It’s been nearly six years since I came out to my wife (then girlfriend). But before I came out to her, I think one of the most important and helpful things I did for myself was to find a therapist to talk to. There’s such a stigma attached to mental health, and I was acutely aware of it. When I contacted my therapist the first time to make an appointment I created a separate email account using a false name, and emailed in and asked a few basic questions. I was scared to death that somehow the person I was emailing might know someone I know and that my secret might get out. Of course, now I realize I had nothing to worry about. At the time, I was searching for therapists in “Cognitive Based Therapy” in the hopes that I could be “cured” of my transgender thoughts. Getting “cured” was more important to me than finding someone that had dealt with gender identity issues before, but luckily I did end up getting someone who had worked with the transgender community before.
It doesn’t take long before you realize that therapy is both a lot more simple than you might imagine it to be, and that it’s a lot more helpful than you think it might be as well. In my case, having someone to talk to about my gender identity allowed me to grapple openly with thoughts and feelings I’d been burying for years. My first session was petrifying – even though it was all internal. Holding this king of thing in for 20+ years isn’t healthy. I cried through the session as I explained some of the things I wanted to talk about.
I continued seeing this therapist over a period of about 6 months as I came to terms with my gender identity, and told my wife about it. Having someone I could meet with and discuss things as they came up was so helpful, but eventually I felt I could continue forward without the need for regular appointments, and so the therapist and I parted ways.
Over the last 5 years or so my wife and I have spent time educating ourselves about transgender culture, and I’ve spent time experimenting with her help. Whereas 10 years ago I felt so much fear and shame in the idea of wearing a dress, I semi-regularly will wear a dress around the house the days. I’ve gotten better at putting on makeup, and finding clothes that fit my shape better. I’ve also I think become more appreciative of what my wife does to get ready in the morning, and I think also have become more helpful in pointing out things that look good on her too. While my gender identity I think has altered the standard expectation each of us had going into the relationship, I think in many ways my gender identity has made us a closer and stronger couple.
Recently though I’ve been feeling the need to see a therapist again. As I’m getting into my early 30’s I’ve been noticing some of my more masculine features are “setting in”, and I’ve been noticing what seems to be an increase in my testosterone levels and libido – which for me is undesirable. This feeling of “higher testosterone” has got me thinking about whether or not I should consider seeking medical treatment to lower my testosterone, and consider the benefits and risks of doing so. Some of the things I wonder are:
Is it possible to lower my testosterone in a way that doesn’t present other health risks?
What are the effects of lowering testosterone without adding estrogen?
If estrogen is added, what are my options for continuing to live as a man?
How long can someone undergo HRT (of any kind) before it may start to create problems or side effects?
Will lowering testosterone and/or estrogens improve how I feel, and lower my libido to a comfortable level?
What other side effects might I notice with different methods of treatment?
In order to answer these questions I spent some time researching out various therapists that specialize in transgender and transsexual issues. After going through the list of transgender therapists at Laura’s Playground (which I highly recommend as a starting point) I settled on Katherine Rachlin, who is well known within the transgender community. She isn’t in network for my health insurance, but I do receive some out-of-network mental health benefits through Aetna and just submit the paperwork manually (and pay my deductible, and coinsurance). [Side note: If you can’t find a therapist in your area, please contact some of the therapists on the Laura’s Playground list and ask for referrals in your area. Or post to a transgender forum at crossdressers.com, susans.org, or laurasplayground.com)
I’ve been seeing Dr. Rachlin for several weeks now and have been really happy working with her. Not only is she helping me find answers to my questions, but she has also been a great resource for me in finding new questions and issues to consider as I think about possible treatment. I’ll say it again, having a good therapist who is available and knowledgeable can be so helpful in working through these issues. Dr. Rachlin doesn’t push me, neither does she hold me back – she just helps me work through the questions I have, and provides resources for me when needed to help me figure out what I really want for myself.
In future posts I’ll talk more about the process, and what treatments I’ve discovered and have considered.
Image Credit: stevelyon
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s great to hear about your experiences.
I’ve never actually been to see a Therapist myself, but I can understand how it could be hugely beneficial in coming to terms with your gender identity. Being able to talk to someone openly, without the fear of being judged or causing offence, can really help to surface all of those feelings that are buried deep inside. I truly believe that self-acceptance is one of the biggest, and possibly most important, steps in creating a better life for yourself. Once you’ve tackled this, nothing seems quite as bad.
For me, this was a huge turning point. Once I accepted that this is who I am, I started living. I still face many challenges, but I’m now able to remain positive and deal with them head-on.
I look forward to reading more.
new to these computers. i just logged on with laura’s website this morn.i feel your pain, just as i live your pain. i have been cleared twice in my life by medical personal for sex-reassignment. never having money to go all the way. everyday i arise from the sheets,look in the mirror,get dressed and walk out of the house into the world,as a liar, for not living the way i feel inside. life’s hard enough when people are happy with themselves as a whole. but to throw an extra wrench into the workings of one’s mind, puts stress beyond beliefs. that is until you’ve worn the shoe. everone’s different in their own right.follow your heart n mind. there will be people for whom you come across in your lifetime, who will try to sway your decisions.they will even try to throw god at you, in efforts to change you back.your not going out of your way to hurt anyone, you just are trying to feel better inside your own rights. a therapist will tell you that, if they haven’t already. before you can be happy with other’s, you have to be happy with yourself. finding other’s in your support, will only help you, along your way. i want to take the time to thank-you today, for being you & to have the courage & wisdom to move forward in your life. keep a positive thought, in all you desire. your not out to hurt anyone, your out to be comfortable with who you are. people that try to be negative towards your flight, get rid of them. it’s their choice , to be how they are, just as it’s your own choice, to be who you are or how you feel. they may come back around, after seeing your happiness or they may not. be positive. sincerely renee. new to laura’s, as well as computers in general. thank-you once again