, if you are a significant other, or a trans person who is struggling with gender identity you should know that most people who identify as crossdressers don’t feel the need to transition, and never do. Please don’t let my story make you feel that you’re on a path that may not be right for you. Be authentic to yourself, and true to your partner – and the right answers for you will come. They likely will not be the same as those around you.
Image Credit: rosipaw