The Big Bathroom Dilemma
By far one of the biggest struggles for both crossdressers and trans women is negotiating bathrooms. Bathrooms present a unique dilemma and can be one of the biggest headaches for those of us who do not conform to gender norms. For many, the nerves that surround the bathroom are the main deterrent that keeps the girl inside us from being able to head out for a night on the town. The gendered bathroom space forces us to ask a difficult question: do I enter the men’s or the women’s? When dressed up for a night in girl mode, the answer is not always easy.
Personally the nerves and anxiety I suffered in worrying if I would have access to a restroom could be downright crippling. I cannot count the number of times I turned down a chance to go out with friends because I didn’t know if it would be safe for me to use the bathroom. I too often spent a night at home instead of having fun out with friends because of this nervousness.
This post is not meant to scare you; rather I hope to make you feel safer and more confident when you are out and about. The bathroom can be a scary and dangerous place. Many crossdressers and trans women have suffered violence while using public restrooms. The key is to always watch out for your own safety first. The fact of the matter is that ANYWONE who is perceived as a girl is often seen as a target for violent predators. If you’re dressed like a woman – you need to start thinking like one. Always be aware of your surroundings. Be smart and be safe.
Here are my top five tips for how to make the bathroom trip safer and less nerve-wracking.
1. Attend LGBTQ Events
One of the earliest times I went out dressed up as a woman was to a local drag show. Drag shows usually take place in local gay bars and they usually provide a safe atmosphere for crossdressing, gender bending, and all manner of non-normative behavior. In these environments, you should have no problem using either bathroom. You should be free to pee in peace.
2. The Decision: Men’s Or Women’s
Unfortunately not every event is a LGBTQ safe space. Sometimes you will have to choose between the men’s and women’s rooms. My choice was usually based on my own personal safety. For the most part if I felt safe in the men’s room, I would use it (especially when I first starting going out in public). However, if I didn’t feel safe for whatever reason in the men’s room, I would use the women’s. If I was presenting as female and was dressed up wearing obviously female clothing (skirt or a dress) – the women’s restroom usually felt like the safest option. I was still nervous going into the women’s restroom – but at least I knew I would be more safe than using the men’s room while wearing a skirt.
2. Make Sure The Coast Is Clear
No matter if you choose to use to the men’s or the women’s restroom, you should always be cognizant of the situation. Be cautious and smart. As I mentioned before, you should always have your wits about you. If you see a big buff scary trucker enter the men’s room, it may not be the safest time to visit the men’s room. Likewise if you see a mother of two take her children into the bathroom – you might wait a few minutes. The best advice somebody told me was to try to use the restroom when it’s not in use. There is nothing worse than entering the women’s restroom as a crossdresser and then having to stand around waiting for an open stall making small talk –especially if you are not confident in your ability to pass. I always try to make sure there will be an open stall that I can quickly duck into before I enter the bathroom.
(Continued below...)3. Buddy Up
This is one of the safest, easiest, and best routes – especially when you are first starting to go out while dressed up. Take a friend to the bathroom for you. They can provide support if you are nervous, but they also can help you make sure the coast is clear. A good friend can also be a valuable ally for you you: standing up for your right to use the restroom if somebody does try to confront you. Besides – lots of ladies go to the bathroom with a friend, so you wont be out of place.
4. Take A Deep Breath… And Go For It.
Take a deep breath, girl up, and just go in. At a certain level as with many aspects of this journey you sometimes have to “just do it.” You can only stand outside the door being nervous for so long. So just open the door, be confident, and walk in like you know what you’re doing. Girl, act like you belong.
5. Find A Gender-Neutral Restroom
This is by far my favorite tip. There’s more to the world than gendered restrooms. Many establishments have a unisex bathroom that is available. Not every place you go will have one, but gender-neutral restrooms are becoming more and more popular. Sometimes you have to look for them because they are not the most obvious choice. Often the unisex restroom doubles as a handicap accessible bathroom. In many sports stadiums, stores, and airports there are single stall “family restrooms” that can be used as a unisex option.
A really great resource (if you have a smart phone) is the iphone app TranSquat . The application is pretty cheap and is well worth the investment. Besides the money goes to a good cause – A transgender man trying to finance his top surgery. TranSquat operates off a user-generated database of gender-neutral restrooms. The more people who use it – the quicker the resource database will grow. Anytime I find a unisex restroom I add it to the database, hoping it will help somebody in need down the road. If you do not have an iphone, you can access an online database for free at Safe2Pee.org. You can use this to map out your night and find where safe and accessible restrooms will be located
Well those are my 5 best tips. What are yours? How do you negotiate the bathroom situation when you are out on the town? Also, Do you have any interesting stories that happened when you were dressed up and attempting to find or use a public bathroom?
Share your stories and tips in the comments below!
photo credit: denverjeffrey
I’ve had several humorous (after the fact!) experiences. The most troubling was during an afternoon shopping trip in downtown Chicago. Just being out in broad daylight on a busy weekday afternoon was trying enough. Then the urge hit me! I needed to pee and pronto! My first choice was a McD’s but I would’ve had to wait in line to ask for the key. My second choice was the upscale department store across the street. Unfortunately, I had no idea where the bathrooms were. So, quick find a salesgirl. I happened to be passing the jewelry counter and the girl wasn’t busy. “Excuse me, miss! Where’s the restroom?” She replied, “the men’s restroom is downstairs, and the women’s is upstairs along the back wall by luggage.” I don’t think I passed as well with her as I had hoped, but I had no time to worry about it. I rushed to the escalator and prayed that I wouldn’t pee right there. With as little flurry and commotion as I could manage, I found the ladies room, grabbed the handle and charged in. To my surprise there were like 10 stalls in this old ’50s style marble bathroom. I rushed toward the fourth stall, which was the first one who’s door was ajar. I did my business and listened for the sounds of other women. Nothing! I was relieved. I finished. Went to the sink and washed my hands. Took a quick glance at my makeup. Then the door opened! I pretended to be touching up my makeup a few extra seconds. I put my powder back in my purse, turned and walked out. For the briefest of seconds the woman who had entered, a tall thin middle-aged woman, glanced over at me as we passed. I didn’t stick around to see what she would say. I just walked out and made my way as discreetly as I could to the nearest exit and went about the rest of my day.
Glad everything worked out for you and you made it out without any hassle. Most of the time having some confidence will do wonders for you!
Thanks Misty! That was a long long time ago and I’ve come a long way since then. But that was definitely a day for the record books. I got “clocked” more than a few times that day, but I had the resolve to keep my chin up and go about my day as lady-like as I could manage. I’m considering turning the whole story start to finish into a novel. A kind of transgendered Finigan’s Wake.
BTW: If you want, get in touch with me, I’d like to offer my help as a copy editor for this site.
I started going out in public for the first time earlier this month, and I also had to deal with the restroom problem. Luckily, fat girls in dresses are virtually invisible in this culture – so I headed into the Ladies’ with no problem. One time, I even had the dreadful line and the ‘sit or squat’ problem – and after waiting for a couple of minutes – walked away, and found a cleaner toilet elsewhere….
If one acts like one is supposed to be there, do one’s duty, then gets out quickly – no one will notice. But one moment of hesitation will screw things up. So act the role, and you will be believed in it. People have a vested interest in doing so….
Exactly!
My first time was at a casino, my first mistake was showing my ID to the door security, he didnt ask for it,but I thought he would,(my millitary ID), he just looked at it and said good luck ladies, at the time I was yunger and passed eazier , anyway nature called ,my wife came with me and there wasnt anyone ine the ladies room! But as Iwalked out,A secuerity guared was outside the door talking on her radio, she didnt say a word. I think back now and think that they probably thought I was a card shark or somthing,but since we didnt play cards, just slots they left us alone,and nobody else paid us any mind. so be confadint and act like you belong. Have a great day!
All good advice. I have not been out that much but when I was first venturing out the door I was quite flummoxed as to where to go. Out of need or fear or whatever, I would get back in my car and find a remote area and water the plantings on the side of the road.
Not very lady like but when you gotta go you gotta go.
Pat
My name is Lori and I am a male to female pre-op transsexual. I live full time as a female and I have never had any trouble using the ladies room. During my early years of transitioning I can remember being nervous about which bathroom to use. One time I went to the men’s room and the men in there told me I was in the wrong rest room. Another time I stopped at a McDonald’s to use the rest room and went into the men’s room and an employee told me I was in the wrong rest room. So, it has always been easy for me to use the ladies room. Now I never use the men’s room and I never have any trouble. The women that come in while I am in there just smile and we go about our business. I have read that some crossdressers and transsexuals welcome gender neutral rest rooms that are built for transgenders. I do not welcome it. I feel if someone presents as a female they should use the ladies room. In my opinion it is disrespectful to have to use a different rest room like I have read that some work places have put in a separate rest room for transgenders. That is sooo wrong!! I mean no one is going to see your genitalia anyway in their. You are in a stall. Who is going to see your genitals? You come out of the stall fully dressed so it shouldn’t affect anyone. Some of you here mentioned having confidence. Yes! That helps tremendously. If you don’t have confidence I will tell you keep your eyes straight, look at no one, don’t hesitate and just head for an empty stall. Don’t walk too fast though. You don’t want people to think you stole something if you are in a store and you don’t want to being any attention to yourself. The more you are out and about the more confident you will get and the more compliments you will get. If you are able go to a gay bar where there are others like yourself. There you can use the ladies room safely and use that as practice for when you are somewhere else. Regarding what Pat said, it is not very safe to urinate outside. There could be police passing by, if it’s dark you may not see that house that’s a stone’s throw away and someone may hear you and come out to investigate or call the police. In my opinion it is safer to pee yourself in your car than it is to pee along side a road at anytime. Also, if you live in the city that’s not practical. I guess I am lucky that I never had trouble using the ladies room.