Shortly after I found out that my husband was a crossdresser, I was watching TV and ran across the movie Normal starring Tom Wilkinson and Jessica Lange. I sat and watched it, and promptly felt sorry for myself. I had tears running down my face, and felt I truly understood what the characters were going through. Except for the minor fact that my boyfriend, now husband, wasn’t/isn’t interested in getting a sex change.

This is part of the problem of discovering that your spouse is a crossdresser. You automatically assume two things.

1. You believe that they are gay. Based upon my observations and things that I have read/watched about the crossdressing community, it is hard for me to lump being gay and liking to wear women’s clothes in the same category. I know gay men that come across as very masculine (so much so it is hard to know that they are gay until they say so), and others who appear to act more feminine. It’s true that there are nuances of both in each community, but it doesn’t mean that we can assume that either community automatically takes on aspects of the other. So, we can’t automatically assume that homosexuals like to wear women’s clothes, and neither can we assume that crossdressers want to be in homosexual relationships.
2. You believe that they want to be the other sex. This is so impossible to be true. It would be like saying that women who wear pant suits want to be men, but not very many people believe or say that because it has become culturally normal for women to crossdress in this way (and in other ways, but that’s another subject for another time). Yes, it is possible that your crossdresser wants to be the opposite sex, but even people who are dyed in the wool transgendered don’t always want to have sexual reassignment surgery.

Why don’t I believe these anymore? Well, we got the gay question out of the way in the beginning. He’s interested in women, and primarily he’s interested in me. Based upon my relationship and history with him, I have no reason to distrust him on this.

On the second, I’ll admit that there are still days that I wonder if he’ll ever want the surgery, but even if it were the case it isn’t the case now. I am in a solid marriage with someone who is my partner. Sure, it will be strange for me if he has the surgery, but if that happens we’ll tackle it when we get there. I imagine spending my entire life with this person because I’m committed to having a full and happy life with him. If he eventually becomes she, then I hope it will be okay. I hope I will be able to see past the vagina and boobs and see the person who is and has been my best friend.

I’m reminded of a book that I read a while back called My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd. The author wrote a candid book about crossdressing and how it didn’t mean that her husband would want a sex change. Later I saw her do an interview with her husband on a talk show where he admitted that he wanted to live full time as a woman. This may be unfortunate for her (and I do not know how she feels about this now), but I want to point out that her situation is unique, and that sex change operations do happen, but they are rare. Your husband or boyfriend may only like to dress up on occasion and that will be enough for him. He may dress up more frequently, but it is still enough. Your man very likely wants to stay a man.

I still think about that movie sometimes. It was a heart-wrenching film to watch, but it is just a film. It is not my situation, and it is probably not yours. But make sure you sit down with him and discuss these things. If you are really worried that he is gay or will want a sex change, try to have an honest heart to heart on these matters. He may not know that you have these fears, so it is good to be open about them so you can both understand where the other stands.

Did/do you experience any other doubts or feelings other than the two I mentioned?

For some people, finding out that their spouse or lover is a transgendered person or a crossdresser can be a shock. People who have been married for years, say 20 plus years, can feel betrayed and disappointed. For others, it can be a small deal or even a positive outcome to what might have been an emotionally charged first conversation.

You may have already been told that your loved one is a crossdresser, but if not – if you suspect it – here are ways that you can react or cope with the news.

Listen. This is one of the most stressful conversations your significant other will likely ever have, let alone that it is with you. By telling you this they are likely telling you their last secret, the final thing that you may not know about them. This is about them. Yes, it is about you, too, but you have not had to live with the lifetime feelings of guilt or “otherness” that they may have likely experienced their entire lives. Make sure you respect that and listen to what they need to say to you.

Try not to be accusatory. You may feel like you have been betrayed. This is normal. At the same time, though, it doesn’t help you or them if you make accusatory statements and say things that you will later regret. Instead of asking, “Why are you doing this to me?” say, “I am hurt that you did not tell me sooner, but I appreciate knowing.” It is important that they understand how you feel, but ultimately it is your choice how you choose to let that information affect you, there will be plenty of time for both of you to express your feelings. They are not telling you because they want to leave you, they are telling you because they trust you.

Ask questions. This will likely be one of the most revealing and memorable moments of your relationship. Just know that these first conversations can end up making your relationship so much deeper so ask them if they are comfortable with you asking them questions if you are curious about their reasons for crossdressing. Again, make sure your questions are not accusatory and respect them as a human being.

Understand that they are not gay (or straight if you’re already in a homosexual relationship). There is a definite difference between someone being transgendered or a crossdresser and being gay. Often “transgendered” is lumped into the same category of gender issues as gay, lesbian, and bi-sexual (LGBT = lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, and transgendered), but transgendered is not about a person’s sexual orientation. It is about how they view their gender and what sex, if any, with which they identify. True, some gay people are transgendered, and some transgendered people are gay, but it’s more than likely that this person loves you and is telling you because they love you, are attracted to you, and want to be with you. Less than 1 in 10 of crossdressers have any interest in the same sex, the vast majority are hetereosexual.

Ask for some time to adjust. If this news makes it hard for you to see your lover in a different way, tell them that you need some time to adjust and accept your new reality of knowing this information. They may have just changed your perspective on what may or may not be culturally acceptable for gender, so ask them to show you the same respect as you have shown them by letting you think about this news and information a while. It is okay to take it slow - you deserve that and they will likely be willing to go slow with you.

See a counselor, and seek more information. If you feel that you need to talk to someone else about this, you can talk to a trusted friend first, but you may want to seek out a counselor instead. Be sure that you see a counselor that specializes in gender issues, because just like medical specialties, there are psychiatric/psychological specialties and some doctors will be more knowledgeable than others on crossdressing and transgenderism (look for words like “gender dysphoria” as well). It may also be advantageous for the two of you to go see a counselor together. There are also numerous websites, support groups, and books that can help you gain a better understanding. It’s worth taking some time to become knowledgable on the subject.

Make an effort to accept. Even if you are uncomfortable, try to take baby steps. Don’t be afraid to ask your spouse to take it slow, but be open to seeing this person dressed how they like, or to assist with manly or womanly things that you have typically thought was solely yours in the relationship. Understand, though, that you both have different tastes and they may not have the same style or approach you do as a man or woman. There’s a tendancy to think that “this changes everything”, but most of the time when it comes right down to it only a few small things change - most people realize that it isn’t as big a deal as they originally imagined.

Find out if this goes beyond crossdressing. Some couples experience crossdressing in their relationship in a very minimal way. It can be weeks or months before your partner chooses to crossdress again. There are other couples that experience this more frequently, and yet others who come to the realization that this is not just about crossdressing – this is a need to actually become the other sex (only a tiny fraction of cross-dressers truely want a sex change). If you both want to stay in this relationship, you need to determine if you are willing to stick it out. If you are a woman and you find out your husband wants to be a woman, staying with her will not make you a lesbian, and vice versa if you are a man. You married this person for sexual reasons, but you also married them because they (hopefully) fulfilled you intellectually and emotionally - your connection is deeper than just the surface. These kinds of relationships work for some people, and not for others - but it will take time for you to determine if it works for you. You can learn to broaden your horizons if you want to stay together for the rest of your lives.

Be supportive. Whether it is helping them pick out makeup or clothes, or just being their rock, you should be there to support them. What they are looking for is acceptance, and more than anything they want to know that they have your support and can depend on you. It may not be easy, but eventually you may be able to offer them all the support they need.

Understand it is okay to leave. You may feel a lot of guilt at not being able to accept this new situation, if it is truly different than what you are used to, but for some people it is hard to marry the idea of what you are comfortable with in a relationship with what has fundamentally changed for you. It is not easy to leave this person behind, but make sure you are doing it because you have tried your utmost to make it work. It is unfair for you to leave if you haven’t tried to understand or make it work. At least put your best foot forward and give it some time genuinely trying to understand your spouse.

Crossdressing is most of the time a private matter. Realize that your spouse likely doesn’t want others to know about their cross dressing. There is an immense pressure especially put on men who act in any way “girly” their entire lives - your spouse likely does not want others to know, and honestly you probably don’t either because of the social stereotypes. Whether or not you choose to stay with this person, it is important that you do not talk to anyone else about their transgenderism or crossdressing without talking about it with your spouse. Both of you should respect the privacy of the other and keep this information to yourselves (with exception to a counselor) until and unless you both feel it’s appropriate to tell others.

It’s easy when spouse comes out to think that they have betrayed you, but this isn’t necessarily the whole picture. In a way, a spouse coming out to you reveals a level of trust and love for you that they’ve never experienced with any other person (including their own parents). It’s true, they have held something from you, and it’s fair for you to express any frustration you have with that. But you can also use this conversation to explore a side of your spouse that they trust you enough to see. Many couples say that their relationship improves after the conversations they have with their spouse about crossdressing. Most people are fearful that this means that their spouse doesn’t love them, or wants to leave them - the opposite is true. Your spouse likely has lived with horrible guilt for not telling you, but tremendus social pressure to make sure nobody knew.

The main thing to remember throughout this discovery period is that you and your partner are both human, and that your partner is still the same person. They have likely lived with this aspect of themselves for their entire life and they probably haven’t shared this with anyone else before they shared it with you. Take it as an honor that you have been entrusted with this information, and do what you can to understand them, transgenderism and/or crossdressing. Education is one of the surest ways that you can more fully appreciate them, and be the supportive person that you both need you to be.

This is a guest post from my loving wife. Here she adds her perspective.

A few years ago I had been wondering what was wrong with my boyfriend. Over the period of a few months when I would prod him he refused to tell me why he was so depressed. Finally, he told me he had decided to see a therapist to figure out what was wrong.

A few days later, with trepidation written all over his face, he told me he needed to talk to me. The look on his face made me wonder if he was going to tell me he was gay. Instead he told me that he thought he might really be a “woman” inside. Over time that definition has become more solidified as together we’ve figured out that he really doesn’t want a sex change, but that his gender lies somewhere in-between male and female.

As soon as I knew that he was transgendered, I was mortified about all the times I had lovingly made fun of him for “acting like a girl” or “being a girl”. Even though he said it wasn’t that big a deal, I realized that I had been sexist and had probably hurt him each time without realizing it. Knowing that the person I am now married to transcends gender (isn’t that what “transgender” really means?) is actually a blessing in my life for a number of reasons.

I am not as sexist as I used to be. I am probably still sexist every now and then, but I find myself now being more likely to defend men as often as women in situations that are unfair to them or be gender neutral in conversations that have normally centered around one sex or another.

I am more feminine and take better care of myself. I have not necessarily been a tomboy all of my life, but I have most certainly not dedicated myself to being pretty or wearing the latest fashion trends. Having someone who appreciates femininity in my life, and appreciates my feminine side like Mattie does has made me realize that I should “own it”, if you will, since I was born a female. I have grown to enjoy being feminine, and feel it is fun to dress up sometimes.

I am secure in my relationship. I now know that most of the time when my husband is looking at a beautiful woman that he is probably looking at her and appreciating her beauty, and not sexually fantasizing about her. These days, if I see a beautiful woman, I’ll tell him about it and say, “Oh you should have seen this woman. She was wearing this, and her makeup was like that. I was so jealous.”

I love my transgendered husband, and am grateful that he finally let me in on the secret. I know that there are a lot of wives out there that don’t know about their husband’s crossdressing or that they are transgendered. I’ll be honest and say that it wasn’t easy for me, and it still isn’t sometimes, but I would much rather know, because I can take action on the knowledge I have. What I mean is, if I don’t know that my husband is transgendered, how can I be there for him when he needs to talk about it, or wants me to help him pick out makeup (or when I need help picking it out for that matter), or needs help shaving his legs that first time?

What I really want to say is good luck to all the boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends, and wives who have already made the decision to take that step and divulge this part of you, and good luck to those of you who are still waiting a while yet.

A few days ago Mattie asked me to write a guest post for her website, so I thought that it would only be polite to introduce myself before I begin. My name is Vanessa, I’m a 29 year old crossdresser and am happily married to a wonderful woman who (most days) accepts my transgendered nature. I live in Seattle and run a website Crossdresser Heaven that offers fashion, beauty and makeup tips for the crossdresser who wants to be more feminine.

Now that we know each other lets begin!

What comes to mind when you think of a crossdresser? Let me paint a scenario that may resonate with you.

A tired, ragged looking face with makeup fit for a clown. As you’re thinking you can hear a faint chanting in the background. While images of overweight men in mini-skirts and 4″ heels come to mind, the chanting grows louder. Prostitutes, sex workers and weirdos fill your inner vision as you begin to make out the words - “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry! Jerry!”

That’s it! Your mind finishes the picture by adding coarse language and a proclivity for homosexual sex. You know what crossdressers are - freaks of nature. This masterpiece of association has been crafted by Jerry Springer, and brought to you by countless media outlets.

Lets face it. Crossdressers have a PR problem. Yet as so often happens with the media - the portrayal of crossdressers has very little to do with fact. Tri-ESS ,an organization dedicated to helping crossdressers and their significant others, estimates that as high as 90% of all crossdressers are heterosexual. Many of whom are happily married with kids, and have good paying jobs.

Most of these crossdressers do not frequent nightclubs dressed in clothes ill-designed to cover the human body. Largely due to the stigma associated with crossdressing, many of the regular crossdressers wear woman’s clothes in private, far from the prying eye of the media. Even if the media did happen upon us, the story is slim because, well, we’re just not that different from everyday people.

Personally I work in the software industry, one of my crossdressing friends is married with two children and works as an engineer, another is married with children and works as a plumber. For all intents and purposes, we are regular folk. We go to church on Sunday, are involved in community projects and care about the quality of our schools.

I hope that I’ve helped balance the negative stereotypes the media throws at us about crossdressers. At the very least, I ask you to base your opinion on crossdressers in your own experience. We may not be normal like you, but I’ll bet we’re pretty close.

Thanks again to Mattie for offering me the opportunity to share my thoughts on your blog - you’re a sweetie!

If you enjoyed this post, drop me a line at Crossdresser Heaven, I’d love to hear from you.

Hugs,

Vanessa