Today, November 20, marks the 10th annual Transgender Day Of Remembrance.

It is a day for us to come together as a community and mourn the hundreds of deaths inflicted on our friends, neighbors, and fellow humans by transphobic acts and in the United States and around the world. A way to memorialize people like Larry (Lavern) Turner, who was shot by LAPD officers in March of 1970; Stella Essie (Jerome Brent) who took a sledgehammer to the head in Chicago in 1985; an unnamed infant with ambiguous genitalia strangled to death by hir own mother in Texas in 1999. The names and murders of these and over 400 other victims can be found here. Read each name, mourn them, and try to remember just one. Lock that name inside your heart and carry it with you. This name could be you. Or me. Or anyone you know. Be mindful of the past and hopeful for a future where people are free to bloom into who they are without fear of violent rebuke, without hatred.

Today I am mourning my friend Will Liberi, my first transgender friend, who taught me so much about gender identity and the importance of loving yourself. Today I also mourn the death of Latiesha Green (Moses Cannon), who was shot to death while riding in a car with her brother, Mark, just last Friday, November 14 in Syracuse, NY. Mark survived — the bullet only grazed his arm — but Latiesha was hit in the chest. She was only 22.

There is an amazing power that comes from mourning as a community. Candlelight vigils are being held around the world today, and in many of the 50 states. Visit TransgenderDOR.org to see if there is one near you. If there isn’t, take heart in knowing that thousands of people are reading these names today, sharing our pain and our hopes for a better world.

Perhaps you’ve been wanting to break out your other half more often — at the super market or that new martini bar downtown — but have been nervous about what could happen if you have a run-in with some bigots or a police officer. Recently we spoke with Michael Silverman, executive director of the Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund, who answered some questions about a range of dangerous cross-dressing scenarios — and what you can do to protect yourself.

The Girl Inside: What are the basic rights of a cross-dresser in the United States?
Michael Silverman: We have a patchwork of federal, state and local laws in the United States that may protect men who cross-dress. There really aren’t particular federal laws that address this issue but there are a number of local laws that specifically provide protection based on gender identity and gender expression — and really gender expression is the key here in this question. … There’s not one [law] that I can point to and say, “Wow this is going to afford everyone the same protection across the country.” Really it depends where you live…

There are different federal laws that protect people, for example, on the basis of sex. Some of those laws have been interpreted to include concepts of sex stereotyping, which is judging people based on stereotyped notions of what we expect traditional gender roles to be. Arguably someone who’s cross-dressing could be protected in that way, but there have been cases for people who identify as transsexual — some have succeeded, some have failed. So again, even under this federal law which applies across country, there’s not uniform application. Depending on where people live there’s more, there’s less, there’s no protection depending on what the courts said. I haven’t seen any of those cases on this question of sex discrimination applying to transgender people being used for the subset that we’re talking about here, which is men who crossdress. So I would say we are looking more toward local ordinances for this particular population. That means state or local.

TGI: Which states are the most TG-friendly and why?
MS: I believe there are 13 states now and … there are closer to 250 or 300 municipalities that include protections from discrimination on the basis of gender identity and expression. So New York City for example, with 8 million people, has a very strong local human rights law which protects people from discrimination on the basis of gender identity and expression. I don’t think there’s a human rights law in the county that’s been more powerfully utilized than New York City’s. And so certainly that is at or near the top of the list of places that protect people from discrimination.

Image Credit: Ms. Katie

TGI: What happens if I get pulled over by a police officer while in drag*?
MS: Once upon a time, 20 or 30 years ago, there used to be laws on the books that said wearing three or more articles of clothing of the opposite gender was cause for arrest. … There are millions of laws in this country. I’m not aware that those [laws] exist anymore or that there’s any enforcement of that. That said, for someone who’s cross-dressing, it often depends on what their status is in terms of how open they are about cross-dressing. Because there are lots of issues that arise. If you’re arrested, who’s going to find out? Who might you need to call? Etc. etc. So we’re dealing with situations where people might be concerned about being outed.

That doesn’t mean the police are necessarily going to out someone. It might mean that they need to call someone for a ride from the police station, they might need to call someone to make bail if they are arrested or something like that, whatever the reason for the stop, if it’s something related to criminal activity during the arrest. We have certainly seen cases of hostility toward people who are cross-dressing by police officers so one always needs to be concerned in those situations.

Another thing to think about if this stop is resulting in an arrest is what are the conditions of confinement going to be? That is, if you’re arrested and you’re a male cross-dresser, you’re more likely than not going to be put in a male holding cell. How safe are you going to be there? There are definitely vulnerabilities for people who are cross-dressing when it comes to interacting with law enforcement.

TGI: Do you have any advice regarding flying in drag?* For example, I’ve heard of some people who didn’t want to pack their breastforms in case they got stolen or damaged, so they just wore them. Is this a good idea?
MS: There is nothing in the law that bars someone from flying while cross-dressing. But … assuming that they have ID where they appear male, there’s going to be a disconnect between the identification and the way they are presenting. So they should be prepared for questions about that.

There could be two things going on there. 1) It could be causing discomfort for the person who’s questioning, say the security employee, so they may be acting in a hostile or unpleasant way. 2) They may legitimately not be clear on your identity: ‘You’re showing me an ID that doesn’t look anything like the person I’m seeing. What am I supposed to do? Who are you and why do you have this ID?’ And so someone may need to explain that.

…You should not anticipate being detained or arrested or anything like that. There’s nothing illegal about it. There’s nothing that says that you can’t grow out your hair and decide to wear makeup or have your eyebrows waxed or all these things that might feminize your appearance. Accept, when all of them come together and you’re wearing breasts and your license doesn’t have any of that, you’re going to have to address the confusion.

TGI: What can I do if I am harassed?
MS: There are so many laws and so many jurisdictions that are different, apply differently, have different scopes of protection. We would tell people to call us. We can do the research and figure out what’s the law in the place where this is happening. What are the possible remedies, where’s the right agency to complain to if that’s a possibility and things like that. So,

1. Call Transgender Legal Defense, because that’s what we’re here to do.
2. Keep records. Right as you’re being harassed, whether it is on the job, whether it’s in your apartment building, whether it’s at a bar or restaurant, or in a health care facility, you want to keep accurate records: Who’s doing it, what’s happening, where is it happening, when is it happening. If there are any details that you can document about what’s going on, if there’s anything written, keep it. If there are phone messages, keep them. All of this stuff can be useful to a group like ours, or lawyers who work for us later on, when we’re looking to see if there’s something that we can do to help make this stop. … Document, document, document everything if you find yourself in this [harassment] situation. There’s really nothing better than what we call “contemporaneous records,” records that you’re keeping as it happens.

TGI: How can I know if it’s safe to cross-dress at work without being fired?
MS: Again, that depends on the workplace.

1. Find out the law in your jurisdiction. Are you in one of those jurisdictions, like New York City, that protects people from discrimination based on gender expression?
2. Follow the dress code. Are you willing to satisfy the dress codes for the opposite sex? For example, … the women’s dress code may say no long nails, no makeup, no skirts. It depends on the job and it could be all sorts of things. Cross-dressing in the workplace means you are willing to satisfy dress codes for the opposite gender. It doesn’t mean you can throw dress codes out the window.
3. Talk to your employer about it. You want to try to minimize disruption in the workplace.

There are plenty of places where there’s not going to be protection for doing that [cross-dressing at work]. You want to be careful because you could be fired. And you could be fired without a whole lot of redress. … In some places, even under federal law, you can fire someone who is transgender. You want to find out what your protections are.

TGI: This question is a bit late for the presidential election, but can cross-dressing at the polls keep me from voting?
MS: Cross-dressing at the polls can cause some of the same confusion we talked about for example at the airport. … It is not supposed to be able to prevent you from voting, but I think it can cause problems that you have to be prepared to deal with. … If you don’t look like the gender they are expecting to see, you should anticipate some push-back. But again there’s no rule that you have to present as a particular gender in order to vote at all. So my advice is not, “Don’t cross-dress when you want to go vote,” but be prepared for these things. Be prepared to show whatever forms of ID you have that document who you are or simply explain this. Because honestly, you explain this to someone and they take their double-take look and they realize, “Oh, OK,” and that’s supposed to be the end of it. You should not be denied the opportunity to vote.

TGI: What else should CD men be on the look-out for?
MS: I think one that’s a big one is Stuff You Didn’t Prepare For. And within the Stuff You Didn’t Prepare For category, let’s say you’re out cross-dressing one night and something happens to you and you end up in the hospital. What happens there? You’re brought to the hospital, looking female, and whether you pass as female or you don’t, whether you’re awake or not awake, there may be a moment where the doctors and nurses and hospital staff figure out that you’re not female, you’re male. And are there instances of discrimination when this happens? Of course there are! And is it illegal in certain jurisdictions? It is very much illegal for a hospital or for any health care provider to behave in a discriminatory manner. And that’s not an arena where people often realize that there’s discrimination that goes on, that people may not want to serve you because you’re a cross-dresser. And that does happen and we get a lot of calls about it. And so I always liked to emphasize that the health care setting can be awkward.

For example, you’re sitting in the emergency room and you’re cross-dressed and they called out your real name to which you were brought into the hospital and suddenly the whole room knows you’re cross-dressing and some people may not care, but some people do. And certainly in an ideal world, one wants a little bit of control over when one comes out to people. In this setting, sometimes you lose that control.

Michel Silverman and the TLDEF combat discrimination against transgender people wherever it arises. If you believe that you’ve been discriminated against because of your gender identity or expression, contact them.

*For further reading on being pulled over and flying in drag, check out The Girl Inside’s recommended reading:

Getting Pulled Over (Crossdressers.com)
Flying enFemme (Crossdressers.com)
Transgender Legal Information

A wealth of non-fiction for crossdressers and their loved ones has slowly crept into bookstores since the early ‘90s, providing stories, secrets and academic dissections on what it means to be a crossdressing man in our society. Listed below are six of the most helpful, thought-provoking, and entertaining titles out there. Best of all, you can grab all these books online or in stores like Barnes & Noble… and a few, like Vested Interests: Cross-dressing and Cultural Anxiety by Marjorie Garber, might even be waiting for check-out at your local library. (I know I was pleasantly surprised to see it there!) Better get cracking — you have some catching up to do!

My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser
“My Husband Betty” by Helen Boyd is an honest, tender discussion with readers about her marriage to Betty, her crossdressing husband. She tries to capture a realistic snapshot of the struggles they face together both among each other and as a united front out in the transphobic (and sometimes oddly accepting) world. In a way this is a book for wives and girlfriends, but crossdressers can glean much from anecdotes of their early dates and day-to-day living (like confronting a gay man at a Halloween party who refused to believe her husband in drag was in an exclusive, monogamous and heterosexual relationship with her). Beyond the stories and advice, “My Husband Betty” also offers an appendix of national advocacy groups like GenderPAC, publications such as Transgender Tapestry, and vacations and conferences for the gender-fearless family. Seriously, read it.

Miss Vera’s Cross Dress for Success: A Resource Guide for Boys Who Want to Be Girls (Paperback)
Sex journalist Veronica Vera has reached across the far corners of the Internet to bring you a published how-to guide with tips on everything from make-up and hair-removal to a candid, practically pornographic, comprehensive sex education course. It’s a complete guide not only for the men among us but the ultra-femme bio queens who share the same passion for fashion and gender as performance. She gets points for presentation, writing each chapter as if she were teaching a class at a brick-and-mortar finishing school, but promotes that “ideal” crossdresser that we don’t all strive to be throughout. It’s hard to break a stereotype when you play to one so faithfully, but maybe everyone should try the mold just once before they break it.

My Gender Workbook: How to Become a Real Man, a Real Woman, the Real You, or Something Else Entirely (Paperback)
This. Is. My. Favorite. Book. Ever. If I ever taught a class on sex and gender, I would hand every student a copy of Kate Bornstein’s “My Gender Workbook.” This is almost the anti-Vera, presenting quizzes, diagrams, and other interactive strategies to help you find your own unique gender in an endless pool of gender possibilities. Her analysis of the gender binary and her focus on learning to operate outside of gender is absolutely freeing. If this workbook doesn’t ease the tumult of questions, concerns and curiosities that keep you up at night, nothing will. It’s like a good therapist with unlimited sessions for an iota of the price (I got my copy for $25 at Oscar Wilde in NYC. Amazon.com lists used copies for as low as $13).

The Lazy Crossdresser
All accounts of this book praise author Charles Anders’ approach to crossdressing as a way for men to simply enjoy wearing women’s clothing. It’s not about looking like a woman per se, but about looking damn good in women’s apparel. Anders illustrates the power that clothing has both to liberate and oppress us. Like the other books on this list, The Lazy Crossdresser offers practical advice and points to a variety of gender-bending resources. He makes crossdressing comfortable, easy and light-hearted all in a realistic world where the hobby/lifestyle has its dangers. Best-suited to the casual crossdresser.

Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women, and the Rest of Us
Yes, two Kate Bornstein books on one list! “Gender Outlaw” precedes the workbook by four years and is a more direct and personal field guide to the transgender world, haled by the Washington Blade as “The first book of gender theory written by a transgendered person.” I’m not sure that’s true — I think Leslie Feinberg was probably writing before 1994 — but this is a digestible 250-page romp through the things you probably deal with every day and the things you’ve never even thought about. And, because it’s Kate Bornstein, it’s hilarious! Sleep with this one under your pillow and you’ll ooze gender theory — impressive at parties, trust me.

My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing from the Perspective of a Wife
This is an excellent book to have on hand for “the conversation” with your wife if you are telling her for the first time about your cross dressing. It is an easy and relatively quick read, and covers the CD and TG issue well. It is an excellent book for discussion, though some criticize it for not being as “in depth” as some of the other books on the topic.

The following books are currently out of print or hard to find, but come highly recommended by John and Scott at The Lavender Inkwell Bookshoppe, my favorite gay and lesbian bookstore in Syracuse, New York. Try asking for these titles at your local gay or used bookstore:

Alice in Genderland: A Crossdresser Comes of Age by Richard J. Novic

How To Be A Woman Though Male

The man in the red velvet dress : inside the world of cross… by J. J. Allen

Blending Genders: Social Aspects of Cross-Dressing and Sex-Changing by Richard Ekins

Shortly after I found out that my husband was a crossdresser, I was watching TV and ran across the movie Normal starring Tom Wilkinson and Jessica Lange. I sat and watched it, and promptly felt sorry for myself. I had tears running down my face, and felt I truly understood what the characters were going through. Except for the minor fact that my boyfriend, now husband, wasn’t/isn’t interested in getting a sex change.

This is part of the problem of discovering that your spouse is a crossdresser. You automatically assume two things.

1. You believe that they are gay. Based upon my observations and things that I have read/watched about the crossdressing community, it is hard for me to lump being gay and liking to wear women’s clothes in the same category. I know gay men that come across as very masculine (so much so it is hard to know that they are gay until they say so), and others who appear to act more feminine. It’s true that there are nuances of both in each community, but it doesn’t mean that we can assume that either community automatically takes on aspects of the other. So, we can’t automatically assume that homosexuals like to wear women’s clothes, and neither can we assume that crossdressers want to be in homosexual relationships.
2. You believe that they want to be the other sex. This is so impossible to be true. It would be like saying that women who wear pant suits want to be men, but not very many people believe or say that because it has become culturally normal for women to crossdress in this way (and in other ways, but that’s another subject for another time). Yes, it is possible that your crossdresser wants to be the opposite sex, but even people who are dyed in the wool transgendered don’t always want to have sexual reassignment surgery.

Why don’t I believe these anymore? Well, we got the gay question out of the way in the beginning. He’s interested in women, and primarily he’s interested in me. Based upon my relationship and history with him, I have no reason to distrust him on this.

On the second, I’ll admit that there are still days that I wonder if he’ll ever want the surgery, but even if it were the case it isn’t the case now. I am in a solid marriage with someone who is my partner. Sure, it will be strange for me if he has the surgery, but if that happens we’ll tackle it when we get there. I imagine spending my entire life with this person because I’m committed to having a full and happy life with him. If he eventually becomes she, then I hope it will be okay. I hope I will be able to see past the vagina and boobs and see the person who is and has been my best friend.

I’m reminded of a book that I read a while back called My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd. The author wrote a candid book about crossdressing and how it didn’t mean that her husband would want a sex change. Later I saw her do an interview with her husband on a talk show where he admitted that he wanted to live full time as a woman. This may be unfortunate for her (and I do not know how she feels about this now), but I want to point out that her situation is unique, and that sex change operations do happen, but they are rare. Your husband or boyfriend may only like to dress up on occasion and that will be enough for him. He may dress up more frequently, but it is still enough. Your man very likely wants to stay a man.

I still think about that movie sometimes. It was a heart-wrenching film to watch, but it is just a film. It is not my situation, and it is probably not yours. But make sure you sit down with him and discuss these things. If you are really worried that he is gay or will want a sex change, try to have an honest heart to heart on these matters. He may not know that you have these fears, so it is good to be open about them so you can both understand where the other stands.

Did/do you experience any other doubts or feelings other than the two I mentioned?

“Do not do this” she says to the guys, and later says “I would lose all kinds of respect for you.” She then goes on to clarify her thoughts by saying “I would stop sharing an office with you Mike”, while the two guys continue lauging uncomfortably. See the entire sexist CNN video for yourself.

Image credit: CNN Video.

What I found most ironic was that these comments were coming from a woman who herself says she wears pants (which is certainly male attire, no?). This is the kind of conversation we could expect to hear maybe 60 years ago from some male commentators talking about women who want to wear “mens clothes” right? The fact is, that Mantyhose isn’t even a female product, it’s made exclusively for men!

I suppose it comes down to this idea that men feel they have to be on constant guard to defend their masculine identity against any kind of feminization of themselves because being, acting, or owning anythng feminine will result in insult and make them less respectable. Just like the women who were brave enough to wear “pants” in their day despite the sexism and fear - I hope that transgendered people will be able to liberate men (and women as well) from this crazy idea that femininity is below masculinity. It looks like we won’t be getting any help from the mainstream media.

I feel so sorry for any transgendered person who works at CNN. It must be a horrible place to work with this kind of gender phoebia, and old style thinking that seems to pervade the culture there.

Come on – think about it. The girl that was a tomboy. The boy that liked pink instead of blue. The woman that shunned makeup. The man that was metrosexual.

Gender is a varied thing. Just because you may have the right parts doesn’t mean that you’re completely corresponding with what society says is a real man. Even the culture you’re in sees gender differently than other cultures. In some cultures it is manly to kiss each other, and in others that’s “gay”. Some cultures depend on a matriarchal model, with the women in power, and others insist on men making all the decisions both politically and in the home.

Transgenderism is about identifying with another sex or not identifying very much or at all with the genitalia you were born with. We put so much emphasis upon the physical package that we don’t give people leeway to be themselves, and who they are – who we are - is more than what is below the belt.

Do you ever hear some women say, “God, I hate women. Too much estrogen.”? You have just heard a woman put down her own sex, her own “category”. Why is she doing this? Because she does not fully identify with a specific stereotype of woman or femaleness. Does she also say that she hates men? It’s possible. Why? Because it is considered acceptable in our culture to put men down, and it also could be because she does not fully identify with a specific stereotype of man or maleness. Her identity is partly made up of how she views the sexes, or rather, the people around her. She does not feel fully female or male. She is transgendered, and isn’t even aware of it.

It’s likely you’ve met many people like this. Always complaining about their own sex, and preferring to spend time with people who are toned down versions of what their sex is stereotypically supposed to be or with the opposite sex. Yet we think nothing of it because these actions are not what we would consider blatantly transgendered behaviors.

Yes, transgenderism is typically considered to be more of an overt or extreme state of being, but when you think about what people like – pink or blue, white wine vs. red wine, meat and potatoes or caviar and foie gras, form fitting and tailored clothes or grungy, baggy clothes – gender is not so clear any longer.

It’s easy from a scientific or biological point of view to lump everyone into these two categories of male and female, but we are more than our physical selves. We are spiritual and emotional beings, and each of us is unique in how we present ourselves to the world. Even our definitions of masculinity or femininity are so varied that you would be hard pressed to find two people that agree entirely with the other’s perception of what those mean.

This is transgenderism. It means I am not going to be lumped into a category (although I suppose you could say I just lumped myself into the “transgender” category). It means I am more than my gender and that I am unique. It means that I am a shade of gray. It means I am everything and anything. It means that the possibilities are endless for how I perceive myself and how you perceive me. I am both masculine and feminine. I transcend gender.

I also like pink, enjoy wearing makeup, and happen to really love dresses right now.

Open my eyes that I may see the beauty around me…
Open my ears so I may hear the sounds of creation…
Open my mouth that I may speak the joy of my heart…
Open my smell so I may stop and sniff the roses…
Open my hands so I may be more accepting of others!

(© 2008 by Bob L. all rights reserved A LIFE IN THE DAY vol. 2 by Bob L’Aloge aka: Roberta Llyan.)

For some people, finding out that their spouse or lover is a transgendered person or a crossdresser can be a shock. People who have been married for years, say 20 plus years, can feel betrayed and disappointed. For others, it can be a small deal or even a positive outcome to what might have been an emotionally charged first conversation.

You may have already been told that your loved one is a crossdresser, but if not – if you suspect it – here are ways that you can react or cope with the news.

Listen. This is one of the most stressful conversations your significant other will likely ever have, let alone that it is with you. By telling you this they are likely telling you their last secret, the final thing that you may not know about them. This is about them. Yes, it is about you, too, but you have not had to live with the lifetime feelings of guilt or “otherness” that they may have likely experienced their entire lives. Make sure you respect that and listen to what they need to say to you.

Try not to be accusatory. You may feel like you have been betrayed. This is normal. At the same time, though, it doesn’t help you or them if you make accusatory statements and say things that you will later regret. Instead of asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” say, “I am hurt that you did not tell me sooner, but I appreciate knowing.” It is important that they understand how you feel, but ultimately it is your choice how you choose to let that information affect you, there will be plenty of time for both of you to express your feelings. They are not telling you because they want to leave you, they are telling you because they trust you.

Ask questions. This will likely be one of the most revealing and memorable moments of your relationship. Just know that these first conversations can end up making your relationship so much deeper so ask them if they are comfortable with you asking them questions if you are curious about their reasons for crossdressing. Again, make sure your questions are not accusatory and respect them as a human being.

Understand that they are not gay (or straight if you’re already in a homosexual relationship). There is a definite difference between someone being transgendered or a crossdresser and being gay. Often “transgendered” is lumped into the same category of gender issues as gay, lesbian, and bi-sexual (LGBT = lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, and transgendered), but transgendered is not about a person’s sexual orientation. It is about how they view their gender and what sex, if any, with which they identify. True, some gay people are transgendered, and some transgendered people are gay, but it’s more than likely that this person loves you and is telling you because they love you, are attracted to you, and want to be with you. Less than 1 in 10 of crossdressers have any interest in the same sex, the vast majority are hetereosexual.

Ask for some time to adjust. If this news makes it hard for you to see your lover in a different way, tell them that you need some time to adjust and accept your new reality of knowing this information. They may have just changed your perspective on what may or may not be culturally acceptable for gender, so ask them to show you the same respect as you have shown them by letting you think about this news and information a while. It is okay to take it slow - you deserve that and they will likely be willing to go slow with you.

See a counselor, and seek more information. If you feel that you need to talk to someone else about this, you can talk to a trusted friend first, but you may want to seek out a counselor instead. Be sure that you see a counselor that specializes in gender issues, because just like medical specialties, there are psychiatric/psychological specialties and some doctors will be more knowledgeable than others on crossdressing and transgenderism (look for words like “gender dysphoria” as well). It may also be advantageous for the two of you to go see a counselor together. There are also numerous websites, support groups, and books that can help you gain a better understanding. It’s worth taking some time to become knowledgable on the subject.

Make an effort to accept. Even if you are uncomfortable, try to take baby steps. Don’t be afraid to ask your spouse to take it slow, but be open to seeing this person dressed how they like, or to assist with manly or womanly things that you have typically thought was solely yours in the relationship. Understand, though, that you both have different tastes and they may not have the same style or approach you do as a man or woman. There’s a tendancy to think that “this changes everything”, but most of the time when it comes right down to it only a few small things change - most people realize that it isn’t as big a deal as they originally imagined.

Find out if this goes beyond crossdressing. Some couples experience crossdressing in their relationship in a very minimal way. It can be weeks or months before your partner chooses to crossdress again. There are other couples that experience this more frequently, and yet others who come to the realization that this is not just about crossdressing – this is a need to actually become the other sex (only a tiny fraction of cross-dressers truely want a sex change). If you both want to stay in this relationship, you need to determine if you are willing to stick it out. If you are a woman and you find out your husband wants to be a woman, staying with her will not make you a lesbian, and vice versa if you are a man. You married this person for sexual reasons, but you also married them because they (hopefully) fulfilled you intellectually and emotionally - your connection is deeper than just the surface. These kinds of relationships work for some people, and not for others - but it will take time for you to determine if it works for you. You can learn to broaden your horizons if you want to stay together for the rest of your lives.

Be supportive. Whether it is helping them pick out makeup or clothes, or just being their rock, you should be there to support them. What they are looking for is acceptance, and more than anything they want to know that they have your support and can depend on you. It may not be easy, but eventually you may be able to offer them all the support they need.

Understand it is okay to leave. You may feel a lot of guilt at not being able to accept this new situation, if it is truly different than what you are used to, but for some people it is hard to marry the idea of what you are comfortable with in a relationship with what has fundamentally changed for you. It is not easy to leave this person behind, but make sure you are doing it because you have tried your utmost to make it work. It is unfair for you to leave if you haven’t tried to understand or make it work. At least put your best foot forward and give it some time genuinely trying to understand your spouse.

Crossdressing is most of the time a private matter. Realize that your spouse likely doesn’t want others to know about their cross dressing. There is an immense pressure especially put on men who act in any way “girly” their entire lives - your spouse likely does not want others to know, and honestly you probably don’t either because of the social stereotypes. Whether or not you choose to stay with this person, it is important that you do not talk to anyone else about their transgenderism or crossdressing without talking about it with your spouse. Both of you should respect the privacy of the other and keep this information to yourselves (with exception to a counselor) until and unless you both feel it’s appropriate to tell others.

It’s easy when spouse comes out to think that they have betrayed you, but this isn’t necessarily the whole picture. In a way, a spouse coming out to you reveals a level of trust and love for you that they’ve never experienced with any other person (including their own parents). It’s true, they have held something from you, and it’s fair for you to express any frustration you have with that. But you can also use this conversation to explore a side of your spouse that they trust you enough to see. Many couples say that their relationship improves after the conversations they have with their spouse about crossdressing. Most people are fearful that this means that their spouse doesn’t love them, or wants to leave them - the opposite is true. Your spouse likely has lived with horrible guilt for not telling you, but tremendus social pressure to make sure nobody knew.

The main thing to remember throughout this discovery period is that you and your partner are both human, and that your partner is still the same person. They have likely lived with this aspect of themselves for their entire life and they probably haven’t shared this with anyone else before they shared it with you. Take it as an honor that you have been entrusted with this information, and do what you can to understand them, transgenderism and/or crossdressing. Education is one of the surest ways that you can more fully appreciate them, and be the supportive person that you both need you to be.

The Conversation.

There’s a little secret within the crossdressing community that goes something like this: If people only knew how many men crossdress they’d be amazed at the stories of everyday guys who are crossdressers. It’s true. There are estimates that one out of every ten men would like to crossdress, or does so already - but as you might imagine it’s hard to pinpoint the exact number. To gauge how many, and what kinds of men like to wear women’s clothes though one only needs to look at the backgrounds and types of men that exist within the crossdressing community. What do you find? That crossdressers are EVERYWHERE!

A recent thread on the crossdressers forum reveals the variety of men that live their own adventure daily:

“I own my own electronics design biz building computer related gadgets for professional Powerpoint users.” -Christine

“I am a Paramedic and was a firefighter for 6 years.” - Amy

“Hi. I’m a plumber so am unable to dress at work although I sometimes underdress. When I’ve got paperwork to do at home I always dress as an office girl.” - Barbara

“I work in Primary Care Medicine.” - il

“I’m a carpenter doing mostly residential framing.” - Lisa

“I’m a retired carpenter/ structural maintenance mechanic/ truck driver.” - Jill

“I’m an electrical engineer.” - Pamela

“I’m a daytrader” - Seville

“Passenger Train Driver for government owned railway, I always go to work in fem panties and have worn bra, tights or panty hose in the cooler months.” - Kylie

“Cosmetologist (Hair stylist!), makeup artist, both conventional and permanent.” - Tami

“Medical Insurance Claims Analyst” - Nicole

“I’m a Firefighter and wear panties 24/7. God help me if I ever get hurt.” - Selene

“I currently overhaul hydraulic actuators for military aircraft.” -Serina

“Underground Coal Mining” - Karren

“A boeing 777 co-pilot. Nothing can explain the feelings of wearing pantyhose at 35000ft!” - KE

“I am a Computer Aided Drafter for the US Army Corps of Engineers.” - MixedEmotion

And the list goes on…

There’s this stereotype that the types of men that are most likely to cross dress are “feminine” or “gay” men that are easy to spot, that crossdressers must be underachievers and dress for the attention of other men. Nothing could be further from the truth!

In my case throughout college I was near the top of my class. I was a DJ on a radio station that covered most of a major metropolitian area, served as president of both my high school and college class - and was in the honors society of my area of study. I’ve since attained a Masters degree in my field and again graduated near the top of my class. Now I’m happily married and have started my own company. My story isn’t unique however. Many of the crossdressers you meet these days are successful fathers, husbands, men - who serve their companies, families, and country with honor and dignity - hardly the stereotype of “underachiever” at all.

If you don’t think you know a crossdresser, I can guarantee you do. Crossdresser stories aren’t hard to find at all.

This is a guest post from my loving wife. Here she adds her perspective.

A few years ago I had been wondering what was wrong with my boyfriend. Over the period of a few months when I would prod him he refused to tell me why he was so depressed. Finally, he told me he had decided to see a therapist to figure out what was wrong.

A few days later, with trepidation written all over his face, he told me he needed to talk to me. The look on his face made me wonder if he was going to tell me he was gay. Instead he told me that he thought he might really be a “woman” inside. Over time that definition has become more solidified as together we’ve figured out that he really doesn’t want a sex change, but that his gender lies somewhere in-between male and female.

As soon as I knew that he was transgendered, I was mortified about all the times I had lovingly made fun of him for “acting like a girl” or “being a girl”. Even though he said it wasn’t that big a deal, I realized that I had been sexist and had probably hurt him each time without realizing it. Knowing that the person I am now married to transcends gender (isn’t that what “transgender” really means?) is actually a blessing in my life for a number of reasons.

I am not as sexist as I used to be. I am probably still sexist every now and then, but I find myself now being more likely to defend men as often as women in situations that are unfair to them or be gender neutral in conversations that have normally centered around one sex or another.

I am more feminine and take better care of myself. I have not necessarily been a tomboy all of my life, but I have most certainly not dedicated myself to being pretty or wearing the latest fashion trends. Having someone who appreciates femininity in my life, and appreciates my feminine side like Mattie does has made me realize that I should “own it”, if you will, since I was born a female. I have grown to enjoy being feminine, and feel it is fun to dress up sometimes.

I am secure in my relationship. I now know that most of the time when my husband is looking at a beautiful woman that he is probably looking at her and appreciating her beauty, and not sexually fantasizing about her. These days, if I see a beautiful woman, I’ll tell him about it and say, “Oh you should have seen this woman. She was wearing this, and her makeup was like that. I was so jealous.”

I love my transgendered husband, and am grateful that he finally let me in on the secret. I know that there are a lot of wives out there that don’t know about their husband’s crossdressing or that they are transgendered. I’ll be honest and say that it wasn’t easy for me, and it still isn’t sometimes, but I would much rather know, because I can take action on the knowledge I have. What I mean is, if I don’t know that my husband is transgendered, how can I be there for him when he needs to talk about it, or wants me to help him pick out makeup (or when I need help picking it out for that matter), or needs help shaving his legs that first time?

What I really want to say is good luck to all the boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends, and wives who have already made the decision to take that step and divulge this part of you, and good luck to those of you who are still waiting a while yet.