Guest Bloggers

Does he want to be a woman?

Shortly after I found out that my husband was a crossdresser, I was watching TV and ran across the movie Normal starring Tom Wilkinson and Jessica Lange. I sat and watched it, and promptly felt sorry for myself. I had tears running down my face, and felt I truly understood what the characters were going through. Except for the minor fact that my boyfriend, now husband, wasn’t/isn’t interested in getting a sex change.

This is part of the problem of discovering that your spouse is a crossdresser. You automatically assume two things.

1. You believe that they are gay. Based upon my observations and things that I have read/watched about the crossdressing community, it is hard for me to lump being gay and liking to wear women’s clothes in the same category. I know gay men that come across as very masculine (so much so it is hard to know that they are gay until they say so), and others who appear to act more feminine. It’s true that there are nuances of both in each community, but it doesn’t mean that we can assume that either community automatically takes on aspects of the other. So, we can’t automatically assume that homosexuals like to wear women’s clothes, and neither can we assume that crossdressers want to be in homosexual relationships.
2. You believe that they want to be the other sex. This is so impossible to be true. It would be like saying that women who wear pant suits want to be men, but not very many people believe or say that because it has become culturally normal for women to crossdress in this way (and in other ways, but that’s another subject for another time). Yes, it is possible that your crossdresser wants to be the opposite sex, but even people who are dyed in the wool transgendered don’t always want to have sexual reassignment surgery.

Why don’t I believe these anymore? Well, we got the gay question out of the way in the beginning. He’s interested in women, and primarily he’s interested in me. Based upon my relationship and history with him, I have no reason to distrust him on this.

On the second, I’ll admit that there are still days that I wonder if he’ll ever want the surgery, but even if it were the case it isn’t the case now. I am in a solid marriage with someone who is my partner. Sure, it will be strange for me if he has the surgery, but if that happens we’ll tackle it when we get there. I imagine spending my entire life with this person because I’m committed to having a full and happy life with him. If he eventually becomes she, then I hope it will be okay. I hope I will be able to see past the vagina and boobs and see the person who is and has been my best friend.

I’m reminded of a book that I read a while back called My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd. The author wrote a candid book about crossdressing and how it didn’t mean that her husband would want a sex change. Later I saw her do an interview with her husband on a talk show where he admitted that he wanted to live full time as a woman. This may be unfortunate for her (and I do not know how she feels about this now), but I want to point out that her situation is unique, and that sex change operations do happen, but they are rare. Your husband or boyfriend may only like to dress up on occasion and that will be enough for him. He may dress up more frequently, but it is still enough. Your man very likely wants to stay a man.

I still think about that movie sometimes. It was a heart-wrenching film to watch, but it is just a film. It is not my situation, and it is probably not yours. But make sure you sit down with him and discuss these things. If you are really worried that he is gay or will want a sex change, try to have an honest heart to heart on these matters. He may not know that you have these fears, so it is good to be open about them so you can both understand where the other stands.

Did/do you experience any other doubts or feelings other than the two I mentioned?

© 2008 the girl inside.