It’s been nearly six years since I came out to my wife (then girlfriend). But before I came out to her, I think one of the most important and helpful things I did for myself was to find a therapist to talk to. There’s such a stigma attached to mental health, and I was acutely aware of it. When I contacted my therapist the first time to make an appointment I created a separate email account using a false name, and emailed in and asked a few basic questions. I was scared to death that somehow the person I was emailing might know someone I know and that my secret might get out. Of course, now I realize I had nothing to worry about. At the time, I was searching for therapists in “Cognitive Based Therapy” in the hopes that I could be “cured” of my transgender thoughts. Getting “cured” was more important to me than finding someone that had dealt with gender identity issues before, but luckily I did end up getting someone who had worked with the transgender community before.
It doesn’t take long before you realize that therapy is both a lot more simple than you might imagine it to be, and that it’s a lot more helpful than you think it might be as well. In my case, having someone to talk to about my gender identity allowed me to grapple openly with thoughts and feelings I’d been burying for years. My first session was petrifying – even though it was all internal. Holding this king of thing in for 20+ years isn’t healthy. I cried through the session as I explained some of the things I wanted to talk about.
I continued seeing this therapist over a period of about 6 months as I came to terms with my gender identity, and told my wife about it. Having someone I could meet with and discuss things as they came up was so helpful, but eventually I felt I could continue forward without the need for regular appointments, and so the therapist and I parted ways.
Over the last 5 years or so my wife and I have spent time educating ourselves about transgender culture, and I’ve spent time experimenting with her help. Whereas 10 years ago I felt so much fear and shame in the idea of wearing a dress, I semi-regularly will wear a dress around the house the days. I’ve gotten better at putting on makeup, and finding clothes that fit my shape better. I’ve also I think become more appreciative of what my wife does to get ready in the morning, and I think also have become more helpful in pointing out things that look good on her too. While my gender identity I think has altered the standard expectation each of us had going into the relationship, I think in many ways my gender identity has made us a closer and stronger couple.
Recently though I’ve been feeling the need to see a therapist again. As I’m getting into my early 30′s I’ve been noticing some of my more masculine features are “setting in”, and I’ve been noticing what seems to be an increase in my testosterone levels and libido – which for me is undesirable. This feeling of “higher testosterone” has got me thinking about whether or not I should consider seeking medical treatment to lower my testosterone, and consider the benefits and risks of doing so. Some of the things I wonder are:
Is it possible to lower my testosterone in a way that doesn’t present other health risks?
What are the effects of lowering testosterone without adding estrogen?
If estrogen is added, what are my options for continuing to live as a man?
How long can someone undergo HRT (of any kind) before it may start to create problems or side effects?
Will lowering testosterone and/or estrogens improve how I feel, and lower my libido to a comfortable level?
What other side effects might I notice with different methods of treatment?
In order to answer these questions I spent some time researching out various therapists that specialize in transgender and transsexual issues. After going through the list of transgender therapists at Laura’s Playground (which I highly recommend as a starting point) I settled on Katherine Rachlin, who is well known within the transgender community. She isn’t in network for my health insurance, but I do receive some out-of-network mental health benefits through Aetna and just submit the paperwork manually (and pay my deductible, and coinsurance). [Side note: If you can’t find a therapist in your area, please contact some of the therapists on the Laura’s Playground list and ask for referrals in your area. Or post to a transgender forum at crossdressers.com, susans.org, or laurasplayground.com)
I’ve been seeing Dr. Rachlin for several weeks now and have been really happy working with her. Not only is she helping me find answers to my questions, but she has also been a great resource for me in finding new questions and issues to consider as I think about possible treatment. I’ll say it again, having a good therapist who is available and knowledgeable can be so helpful in working through these issues. Dr. Rachlin doesn’t push me, neither does she hold me back – she just helps me work through the questions I have, and provides resources for me when needed to help me figure out what I really want for myself.
In future posts I’ll talk more about the process, and what treatments I’ve discovered and have considered.
Image Credit: stevelyon
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s great to hear about your experiences.
I’ve never actually been to see a Therapist myself, but I can understand how it could be hugely beneficial in coming to terms with your gender identity. Being able to talk to someone openly, without the fear of being judged or causing offence, can really help to surface all of those feelings that are buried deep inside. I truly believe that self-acceptance is one of the biggest, and possibly most important, steps in creating a better life for yourself. Once you’ve tackled this, nothing seems quite as bad.
For me, this was a huge turning point. Once I accepted that this is who I am, I started living. I still face many challenges, but I’m now able to remain positive and deal with them head-on.
I look forward to reading more.
new to these computers. i just logged on with laura’s website this morn.i feel your pain, just as i live your pain. i have been cleared twice in my life by medical personal for sex-reassignment. never having money to go all the way. everyday i arise from the sheets,look in the mirror,get dressed and walk out of the house into the world,as a liar, for not living the way i feel inside. life’s hard enough when people are happy with themselves as a whole. but to throw an extra wrench into the workings of one’s mind, puts stress beyond beliefs. that is until you’ve worn the shoe. everone’s different in their own right.follow your heart n mind. there will be people for whom you come across in your lifetime, who will try to sway your decisions.they will even try to throw god at you, in efforts to change you back.your not going out of your way to hurt anyone, you just are trying to feel better inside your own rights. a therapist will tell you that, if they haven’t already. before you can be happy with other’s, you have to be happy with yourself. finding other’s in your support, will only help you, along your way. i want to take the time to thank-you today, for being you & to have the courage & wisdom to move forward in your life. keep a positive thought, in all you desire. your not out to hurt anyone, your out to be comfortable with who you are. people that try to be negative towards your flight, get rid of them. it’s their choice , to be how they are, just as it’s your own choice, to be who you are or how you feel. they may come back around, after seeing your happiness or they may not. be positive. sincerely renee. new to laura’s, as well as computers in general. thank-you once again
“Johns Hopkins University closed its SRS unit because they determined that, just as you wouldn’t perform liposuction on an anorexic patient, it was inappropriate to surgically and permanently alter a person’s anatomy in an attempt to treat what is essentially a mental disorder.”
http://www.citizenlink.org/FOSI/homosexuality/hgeducation/A000010339.cfm
I feel truly sorry for your pain –and your wife’s –and any children if you have them. The cure for the desire to transgender is spiritual –you are created male or female according to the image of God –and His Will. You are lucky to be blessed with a wife who loves you no matter what, but God has forbidden us to give in to such confusion and perpetuate it in our children. I believe that if you seek God’s will for your life, you will succeed at being CONTENT as a male. It is satanic oppression you are undergoing. It is temptation like that which possesses the pedophile –or even the common adulterer. We are to bar the mind’s gateway to sinful thoughts. Dissatisfaction with our given sex is such a thought–and it may be rooted in parental error –surely is, I suspect –but with a wife willing to help you be a MAN, which you ARE, you shouldn’t waste time trying to be like her. It is selfish.
As for weight issues –many of us have them and it has nothing to do with any more than the love of food –yes, self-medication for boredom, for procrastination, for depression- (though the clinically depressed really don’t have interest in anything, including food.)
Barb,
Your comment regarding Johns Hopkins is only partially true. It is true that after being the first major health center to perform SRS operations in the United States that they indeed did stop performing them in the late 70′s. But JH didn’t simply ‘determine’ that changing sex was an inappropriate treatment – it’s not that simple. In the 70′s, and even today there’s much controversy about the study, and the lead physician (one person) who was responsible for stopping the operations. Many physicians now disagree with the interpretation of the study that was cited to close the center.
http://www.baltimorestyle.com/index.php/style/features_article/fe_sexchange_jf07/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_reassignment_therapy#Controversy
But even assuming your charge is correct – that the study was interpreted accurately and suggested JH should close the center, surgeries performed in the 60′s are very different than the process today. It’s clear from subsequent studies that there are some individuals that want the surgery, but do not benefit from it. But there are also many who do benefit from it and are indeed “cured”. The job of a medical professional is to determine who are good candidates, and who are not. To use your own example, we should not ban all liposuction simply because there are some anorexics who seek it, nor should we declare it categorically evil on the same basis.
Even so, the majority of transgender people don’t undergo the surgery anyway.
As to your assessment of me personally I will simply say that you are categorically wrong about my life experience and your judgement inaccurate. If you don’t live in the wrong body you cannot begin to understand or rationalize what it feels like – or what the origin. In my case, I was one of three siblings raised at the same time by the same parents, in a conservative Christian home. My heterosexual parents are each content in their gender, and have been happily married for 35 years. Neither have experienced gender identity disorder.
Neither my brother nor sister have experienced the gender identity I have, both are heterosexual and happy in their biological sex. It is simply not possible my parents ‘accidentally’ made me transgender, while my brother and sister experienced something different.
As a matter of fact, I knew I was in the wrong body before I even knew what sexuality or sexual identity was, before I knew the real differences between men and women. I didn’t become “interested in” being transgender as a result of sexual arousal, or any outside stimulus. This isn’t something that involves decision, it just is. From my earliest memories I felt like I was a girl. My parents didn’t raise me as a girl, nor did they encourage my interest in dolls, or playing house etc. Actually, one of my earliest requests for Christmas was a doll, but my parents responded by getting me a more boy-appropriate teddy bear (which became one of my favorite toys). They didn’t shame me, nor did they encourage me, but they did tell me that dolls are for girls. Something echoed less lovingly by my 1st grade peers when I played house with the girls during recess. Like nearly all transgender individuals, I learned early on that I was safer to try and bury my gender and learn to fake masculinity, and hang out with the boys.
And this is why your criticisms against my wife, my parents, and me just makes no sense. In my case (and for most transgender individuals) we know in our very souls that this isn’t about sexuality or some fetish. I’ve actually never had much interest in sex, and didn’t even experience it until after I was married. In sexuality I am more asexual, than heterosexual – and certainly not homosexual.
Your religious arguments also do not stand for me. You assume your God only makes people “male” or “female” but Jesus Himself disagrees with this position.
In Matthew 19:12, Jesus stated:
“For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.”
While I do agree there are some that may seek out sex change for the wrong reasons (this is well documented and certainly the adult entertainment industry likes to profit from and perpetuate erotica stereotypes), I know there are many who were born from the womb with the inability to function as a sexual male (or female for some) and have no interest in living an inauthentic existence. Whether it’s “between the ears” as you claim, or something else does not matter to me. It is clear that your God makes some people that way, that some make themselves that way, and some have sadly been forced to be that way.
This being said, I do not believe that being transgender is ‘satanic oppression’, but rather the way I was made – I accept this. In contrast I’d say the most painful oppression I have experienced in my life is not as a result of being transgender, but a result of judgement, insult, and ignorance clothed in religion.